How to Steele a Million

Oh dear, I missed a milestone:

In celebration of surpassing a million hits, I guess I should update soon, huh? After all, there's plenty of VRRRROOOOOOOM at the top

Series 2000 #20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!

Series 2000 20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!

Front Tagline: There's a new beast on the block...

Brief Synopsis:
Connor Buckley and his friends are bored. So bored. The reader knows they're bored because Connor keeps saying he's bored, over and over again. Sometimes he switches it up and puts it in the present tense:

Bor-rrring.

Sometimes he gently reminds the reader of his boredom:

Did I mention we were bored?

And sometimes he tells us something we could have already guessed:

We were so bored, we were turning stupid.

Connor decides to quell his boredom by dragging his friend Emily Zinneman to neighborhood grouch Mr. Zarwid's yard sale. Costa-Gavras would be proud, as the book is a celebration of "Z"-- besides the characters' last names, the book's action also inspires more than a few ZZZZs in the reader. Hey maybe the book should have been called Z Afraid-- Z Very Afraid! Wait, no it shouldn't have, that's a horrible idea.

At the yard sale, there's nothing but a bunch of junk and tattered clothing-- Be Frayed-- Be Very Frayed! The lack of anything worth stealing doesn't stop Mr. Zarwid from accusing the children of trying to steal something. Connor decides to teach the old man a lesson for falsely accusing him of stealing by stealing something. They've stopped turning, they're there.

The pilfered item is a deck of cards-- though as anyone who has ever been to a garage sale knows, you never ever buy something that contains multiple removable parts like cards or puzzles. Though maybe there can be an exception made for stealing them? The cards are medieval themed, but less Round Table Medieval and more Empty Lunchroom Table Because All the Losers Who Would Have Sat There At the Empty Table Are Reading Those Really Thick Fantasy Novels In the Library During Lunch Period Medieval. Man, six months gone and I still got it! Yes, there are dragons and elves and other creatures competing for space in the dork deck. But wouldn't you know it, the faux-Magic deck is, um, magic.

All the trouble starts when Connor, Emily, and Kyle sit down for a game of Be Afraid. It's like any other game of cards until an excitable dwarf magically appears in their kitchen. Could have been worse, it could have been an excitable Dorf:



As more cards get played, more terrible things happen. Drawing a Knight card produces a group of havoc-wreaking knights... in their neighbor's yard. So, really just a mild inconvenience for the players at that point. In a terrifying scene lifted directly from the very similarly-themed Robin Williams film, one of the kids draws the dreaded Enema Bulb As Clown Nose card. Before more fantastical hijinks can occur, Connor's parents come home and start needling him about the damage done to the house next door. Connor decides not to tell his folks about who caused the mess, though as big Hoosiers fans, surely his parents would have believed a story about an angry Knight.

Mr. Zarwid shows up in a Gorton's fisherman jacket and tells Conner he knows what he did last summer: Not steal his deck of cards, because he saw Connor steal his deck of cards just yesterday. Connor denies it and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that gruff neighbor!

That night Connor has a dream involving the card game. Like all dreams in Goosebumps books, it is so retarded that it would literally break the internet were I to summarize it. I think someone turned into a dragon or something. That's as close as I'm willing to get. The next morning Connor finds "hundreds" of muddy footprints all over his room, which even within the already tenuous logic created within the world of this book makes no sense and is never mentioned again.

Connor comes down to the kitchen the next morning to find his friends waiting for him. He may have missed out on breakfast but he still manages to waffle when he discovers his pals want to continue the dangerous card game. He tries reminding them about how knights destroyed his neighbor's house but they chalk that up to a coincidence. At no point is the excitable dwarf brought up. Those of you who are concerned about whether or not these characters will continue playing a card game can rest easy as the kids keep flipping over cards, inadvertently summoning a dragon outside. The dragon smashes some cars and tosses back a few knights the kids somehow send in to handle the situation. As things look their direst, Conner gets a brilliant idea: He'll just put all the cards back into the deck. Finally, a horror novel willing to tackle the terror of 52 Pickup.

