Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday, October 03, 2011
Monday, May 09, 2011
More Tales to Give You Goosebumps
More Tales to Give You Goosebumps: Goosebumps Special Edition #2
Back Tagline: Reader Beware-- You're In For Ten Summertime Scares!
Official Summary: Is Matt's summer camp being taken over by an evil patch of poison ivy? Will Eric escape from his tank, now that he's been turned into a fish? Can Tara help the terrified voice she hears inside a beautiful seashell?
Find out in these ten creepy Goosebumps short stories perfect for reading around the campfire or under the covers!
As I'm sure you all remember from the last time I talked about these books some thirteen years ago, the first Special Edition Goosebumps gift set came exclusively packed with a logo-branded Itty Bitty Book Light. I had assumed that the exorbitant price of the hastily-compiled short story collection did little to help coat the pill of one of the earliest (and nowhere near last) cash-grabs in the history of the series. So even in retrospect it's somewhat surprising that the set sold well enough to warrant a second entry. Following in the true Goosebumps-fashion of when in doubt, recreate an existing product, this set's special feature is unbelievably another Itty Bitty Book Light. Surely kids aren't that dumb, right? Well, they made four more gift sets after this one, so add that to your Gen Y denunciations, American Media.
the Werewolf's First Night
How to write your very own Goosebumps short story:
Step 01
Name your main character (Sex unimportant, must be twelve years old)
Brian is twelve years old.
Step 02
Quickly introduce, then separate the parents from the protagonist
Brian's parents have signed him up for a day camp that appears to employ no counselors and only a handful of other kids enrolled. So basically they've signed him up to join a gang.
Step 03
Have protagonist jump to conclusions that eventually turn out to be false
Everyone at this camp is a werewolf.
Step 04
In stunning twist, have false conclusion bring about the actual conclusion, which must either be as or less credible than the perceived conclusion
No one at this camp is a werewolf. Except for Brian, who is a werewolf.
P.S. Don't Write Back
David Stevenson is having a great time at Camp Timber Lake Hills. He's keen on his bunkmates but not so keen on their grumpy camp counselor, Sam. Sam likes to tease David about how few letters he receives. And by few, I mean zero. And by tease, I mean mock. And by David, I mean David. Finally though, one day David has reason to wag his tail and wail when Sam announces that the camp's secretary found a letter addressed to him at the bottom of a drawer. But the letter's contents put a damper in this camper, as his mom has only written to tell him that they won't be visiting him on Visiting Day. Uh, is it even legal for them to refer to it as that, then? The note ends with the titular postscript:
Love,This news bothers David, as he's a kid and the world revolves around him. Take comfort in knowing that at least this story revolves around you, David. David gets another letter the next day announcing that after camp ends, he is going to be sent to live with his Great-Uncle John. David's now very confused, as his life is starting to resemble a terrible Hallmark special: Great-Uncle John is 87 years old and probably not the best guardian for a child. Or is he? Watch Welcome to Gramp's Nightmare next Sunday at 8/7c, only on ION.
Mom and Dad
PS: More Tales To Give You Goosebumps
David sneaks into the offices to phone his mother (remember, this is a Goosebumps camp story, so the phones are OFF LIMITS) but is interrupted by Sam. On his way out, David notices a mistake in the letter addressed to him: It's for David Stevenson from Camp Timber Lane Hills. He's at Camp Timber Lake Hills, Camp Timber Lane Hills is across the lake. So the Lake is across the lake from the Lane in the hills, which sounds like the start of a Danny Kaye routine.
David comes up with a brilliant plan: Since the letters were obviously meant for a camper with his same name and family across the lake, he'll sneak over in a rowboat and deliver them. But the flaw in his reasoning is made clear when he encounters the other camp's David Stevenson and discovers he's some dead kid or something. David Alive shows the zombies some what for before quickly retreating back to his camp.
Upon arriving back, he makes the terrifying discovery that the camp across the lake burned down thirty years ago. He then checks the postmark on his letter and notices it's from 1964. Okay, so I get the first letter being stuck in a drawer, but where did that second letter come from? USPS is inefficient, sure, but not to the extent that they go so far bad that they circle back and inadvertently become efficient from a plot perspective. So, what I'm saying is, enjoy getting dumped at your uncle's, dude.