Once the dragon disappears, the kids swear off playing mythical-creature-conjuring games for good. Connor proclaims that he'll only play Go Fish from that point on. Although, based on how Zarwid was dressed, maybe Connor's already in the middle of a magical version of that card game too. The children decide to give the deck back to Mr. Zarwid. However, around this point they also decide to look at the deck again and subsequently discover that Mr. Zarwid too has a card. He's dressed as a wizard and one of the trio realizes, "Hey, 'Zarwid' is an anagram for 'wizard.'" Wait, does that mean "Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!" is the real title we're supposed to take away from this book? Connor keeps the card in his shirt pocket in case he ever has to stop a really really really really really really really really weak really bullet.

On the way over to Mr. Zarwid's house the next morning, the kids pass his unopened newspaper in the driveway. Now, I understand why the paper is unopened: The guy's a wizard. He can probably summon the news on his own. But why is he subscribing to a newspaper that he doesn't have to read? ***SPOILER ALERT*** I guess the reason newspapers are floundering all over the country is because all the wizards have already been murdered by plucky child bandits.

The house seems empty, so of course the children break into it and then subsequently appear shocked when Mr. Zarwid interrupts their B+Eing by being mildly annoyed at their trespassing. Instead of embracing the kids for their assorted crimes, Mr. Zarwid throws their cards at the children and transports them into the magical world of Fake Medieval Times. Nary a serving wench is in sight, but plenty of made up things are around them in the dark, made-up world. The kids are very upset at being thrown into another world, but I don't know why they're surprised by their tormentor's actions. I mean, I always knew Mr. Wizard had something malevolent going on:



The kids walk around and discover a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell them no, or where to go, or say they're only dreaming (Although...). But after an exciting action sequence involving hay, they do meet up some creatures called Jekels who want to eat them. Now, it's been a long time since I was in sixth grade, but I don't recall being taught anything about cannibalistic creatures that don't exist. However, Kyle keeps chiming in with facts about their new mythical overlords. So the reader gets bon mots like "Jekels always kill their food before they eat it"-- which admittedly sounds like common sense for creatures both real and imagined, but still. The Jekels ask the kids if they are sorcerers, and Connor corrects them-- They're not sorcerers, they've been conjured into the Jekel's world by a sorcerer. A, this answer doesn't go over very well with the Jekels and B, can you by this point see why it took so damn long for me to actually bother reading this thing?

The Jekels serve up a steaming hot cup o' poison to Connor as a test. If he drinks the poison and dies, he's telling the truth about being a "kid." If he floats, he's a witch. Before Connor can be poisoned, a dragon shows up and distracts the Jekels. The cup of poison is jostled away from Connor's mouth. Connor licks his lips afterwards, begging the question: Why would anyone ever lick their lips after narrowly avoiding a poisoning?

The kids make their escape and run through a cornfield. I know what you're thinking to yourself: "How am I supposed to suspend belief long enough to accept that someone who looks like Olivia Wilde would ever go through the work of becoming a doctor?" But you might also be thinking: "Why are there cornfields in made-up medieval land?" And the answer to at least one of these thoughts is, there aren't fields of corn stalks. No, there are fields of Stelks.

Stelks.

Creatures called Stelks.
Who look like stalks.
And are well-known by Kyle.

Stelks.

If you, like me, think this would be a good time to stop reading the book, I have good news for you: The book ends here. Sort of. See, and this is what some of you were warning me against, on page 86 (Which is too clever to have been intentional) the story grinds to a halt with the following bolded text:

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

And now the book gets really half-assedly meta as the reader is introduced to another male-female platonic duo, Mark and Amy. Mark has just read the first 86 pages we read and is very upset at being forced to use his imagination. In what might be the single stupidest moment in the history of literature, Mark discovers an entire pack of cards hidden behind the back flap of the book's dust jacket. "Stelks" sounds pretty damn clever now, doesn't it?

Amy and Mark decide to play the card game he just read about. To the surprise of (God willing) no one, these two are also transported into the made-up medieval world. They get caught in a net and are almost shoved into an oven until Mark grabs one of their aggressor's dogs and threatens to throw it into the fire. Man, now that's what I call a frankfurter! These kids escape and meet up with the other kids Mark had previously only read about. Mark mournfully laments the fact that he wasn't reading any other book.

A massive group of mythical beasts start chasing the quintet of kids and the children eventually find themselves led on a death march towards a steep cliff. As they near the end of their journey, Mark remembers reading about how Connor put the Wizard card in his pocket. Since they can't put the cards back in the deck to take them home, maybe they can break the spell and beat the wizard by destroying his card. Um, don't they realize that nobody beats the Wiz?

Before Mark can destroy the card, it gets picked up in a gust and goes over the edge of the cliff. Mark naturally dives in after the card and somehow falls faster than the object that was dropped from the same height. Did RL Stine really forget the only science lesson anyone even remembers from elementary school? Wait, don't answer, because...

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

But the Finish is:
Yes, a third platonic duo is introduced. Ross is upset that the book he just read didn't have an ending. His friend Brenda suggests he just take it back to the garage sale where he bought it. Ross does exactly that and Mr. Wardiz offers to trade him a deck of cards for the incomplete book as an exchange.

LET ME FINISH THE STORY.

Ross goggled at the deck of cards and suddenly remembered he was in an RL Stine book.
"Why couldn't you have put me in one of the Monster Bloods so I could hang out with Andy," he asked the sky.
RL Stine suddenly appeared from behind a parted cloud. He rode down from the heavens on a gilded yacht, his vessel steered by eight werewolves and one dog who it turns out used to be a child or something. The author's vehicle hovered over the small boy, who let out a cry of shock.
"Why are you so scared of me," the author asked his creation, "I haven't even provided this encounter with my requisite twist ending yet. Are you merely anticipating the thrills and chills my next book will contain?"
"Oh you have another book coming out? There's a shocker."
RL Stine grinned a grinning grin, as he did not understand jokes made at his expense. "Yes, and one day my number one fan Troy Steele will give it the proper cultural context it deserves!"
"So... what's your next book about," Ross asked.
"Oh I don't know, it's not due at my editor's until Thursday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"I know, Frasier's on later."
"But two days? How can that possibly be enough time to come up with your next book?"
"What happened to that cowering in terror thing you had going on," RL Stine asked. "That was a lot better than this question stuff."
"I'm just saying th--"
"YOU'RE REALLY A VAMPIRE BAT AND THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY A CAVE AND THE SUN IS A SUN CAVE."

But the Twist is:
And then the cave wash cost five dollars.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationships:
tl;dr

Questionable Parenting:
Connor's parents are so concerned with whether or not Connor heard the destruction next door that they forget to offer any help to their stricken neighbors.

Inherit the Wind Alert:
The children suspect that the caged monkey kept by Mr. Zarwid was at one point a human being, but Zarwid insists that the monkey was always a monkey. So, what is that exactly, Reverse Evolution?

RL Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids:
In the grand tradition of video games and gardening, card games can finally take their rightful place in the pantheon of horror.

Stelks:
Stelks

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Hall of Fame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 2/3:
Kyle freaks out because something is horribly wrong. Only... gotcha! That's it, he just says "Gotcha!"

Great Prose Alert:
The Krel has called together an army of two thousand elf fishermen.

Conclusions:
Finally, a Goosebumps book for those who found Legend of the Lost Legend too cerebral.

The World Needs Laughter

As soon as I actually manage to finish Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid, the entry will be posted. You may find yourself asking, "Is it really that unreadable that it's taken months to get through?" To which I can only reply, "It's a Goosebumps book about kids playing cards and I stopped reading it after an excitable dwarf got conjured." I'd say more now, but as stated, I can only reply, "It's a Goosebumps book about kids playing cards and I stopped reading it after an excitable dwarf got conjured."

Series 2000 #19 Return to Ghost Camp

Series 2000 19 Return to Ghost Camp

Front Tagline: Another summer. Another spirit.

Brief Synopsis:
Poor Dustin. His parents are forcing him to go to a sleep-away camp, despite the fact that he'd rather not attend. Their reasoning that camp isn't the same as being sent to prison fails to make much of an impact on Dustin, though his little brother Logan does start chanting that Dustin is in fact going to prison after hearing this. Dustin's parents refuse to discuss the issue and his mom writes his name on all his clothes using a Magic Marker, "the kind of marker that doesn't wash off." So... not a Magic Marker then? Before leaving his room for the summer, Dustin stares longingly at a Hulk Hogan poster. Hmm, maybe he would like going to prison.