Something Fishy
In case you're convinced this one deserves more than my glib YouTube response, feast on this:
"Please don't flush me! Please don't flush your only son, Mom!"
You Gotta Believe Me!
A parable of class consciousness, Red Labor Stine has finally produced a work fit for the fit to work. A young child, free of technological ties to mass media, uses his spare time to survey the night sky for potential threats to the homeland. One night, the intrepid child spies colored lights in the sky. Upon investigating crop-circles at a for-profit farm, the boy is met with disgust from the bourgeois landowner and instructed to leave "his" land. The boy tries to tell his parents of his experience over breakfast the next morning, but his father, distraught from the news of local plant shutting its doors on the unionized workers, speaks only to his son of "Another defeat for the workers." The child respects his father's compassion for his brothers, but presses the importance of the alien threat.
That night, in the spirit of communal ownership, the boy "borrows" his father's camera in order to snap photographic surveillance of the aerial invaders. The child snakes back to the farm and witnesses the alien crafts land in the fields of the bougie baddie, who luckily is spotted from his living room window, enraptured by the false comforts of television. The boy overhears the plans of the alien race to enslave the common man via mass televised signal the following night. The boy is caught by the creatures and feigns hypnosis to buy his freedom. After the aliens release him, he takes $140 worth of aluminum foil on credit from the local capitalist merchant and creates a giant foil screen to scramble the signal and foul the aliens' plot. His plan is successful, proving that there ain't no party like the communist party cuz the communist party stops aliens.
Suckers!
The only thing worth mentioning about story, other than it being one big "Oh cool, I've seen the Blob and Creepshow 2," is that it takes place on "Black Island."
Dr. Horror's House of Video
Ben Adams is a huge horror fan, so he's spent his entire summer vacation indoors watching scary movies. As the story opens, he's watching a flick about a plant that lifts its victims "Up Up Up". I dunno, a plant that gets people high... who'd ever believe that?
But all bud things must come to a spent and his mom eventually boots Ben out of the house. Like many have done in his situation before him, Ben goes to the video store. Only this is no ordinary video store... it's Dr. Horror's House of Video? It's no surprise that the owner is stuck running a video store, as I could have told him that a doctorate in horror has about as much real job market value as an undergraduate degree in broadcasting.
Things go from sad to sadder when it is revealed that Dr. Horror is an amateur low budget horror filmmaker. Dr. Horror shows him a scene from his latest opus, Lizardman, but Ben gets dragged off before he can finish watching. But one cannot watch only part of a part-lizard, part-man movie, so Ben races back the following day to finish viewing the film. The store is closed but Ben goes in anyways, since breaking and entering in the Goosebumps world is about as frowned upon as MDMA use in Skins. Ben finishes the film but now finds the front door locked. Luckily there's a back door... leading right to Dr. Horror's makeshift garage studio. Rather than being upset that Ben's broken into his closed business, Dr. Horror Swanbergs him into starring in the new Lizardman sequel. But first he must call his parents to get permission for a strange doctor to tape him doing various acts in his garage.
Unfortunately, before Ben can Gerwig out for Dr. Horror, the entire cast of the General Mills Breakfast Brigade descends on the boy and is suddenly dawns on him that hey, wait a minute, slasher-style horror movies only serve to fuel misanthropic misogynistic angst on the part of the viewer by feeding into their basest fantasies borne out of social rejection.
the Cat's Tale
Marla is upset that her family packed up and moved from NYC to River Falls. She misses taxis. She misses her friends. She misses Friends. She misses the total lack of anything resembling legroom at the Film Forum. But at least River Falls has thunderstorms! Apparently it never rains in NYC, which will be news to NYC.
Marla's family takes advantage of the storm to start exchanging spooky tales, but like RL Stine, Marla has no interest in telling scary stories. She'd much rather prefer for a large black cat to jump through the open window and attack her. She's in luck! Marla begs her parents to let her keep the cat and they relent. Marla jumps at the opportunity to shower her new pet with attention but her attention is diverted when her new pet jumps into the shower with her. No, I'm not going to make that joke. Stop looking for it.
Turns out the cat is trying to steal Marla's life before it runs out of its nine lives or something. And there's cat whispering.