The bus for Camp Full Moon picks Dustin up in front of his house, which is about as plausible as what comes next: The bleeding bus driver is revealed to be covered with thousands of fleas... though they are described as having "spindly legs," so I don't know what bug Stine is confusing fleas with here. It doesn't matter since this horror show turns out to be a dream. But in reality the bus still picks him up at his curb, which is surely reason enough to resurrect the ol' What.

On the bus to camp, Dustin immediately befriends the most muscular boy. I guess he's still not sure he isn't going to prison. The boy, Ari, proposes he and Dustin switch identities as "a practical joke," even though it's neither practical nor a joke. Dustin happily agrees because well obviously he wants to be inside Ari. When they arrive at the camp, Uncle Lou, the head of the camp, assigns Ari as Dustin to the crummiest cabin, Comanche, and gives Dustin as Ari the best cabin, Apache. All of Dustin's new bunkmates enthusiastically greet him once they hear he's Ari. Once inside, Dustin is very excited to see a poster of Mark McGwire hanging on the wall of the cabin. Boy, it's not even subtext at this point, is it?

While he enjoys the luxuries of his cabin, Dustin feels bad that Ari was made a Comanche. Of course, he's not half as upset about it as his Uncle Ethan will be. Dustin's bunkmates give him the best bed in the cabin and reveal a trunk of candy just for Ari. In an amazing campfire scene, Dustin tries to convince himself that he's manly and confidant like Ari by not freaking out when a bee lands on his hot dog. Two characters switching places, with one using the opportunity to act more macho, and also there's bees? This is already more a sequel to that book than Ghost Camp.

Oh and then some kid eats some bees. Wait, I mean

BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING

Uncle Lou regales the campers with a campfire story about a creature called the Snatcher. Surprisingly, Dustin listens very intently to the story. Funny, I thought it was already well-established that he wasn't interested in snatch--er, anyways, Lou tells the campers that the Snatcher can take the form of anything but prefers a fox. Dustin hears whispers about how the Snatcher is real and takes a kid every year. Naturally, a fox then attacks Dustin. In this case, the fox aggressor brings the blood as the animal scratches up his clothing.

Dustin is rescued by his bunkmates who finally reveal why everyone is treating "Ari" so well: He's the Snatcher's chosen victim this year. The book then takes the predictable trajectory: No one believes he's really Dustin, Ari refuses to switch back, and of course, what Goosebumps book set at camp would be complete without another pay phone scene? Also, someone throws up marshmallows, so there's probably a "Stay Pukt" joke to be made. And just in case you think I'm being ridiculous with this subtext thing, Dustin says this:

"I never really tried to stuff my mouth with anything."

And then the book says this:

They pitched hard. Crashed into each other. Bobbed and reeled. Smacked against the wooden dock.

So it's not like I'm seeing something that isn't there. Maybe Prop 8 passed because thousands (I'm being generous here) of kids read this book and confused their hatred for the novel with a hatred of homosexuality. I imagine it's only a matter of time before the Return to Ghost Camp Defense becomes the new Twinkie Defense.

Gradually Dustin realizes everyone at camp is a ghost, which I guess is supposed to be all a sequel to a book called "Ghost Camp" needs. While trying to run away, he meets Laura, a girl from the Girl's Camp, who is also trying to run away. For reasons I don't remember, they put off their escape for a day, which gives Dustin enough time for his younger brother Logan to show up for a visit. Logan greets the real Ari as his brother, but only under the threat of violence. I guess Ari doesn't want to be a victim of a ghost anymore than he wants to lose his fifteen percent.

The night of the big escape, Dustin's bunkmate tries to tell him that they didn't select him to be the victim of the camp but rather the savior. Apparently God based the afterlife on Wild and Crazy Kids, as the ghost kids will only be able to rest if Dustin manages to cross a dangerous river. But Laura insists his bunkmate is only trying to trick him, but regardless he should still cross the river. So, the dramatic moment of the novel comes down to: Will he cross the river, or will he cross the river?

But the Twist is:
He crosses the river! But first, Laura turns out to be the Snatcher. She turns into a fox and attacks, but falls victim to some "scary" zombie hands that emerge from the river and tear her apart. Dustin crosses the river and saves the camp, but then he can't figure out how to cross the river again. An ending that matches the quality of what came before it.

the Platonic Boy-Magic Fox Girl Relationship:
Dustin and Laura, who turns out to be a fox or something most of the way through the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
After he tells her he had a bad dream, Dustin's mom makes fun of him. Spunky mother, gay son, the word "camp" in the title-- maybe this book was salvaged from a scrapped Showtime pilot.

Why Is There A Horse Skeleton On the Cover Alert:
Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 13/14:
Ari starts to tell a knock-knock joke. OH MY GOD I HAVE TO KEEP READING OR ELSE I'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ORANGE IS AT THE DOOR

Great Prose Alert:
Nobody swallows bees.

Conclusions:

Series 2000 #18 Horrors of the Black Ring

Series 2000 18 Horrors of the Black Ring

Front Tagline: Ring around the creature!

Brief Synopsis:
The book opens with wiseacre Anthony fooling protagonist Beth into thinking the brakes on his bike have malfunctioned as he careens wildly down the sidewalk towards her and her sister Amanda. This ruse results in Beth falling for the "old 'no breaks' gag," which according to this book is a thing. Anthony's a real stone cold dude who once told Beth her cat was dead-- even when it wasn't. Apparently this guy's specialty is lies that get disproved within ten seconds of being heard.

Beth recovers from this brilliant bike joke and encounters a small bird that has broken its wing. She decides to rescue the poor bird as opposed to sticking around for Anthony to prank her with the old "Look out, it's night!" gag. Saving the bird makes her late for class, but luckily Beth's blonde teacher, Miss Gold, is very kind and understanding. Hmm...

Beth notices Miss Gold is sporting a new ring with a large black stone arranged in the center. Beth thinks she sees an angry-looking face within the jewel, but her teacher just tells her that's an illusion caused by a natural flaw in the jewel. That's funny, I thought this was Jewel's natural flaw:



Later in art class, Beth gets close to her crush Danny Jacobs by asking for him to model hands for her. Anthony pulls the old making kissing sounds while someone models their hands gag and the two boys get into a fight. Later at lunch, Danny sits with Beth to discuss ideas for the big forthcoming Spring Carnival. Conveniently, Miss Gold simultaneously discovers an ominous message written on the chalkboard: "THE CARNIVAL IS DOOMED." As Miss Gold starts to tremble, Anthony walks by the classroom and suspiciously pulls the old having chalk dust on his hands gag.

That weekend, Amanda tries to get Beth to help her arrange her Barbies from most to least attractive. Apparently you can judge identical dolls:

"Surfer Barbie is beautiful, but Rollerblade Barbie is not so hot."

And Klaus Barbie of course refuses to be judged by anyone but God on his throne. Beth argues that she doesn't have time to play with dolls, as she must rush to the school to help prepare for the doomed carnival. Soon after, a mysterious caller phones Beth and warns her to stay away from the carnival. But since no one followed that call with another warning her against playing with dolls, she takes her chances.

Inside the school's art room, her and Danny find a total mess, with paint splattered everywhere and every canvas and sheet of paper in complete disarray. So basically, they find an art room. All the paintings which were to be sold at the carnival have been wrecked-- all except Anthony's rude painting of Beth. That next week at school, Miss Gold cancels class and sends all her students to the art room to make replacement art. Everyone paints rude pictures of Beth so as to ensure their artwork won't be ruined later.

That afternoon, Danny and Beth make cookies in the Home Ec room, only to have the dessert mysteriously ignite while in the oven. The kids flee the smoke-filled room just in time to catch Anthony pulling the old walking past the Home Ec room just as it catches fire gag. Heartstrings tugged by the oven fire, the entire school floods the carnival's food tables with bake sale goods the next day. Beth takes a bite from one of these treats, feels something disgusting inside, and throws up all over her shoes. Turns out someone baked insect larvae into the desserts-- Hey, I've heard of macaroons but maggotroons?! But seriously folks, you're a lovely audience. Now, how about women drivers, huh?

Miss Gold takes the bad news pretty, um, badly, and sits in her chair fiddling with her black ring and muttering "maggots" over and over. So, she's acting like any middle school teacher then. When asked what else could go wrong, Miss Gold ominously replies, "Hey guys, have you noticed yet how I'm wearing this evil ring? Because let me keep drawing attention to it every time something terrible happens, just in case."