Shell Shocker
Tara and Tommy are arguing about who has rightful claim to a beautiful seashell found washed ashore at the beach. Tommy only wants it to listen to the ocean, even though Tara knows you can't really hear the ocean inside a shell. Tara desperately wants the shell as her own and envisions an elaborate reception awaits her subsequent arrival at school with the shell in tow. And yet somehow she finds time to make fun of her brother for being stupid?
Tara wins and when she humors her brother, she hears a dim voice from within the shell crying out to be saved. Tara believes the voice and follows its directions towards an out of the way cave where she is promised the biggest seashell in the world if she helps the being trapped in the smaller shell. And so it goes, as Tara is tricked into traveling deep within the cave and is greeted with her prize: the giant shell. And inside, of course, is the giant hermit crab, who snatches her in its claws as the little voice from within the smaller shell cries out to his mother that he's tricked yet another victim. So, okay, this one was actually pretty good.
Poison Ivy
Leave it be.
the Spirit of the Harvest Moon
Jenny and her family camp out at a friendly nearly-abandoned lodge deep in the woods. Their first night in the cabins, Jenny hears a ghostly voice call out her name. The next day she is warned that the lodge is haunted and should the ghost catch her on the night of the harvest moon, she will be forced to live a year as mist. This is some threat, because I didn't want to see the Mist for two hours, so I certainly wouldn't want to be it for a year. She tries to laugh off the warning, but the friendly cabin hand tells her if she thinks she can escape the wrath of the spiritual delinquents, she's got another thing comin'!
Harvest moon night arrives and Jenny becomes convinced that Tyler, the twelve year old son of the cabin owners, is actually the spirit he warned against. Her suspicions seemingly prove accurate when Tyler starts banging on her door, demanding she come a little bit closer and hear what he has to say. Luckily, her dog, Bravo, chases after the boy and scares away the spirit for good. Only, turns out he wasn't the spirit at all, as the dog then turns to Jenny and spookily intones, "Roll that ethereal being footage." I guess his bark was worse than his sprite?
Here's to a Blogger Beware season that's all summer, no bummer!
Monday, May 02, 2011
Look Back in Languor
So, everyone wants a retrospective on the Series 2000 books. It's probably my fault, as I'm sure I at some point promised such a thing to be forthcoming. But I meant that in the same way I say, "We should really hang out some time, and not in that way people say 'Let's hang out,' but really hang out" and then we don't ever hang out. So we should retrospective, right? Well, here's the rub: I can't remember, like, all of these books. Either I read them again, which is never going to happen ever in a million evers, or I do this: Write down everything I can remember about each book, from memory, without checking. Results may vary.
01 Cry of the Cat
Okay, I remember a couple things from this book. One, a cat gets decapitated with a bike. Two, there's a cat tornado made of cats. When those are your one and two, who needs a three?
02 Bride of the Living Dummy
I recall Slappy giving some girl a "love tap." I also recall that because Blogger sux, I can't edit that entry without messing up the "FUCK THIS BOOK" text rainbow.
03 Creature Teacher
Um, there's a teacher who's also a monster that eats children if they don't perform well at a talent show. Very realistic commentary on something. Certainly not education. Almost surely not talent shows or monsters or eating, either.
04 Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Pt 1
I think this is the one about hugging.
05 Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Pt 2
Or is it this one?
06 I Am Your Evil Twin
Probably not this one. I do vaguely recall there being a truck with a scientist in this one, though. This seemed like a much funnier idea when I thought I'd remember anything at all about these books.
07 Revenge R Us
Lite R ally R emember nothing about this one.
08 Fright Camp
Okay, this is the one where the kids go to a camp that's run by a Wes Craven-type character. And there's a raccoon-type animal on the cover. It's probably a raccoon.
09 Are You Terrified Yet?
No idea what this is. So, no.
10 Headless Halloween
I don't remember a single thing about this one, either. Like, I can't even picture the cover right now. Possibly this book doesn't exist. Get Trump on the horn.
11 Attack of the Graveyard Ghouls
This is the one where the kid gets tricked into switching bodies with a dead person in the graveyard and then the zombies run around in the streets with axes, chopping up car windows and setting fires. This one, oddly enough, was a relevant commentary on education, talent shows, monsters, and eating.