Before the carnival begins, Danny gets cocky and eggs Anthony on to try and hit his target in the dunk tank. Anthony pulls the old hitting the target gag and sinks Danny into the tank. Unfortunately for Danny, the tank is filled with boiling water. Despite being passed out inside the boiling tank for several minutes, Danny doesn't die because RL Stine doesn't understand how boiling water works.

Later at home, Amanda jumps out of a closet as a cry for attention. Beth promises to take Amanda to the carnival, so long as Amanda doesn't change her mind while there and jump out of a carnival in order to get Beth to take her to her closet. Once at the carnival, Beth has to work the ticket counter for a little while and Anthony pulls the old keeping an eye on Amanda while Beth works gag.

Beth tries to sell a carnival ticket to a mysterious stranger wearing a dark robe, but this reaper didn't bring his coin purse. The cloaked figure explodes all the lights in the gym and proceeds to wreak some highly unlikely havoc on everyone inside. Wasps descend upon the WASPS inside the gym and tables catch fire. The cloaked figure kidnaps Amanda and carries her over his shoulder towards the carnival entrance. A policeman tackles the hooded stranger and reveals the figure's true identity: Miss Gold. Man, it's always the person you at least expect.

Miss Gold insists she was forced to do the deeds and is lead away in handcuffs by the police. Beth finds Miss Gold's black ring on the gym floor and feels compelled by plot convenience to put it on. It does not come off. I guess insect cookies are a lot more fattening than anyone suspected.

This all leads to a dream sequence where this line is uttered:

"This isn't right!" I screamed. "Your heads don't belong on duck bodies!"

Which, while true, is still not that scary.

Beth sneaks into the hospital to visit Miss Gold, who freaks out when she sees her wearing the ring. Miss Gold screams at her to take the ring off-- man, teachers cared about setting your cellphone to silent even back when this was written!

As the book winds down, Beth naturally starts exhibiting undesirable and aggressive traits brought about by her new accessory. Anthony gets the old crazy girl bewitched by magic ring tears off your bike lock and dismantles your bicycle by hand and then also breaks your sunglasses gag played on him. But that's not enough bad behavior for the possessed Beth, who also throws a nerdy kid into a locker. Oh man, that locker door is not going to open until Moose calls out his name and asks what time it is when an elephant sits on his car.

Beth continues on her mild rampage. She snaps the legs off Amanda's Barbie dolls. She puts slugs in her sister's spaghetti sauce (Newman's Groan?) and replaces her shampoo with corn oil (Selsun Ew?). But her weird acts aren't limited to blood relations, as Beth also sneaks into the school's kitchen and drops a live mouse into a vat of vegetable soup. Oh great, PETA's gonna make "RL Swine" masks now.

Beth is feeding that broken-winged bird from earlier in the novel when a magically healed Danny shows up and reminds her about the bike-a-thon she agreed to participate in. Beth doesn't want to go though, as she's afraid the ring will make her bike evilly or something, I'm not really sure.

At the bike-a-thon, the ring tells her to cut everyone's brakes, but Beth is pretty much done with bikes in this book and pedals home to remove the ring for good. While looking for metal cutters (!) in the garage, she sees her injured bird has died. But to go on with her daily affairs, she can't really think about that, which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing-- but not as confusing as what happens when Beth tries to cut off her ring with metal cutters. Te evil face grows huge and emerges from within the ring as smoke pours out into the garage. The face bellows:

"My evil has outgrown the ring!"

So he has more than like a half-ounce of evil now? The face tells Beth he needs to inhabit a human body now. Beth's gotten used to her body and refuses to part with it. Beth grabs a saw and prepares to cut off her finger to spare her from the ring, but luckily she tries just pulling really hard first and it comes off. She reasons that without the big head inside the ring, it just weighs less. Well, there's just so many lessons in the book.

Beth slips the ring onto the dead bird and the evil face is sucked back into the jewel. She buries the dead bird/jewel-head in the backyard. She should be careful though, because as Dwight Schrute could tell you, bird funerals can result in smoke too. As the book ends, the evil has been stopped and all is well. So it'll totally be a happy ending then, rite?

But the Twist is:
Was there ever any chance this book wouldn't end with the little sibling of the main character acquiring a similarly dangerous talisman?