12 Brain Juice
Finally, one I actually remember. Some kids run afoul of aliens who want to make everyone dumb or smart or something. Okay, so "remember" is relative. I at least can recall the existence of this book.
13 Return to Horrorland
There's a news crew that wants the kids from the original to go undercover at the park, but then it turns out the crew is actually in cahoots with the park or the government or something. Let's build an entire series around that
14 Jekyll and Heidi
I think remembering this one is cheating since surely it's a Jekyll and Hyde story?
15 Scream School
Kid who pranks another kid is a dead kid. Book sets up unlikely hoax involving a movie set or something. Drop Dead Fred was on the cover. Next.
16 the Mummy Walks
How is it that I can recall the Celery Stalks at Midnight, which I haven't read in twenty-two years, but I can't remember anything about this book I read a couple years ago?
17 the Werewolf in the Living Room
Awful werewolf story, even by Stine's standards, that takes a weird turn two-thirds through with the main character being kidnapped by some sort of carny.
18 Horrors of the Black Ring
I remember this entry being really funny. Is that narcissistic of me? To be fair, I can't even remember what I wrote for most of these, much less what the source material was.
19 Return to Ghost Camp
Gay camp story, and no, that's not redundant.
20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!
Oh man, this is the most ridiculous Goosebumps book ever. So much so that I actually remember parts of it, with its time travel and card playing and Jumanjing. Glad I wisely resisted a My Sister Sam joke in this entry, that's what I recall most fondly.
21 the Haunted Car
Kid loves cars we've heard of slightly less than a car no one's ever heard of.
22 Full Moon Fever
Awful werewolf story, even by Stine's standards, that takes a weird turn two-thirds through with the main character being greeted by a werewolf in the living room.
23 Slappy's Nightmare
Slappy must do good deeds for some reason. Turns out another dummy is counteracting his good deeds with bad ones. Stretches believability with premise that more than one sentient doll could be gallivanting around someone's house without anyone noticing.
24 Earth Geeks Must Go!
Earth geeks went.
25 Ghost in the Mirror
Let's Get Indefensible!
Well, there's only one way left to salvage this retrospective:
01 Cry of the Cat
Okay, I remember a couple things from this book. One, a cat gets decapitated with a bike. Two, there's a cat tornado made of cats. When those are your one and two, who needs a three?
02 Bride of the Living Dummy
I recall Slappy giving some girl a "love tap." I also recall that because Blogger sux, I can't edit that entry without messing up the "FUCK THIS BOOK" text rainbow.
03 Creature Teacher
Um, there's a teacher who's also a monster that eats children if they don't perform well at a talent show. Very realistic commentary on something. Certainly not education. Almost surely not talent shows or monsters or eating, either.
04 Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Pt 1
I think this is the one about hugging.
05 Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Pt 2
Or is it this one?
06 I Am Your Evil Twin
Probably not this one. I do vaguely recall there being a truck with a scientist in this one, though. This seemed like a much funnier idea when I thought I'd remember anything at all about these books.
07 Revenge R Us
Lite R ally R emember nothing about this one.
08 Fright Camp
Okay, this is the one where the kids go to a camp that's run by a Wes Craven-type character. And there's a raccoon-type animal on the cover. It's probably a raccoon.
09 Are You Terrified Yet?
No idea what this is. So, no.
10 Headless Halloween
I don't remember a single thing about this one, either. Like, I can't even picture the cover right now. Possibly this book doesn't exist. Get Trump on the horn.
11 Attack of the Graveyard Ghouls
This is the one where the kid gets tricked into switching bodies with a dead person in the graveyard and then the zombies run around in the streets with axes, chopping up car windows and setting fires. This one, oddly enough, was a relevant commentary on education, talent shows, monsters, and eating.
12 Brain Juice
Finally, one I actually remember. Some kids run afoul of aliens who want to make everyone dumb or smart or something. Okay, so "remember" is relative. I at least can recall the existence of this book.
13 Return to Horrorland
There's a news crew that wants the kids from the original to go undercover at the park, but then it turns out the crew is actually in cahoots with the park or the government or something. Let's build an entire series around that
14 Jekyll and Heidi
I think remembering this one is cheating since surely it's a Jekyll and Hyde story?