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship:
Beth and her crush Danny Jacobs, who disappears into a tank of boiling water halfway thru the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
After Beth breaks all of Amanda's Barbies, their mom actually considers that maybe Beth didn't do it. I always wondered what happened to the former Simpson jurors.

Someone Actually Revised a Goosebumps Book Alert:
The first edition of the book (which was used for this entry) was called "Horrors of the Black Ring." Subsequent printings were titled "The Horror of the Black Ring." Though I agree that the book doesn't contain multiple horrors, I still can't quite be with Scholastic on it containing at least one. It's a good thing that they multiplied the "horror"s and not the "ring"s, because if it was more than three rings, the answering machine would have picked up.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 3/4:
Oh no, someone has written on a writing surface!

Great Prose Alert:
"See you at school, fool," Anthony sneered.

Conclusions:
At 108 pages, Horrors of the Black Ring is the shortest Goosebumps book. Thank you God.

iStockphotoh No!

I've spent the last 24 hours trying to write an entry for this week's book, which isn't even all that bad, and I'm coming up empty. Truth is, I'm suffering from severe Goosebumps burnout. The toll of rereading the same book over and over and finding new things to say has temporarily zapped my desire to continue the blog, and the writing's suffering as a result.

I'm taking a two-week break. Blogger Beware will return to the regular update schedule Tuesday December 9, with the hopes that this time spent apart will rejuvenate the entries. Don't worry, I promise not to go out with any other blogs in the meantime.

Series 2000 #17 the Werewolf in the Living Room

Series 2000 17 the Werewolf in the Living Room

Front Tagline: Home sweet horror

By now, all regular readers of the site should be old hands at tackling a Goosebumps book involving werewolves. So I have no qualms about issuing a pop quiz. Clear your desks!

the Werewolf in the Living Room Pop Quiz

01 The book employs what unusual (for Goosebumps at least) literary device?
A. Use of highly theoretical fourth-person narration
B. Non-chronological sentences
C. Division of the text into two parts
D. Entire story is told in MadLib fashion, with someone at Scholastic having already filled in the title's "(Monster Everyone Is Tired Of)" slot

02 Despite being about werewolves, the book does stray from Goosebumps convention by making Aaron, its protagonist,
A. Gay
B. Really gay
C. Eleven years old
D. Really eleven years old

03 Aaron's dad has a strange dual occupation. What are his jobs?
A. Ghost buster and Caddy shacker
B. Fairy flosser and Dental hygienist
C. Werewolf hunter and Town sheriff
D. Executive in charge of keeping peanut butter out of chocolate and Executive in charge of keeping chocolate out of peanut butter

04 In search of the creatures, Aaron's dad drags his son to the made-up European country of
A. LilSmoki
B. Kielbasah
C. Bratvia
D. Hotdogonabun

05 Within like five pages, the protagonist both has a dream sequence and
A. Has another dream sequence about the first dream sequence and it's all like whoa, so deep
B. Wakes up with his pillow missing
C. Gets bitten by a werewolf
D. Dreams he got bitten by a pillow and wakes up to find his werewolf missing

06 The werewolf comes back to visit Aaron and gives him
A. A written apology
B. A punchcard good for one free sub after his tenth werewolf attack
C. A wolf-tooth necklace
D. What for, the rite bastid

07 Ever the canon-changer, RL Stine presents yet more new ways to stop a werewolf in this, his eighteenth book about werewolves. Which of the following new methods actually appears in the novel?
A. Slapping the werewolf in the forehead three times
B. Saying the werewolf's name
C. Both A and B
D. Not D

08 Aaron visits with a hag in the forest who kicks him out of her cabin after she sees his
A. Boy Scout merit badge for cabin-disrupting
B. Eyes measuring the distance between her and the oven
C. Wolf-tooth necklace
D. Xeroxed list of herbal websites

09 Aaron's dad catches what he believes to be a werewolf. The only problem is that the werewolf has taken the form of
A. Golden-Age Werewolf
B. Wendell Willkie
C. A small, mild-mannered bald man named Ben
D. Two werewolves

10 Aaron's dad kidnaps the man, who insists he is not a werewolf, and ships him back to America in a crate. He also gives the werewolf what annoying moniker?
A. There Wolf
B. Werey
C. Wolfie
D. Ben, Werewolf-Style