15 Scream School
Kid who pranks another kid is a dead kid. Book sets up unlikely hoax involving a movie set or something. Drop Dead Fred was on the cover. Next.
16 the Mummy Walks
How is it that I can recall the Celery Stalks at Midnight, which I haven't read in twenty-two years, but I can't remember anything about this book I read a couple years ago?
17 the Werewolf in the Living Room
Awful werewolf story, even by Stine's standards, that takes a weird turn two-thirds through with the main character being kidnapped by some sort of carny.
18 Horrors of the Black Ring
I remember this entry being really funny. Is that narcissistic of me? To be fair, I can't even remember what I wrote for most of these, much less what the source material was.
19 Return to Ghost Camp
Gay camp story, and no, that's not redundant.
20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!
Oh man, this is the most ridiculous Goosebumps book ever. So much so that I actually remember parts of it, with its time travel and card playing and Jumanjing. Glad I wisely resisted a My Sister Sam joke in this entry, that's what I recall most fondly.
21 the Haunted Car
Kid loves cars we've heard of slightly less than a car no one's ever heard of.
22 Full Moon Fever
Awful werewolf story, even by Stine's standards, that takes a weird turn two-thirds through with the main character being greeted by a werewolf in the living room.
23 Slappy's Nightmare
Slappy must do good deeds for some reason. Turns out another dummy is counteracting his good deeds with bad ones. Stretches believability with premise that more than one sentient doll could be gallivanting around someone's house without anyone noticing.
24 Earth Geeks Must Go!
Earth geeks went.
25 Ghost in the Mirror
Let's Get Indefensible!
Well, there's only one way left to salvage this retrospective:
Monday, April 25, 2011
Series 2000 #25 Ghost in the Mirror
Goosebumps Series 2000 # 25 Ghost in the Mirror
Brief Synopsis
Jason is constantly being tormented by his older sister, Claudia. One time she tied a string to a dead rat and made Jason think it was alive (Claudia somehow thought she came out the winner on that prank). Another time she threw cooked spaghetti in between his sheets and he freaked out because he thought they were snakes. Snakes. Yes Jason, shoestring snakes, that's a perfectly logical conclusion to reach. She even torments him by mocking the fact that he still has to sleep in modified baby furnishings because his family can't afford to upgrade his bedroom set. This is just adding insult to injury, though, as suffering through Tiny Furniture is certainly punishment enough already.
Several weeks later, Jason's parents surprise him with some new wares they picked up at a garage sale: A battered dresser with a couple jammed drawers and a large antique mirror. Jason admires the new additions but finds himself uncomfortably drawn to the mirror, despite possessing neither a digital camera nor a MySpace account.
Somewhat inexplicably, Jason calls his friend Fred over to come see his new mirror and dresser. These new acquisitions lack much drawering power for Fred, even after Jason brags about how the mirror reflects the posters on his wall. What is the proper reaction from his friend supposed to be, exactly? "Holy shit, dude, you mean that mirror is a mirror?!"
As though looking at second-hand furniture wasn't exciting enough, the book kicks it into high gear with a couple pages of the two boys playing a video game called "NBA Basketball." I guess there might be a way to make a long description of someone else playing a video game interesting, but we'll never know with lines like this:
The crowd on the screen cheered. The score changed.For some reason, Fred wants to leave all this excitement and go home. On his way out, he mentions that he spied something weird moving in the mirror. On the floor in front of the glass, Jason spies a yellowed sheet of paper with a threat penned in "old-fashioned-looking, fancy writing." Calligrapher beware, you're in for a scare! Jason blames his sister, who denies having written the note, but uses the opportunity to trick him into seeing a ghost, which causes Jason to let out a cry and spill his Coke on the carpet. RL Stine apparently forgot what he was writing almost as fast as his readers, because in the next paragraph Jason's using a mop to clean up the spilled soda. The reader is tragically deprived of several pages of detailed cleaning, even though it would be about as or more exciting than the video game play by play which preceded.
As disinterested as Jason's best friend is in the mirror, at least man's best friend gets something out of it: Jason finds his dog, Buzzy, barking at the mirror. A dog barking at a mirror is awarded an entire chapter. When the dog later starts growling and attacks Jason by trying to tear out his throat, we're given a couple paragraphs. Because that clearly is nowhere near as interesting as a video game about basketball.