11 While sailing to America, Ben breaks free from his chains just in time to
A. Avoid paying membership dues to the Being-Held-In-Chains Organization of Greater Bratvia
B. Make it to the post office before they close
C. Save Aaron from drowning
D. Have the refrain of "Chain of Fools" play over his actions in the movie trailer, complete with the sound of a needle being pulled from the record when the werewolf poorly attempts to dance in a fashionable manner

12 Aaron's dad keeps Ben locked in a cage in his living room, despite the fact that Ben insists
A. The room he's being held in is technically the den
B. He's pretty sure it's still considered kidnapping even if you think the person you're kidnapping is a mythical creature
C. He's not a werewolf
D. His predicament would make for a lousy book title

13 Aaron's best friend Ashlee takes her fashion cues from what popular Goosebumps character?
A. Evan from Monster Blood
B. Monster Blood from Monster Blood
C. Andy from Monster Blood
D. Monster Blood from Monster Blood III

14 Ashlee comes to see the caged man in Aaron's living room and
A. Tells a joke-- Q: What kind of milk does Ben drink? A: Werewolf Skim
B. Makes Ben an escape cake with a vampire baked inside
C. Takes pity on Ben, giving him a candy bar to eat
D. Advises him not to say or transform into anything until his legal counsel arrives

15 Feeling sure his dad has made a mistake about Ben, Aaron does what?
A. Writes to his congressman about passing the Aaron's Dad Is Like Totally Wrong Bill
B. Offers to hold magical body-switching stone at the same time as Ben
C. Takes pity on Ben, giving him a candy bar to eat
D. Offers to describe the outside world in "very vivid detail" if Ben agrees to stay incarcerated

16 Aaron does ultimately let Ben loose, only to realize his mistake when
A. Ben says "Oh by the way, I'm a werewolf" on his way out the door
B. Ben says "Oh by the way, I'm not a werewolf-- PSYCH!" on his way out the door
C. Ben turns into a werewolf and maims three people immediately following his release
D. Ben writes him a letter and signs it as "Ben the Werewolf," with "the Werewolf" scribbled over a few times

17 Aaron soon realizes that the werewolf terrorizing the town is actually
A. Ben. What a twist!
B. An overly-intricate PETA protest
C. Himself
D. One of the fifty other werewolves from these books

18 Aaron feels nauseated once he realizes that during his werewolf rampage, he ate
A. At Applebee's
B. Nine. Oh no, he's not a werewolf, he's a Seven!
C. Ashlee's French poodle
D. Off his friend's plate even though he said he wasn't hungry and didn't order anything

19 Aaron's dad almost kills his werewolf son. What stops him?
A. Killing children still illegal in all fifty states
B. Guiltily realizes "Aren't we all a little bit werewolfish at times?"
C. Notices the werewolf's wolf-tooth necklace
D. The sudden realization that there's no such job as "Werewolf hunter"

20 Aaron saves Werewolf Ben from being shot, only to discover that Aaron's dad
A. Forgot to put bullets in his weapon. The werewolf then easily ducks the unloaded gun after Aaron's dad throws it at his head
B. Is an undercover werewolf who is in too deep to blow his cover
C. Is willing to turn both werewolves over to the proper science authorities, which I guess is something which exists in this book
D. Doesn't really care about werewolves anymore. He's more into Transformers now. And dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are neat!

EXTRA CREDIT What is Aaron's solution to all of his problems?
A. Wait them out. The book ends on the next page, what could possibly happen at the last moment to completely alter the circumstances of the previous 115 pages?
B. Cut a bitch
C. Bite his dad, forming a Werewolf Trio
D. Bite nineteen other people, forming a Werewolf Orchestra


the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship:
Aaron and his best pal Ashlee, who appears halfway through the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
I sure hope Aaron's dad never tries to lecture his son about not kidnapping people, because he's certainly blown his ability to pass judgment on that.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 6/7:
Aaron's dad screams out for his son to hurry outside and... eat some eggs! I hope you enjoyed that, as it was the most thrilling part of the book.

Great Prose Alert:
I ate my best friend's dog!

Conclusions:
Does a werewolf hunter count as a scientist?