Or hockey. Fred and Jason are passing around the puck in their video game when Fred takes a break to look at himself in the mirror. That's when the two boys notice that the mirror is reflecting Buzzy, even though he's not in the room. So much excitement makes Jason thirsty, so he excuses himself from his room to grab a Coke to spill when he returns to find Fred has vanished. While looking around the house for his missing friend, his parents tell him they rented "an old Hitchcock movie," which is good, because renting a new one would be some feat. They assure him that it's a "scary" one, but Jason wisely opts out of watching Topaz.
Jason checks back in his room again and hears something in his closet. Upon opening the door, a red-eyed creature leaps out at him, causing him to respond, "Oh no, not an esoteric representation of the impermeability of death in Thai culture!" Turns out it's just Sister Claudia Who Can Recall Her Past Halloween Costumes, as she has just slipped on a mask to spook the easily spookable Jason. Okay, in all fairness, if I'm already in an emotionally vulnerable state and someone jumps out of my closet at me, I'd probably spill the metaphorical Coke too.
As he drifts off to sleep that night, Jason can hear the odd barks of his dog, locked up in the garage so as to prevent more throat-attacks/Coke-spillings. Jason is soon distracted by another noise though, that of Buzzy's whimpering, which is coming from inside the mirror. Despite being terrified, he does not spill any further Coke.
Fred reappears at school the next day, only, like Shirley MacLaine and Audrey Hepburn before him, he's... different. His sports abilities go from Lane to Kobe Bryant and this newfound prowess leads Jason to jokingly suggest that he's "possessed." In an intense moment that nearly causes Jason to spill his Gatorade, Fred gets very exorcist-off and tells Jason to never say that. It's then Fred's turn to spill some choke, as he knocks Jason to the ground and begins attacking and pummeling his friend's face until his nose bloodies.
That night, Jason is awoken by heavy breathing that appears to come from the mirror. Things take a turn for the What. as Jason spies a mysterious cloud-like figure emerging from the mirror. The being grabs Jason and tries to take him into the mirror or something. Jason passes out and wakes up on his bedroom floor. He then meets his ghost, who tells him that he just died of fright and should therefore come with him into the mirror.
Before Jason can walk through the mirror, he's stopped by the bark of his dog Buzzy and the pleas of his friend Fred. Jason wises up and resists entering the now-black mirror. His ghost grows angry and tries to push him into the mirror. When that doesn't work, the ghost turns itself inside out and reveals, well, let's let Jason take this one:
"You lied to me! You're not my ghost! You're a monster!"The book seriously turns into an acid trip at this point. The weird monster thing tries to drag the kid into the mirror and he resists as long as he can, grabbing a small hand mirror from within the dresser in the process. He throws the smaller mirror in front of the larger one while falling into the big mirror and suddenly the reflections of the reflections of the reflections (c'mon folks, you've seen a mirror before) multiply his monster threat from one to hundreds of monsters all primed to slaughter Jason. Jason backs away as quick as he can and falls back through the mirror again. This probably makes a lot more sense if you're on acid while reading, too.
Jason watches for a little while as the monsters attack each other before hollering for his parents. Because horrible mirror creatures need more victims? His parents arrive and, wouldn't you know it, the monsters are nowhere to be found in the mirror. Jason proves that there were monsters in the mirror by walking into the mirror and injuring his shoulder as he bumps up against the solid glass. His parents chastise him for spilling the awoke.
The next morning, Jason is shocked to discover that Buzzy has apparently burst out of his holding cell in the garage. Riding past Fred's house, he's even more shocked to spy that all of the windows on Fred's home have been shattered. And the rule of threes applies as Jason is finally shocked to discover Fred in the driveway, holding a large car over his head. There are people inside the car and Jason pleas with his friend to quit before he spills the folk. Getting nowhere, Jason speeds away from the scene as a cadre of cops arrive, guns drawn.
That night at dinner, Jason pledges to go back inside the mirror one more time to rescue Fred and Buzzy, who he reasons are stuck inside the mirror. At no point during dinner does his family bring up the fact that his best friend was just swarmed by cops after literally holding up a family. Once in his room, Jason swiftly enters the mirrorworld and falls off a mirror cliff into a mirror hall where he meets up with Fred and Buzzy, neither mirrors. The three journey into a long mirrored corridor until they come upon the mirror that looks out into Jason's room. The two boys try breaking the mirror but have no luck. Jason gets out the magical small mirror from earlier and trains it on Fred, producing multiple Freds to push together on the mirror. This still doesn't work. In frustration, Jason trains the mirror on the mirror and it burns a hole large enough for the three to escape through. Once inside the "real" world, Fred quickly runs home, leaving Jason alone to face off against... Jason. Jason spills the croak on his doppelganger by pulling out his eyes. He then hurls a lamp at the mirror, shattering it into a thousand pieces. The whole family enters upon hearing the noise and Claudia chastises that Jason will get seven years bad luck for spilling the broke.
But the Twist Is
Jason's cleanup is interrupted by a snake-like creature who emerges from the dresser and spills the provoke by asking Jason if he got his warning note.
the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship
Jason and his sister Claudia, who spills her joke halfway through Jason spilling his Coke.
Questionable Parenting
Jason's parents debate whether they should send Jason to a doctor for help with his delusions, but reason that since he doesn't have a fever, he must be fine.
Questionable Frightening
Early in the book, Claudia points to a closed window and shouts out a warning to Jason about hornets, to which he predictably freaks out. To be fair, maybe he though someone had brought a DVD copy of The Green Hornet into his room, which would certainly threaten the well-being of even the bravest among us.
Late 90s Cultural References
Jason has some sweet WWF posters on his wall-- it's eventually revealed to be the wrestling one, but for a while there I was having fun picturing this kid bragging about having some kick-ass panda pix up in his room.
Out of Context Text Alert
But I could hear the steady breaths at my side...
"Hunnnnh... hunnnnh... hunnnnh..."
I shut my eyes tightly, as if trying to shut out the terrifying sound. My hands suddenly felt cold and wet. I wiped them on my pajama bottoms. Chill after chill swept down my back.
Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending
Ch. 12/13:
We've traced the bark, it's coming from inside the mirror!
Great Prose Alert
"Did you watch the wrestling show on cable last night?"
Conclusions
No one moved away or got married. Kind of a lame series finale.
No need to spill the heartbroke: Thanks to a fan at Scholastic who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, Blogger Beware has a set of Horrorland books ready to go. See you next week, gang.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Series 2000 #24 Earth Geeks Must Go!
Dr. Cass Tatum, Notes on my psychiatric session with Troy Steele, 04/11/2011
After entering my offices, Mr. Steele attempted to sit in my leather-backed plush chair. After gentle prodding, Mr. Steele was persuaded to sit on the couch facing opposite me. Upon being prompted for his current emotive state, Mr. Steele simply waved a pipe feyly in the air and made vague dismissive tones. I asked him to kindly return my pipe to the side table where he found it. He declined and attempted a poor René Magritte reference. I had been warned to watch out for such referential behaviors and countered with a quick, "Pipe down." This quip silenced the young roustabout and allowed us to begin.
I began the session-proper by engaging Mr. Steele in some simple background questions. After some particularly evasive and antagonistic answers (Q: Where did you go to school? A: Oh, I went to the University of I Hope You Die of Poisoning), Mr. Steele began to open up about his continued absence from the internet. Mr. Steele had previously been the proprietor of a popular web-site, Blogging Anywhere, and it was his continued absence from this internet journal that had prompted several of my patients to mention his plight in passing. However, as our discussion progressed, Mr. Steele proved less interested in questioning the limited mental acumen required to mock cheap books written for small children and far more invested in discussing his current difficulty in writing a new update. After several minutes of feverish plot description of the book in contention, I paused our session to fetch a tape recorder. So fantastical and confounding were the words coming out of Mr. Steele's mouth, I knew for certain that I would not be able to do justice to the madness unless I could transcribe it directly.
Doctor: Sorry about that. Now you were saying that in the-- I thought I asked you to please not play with that pipe. It's been in my mouth, you know.
(The patient then heaved pipe across the room. I later found it wedged between the leaves of one of my many office ficuses)
Patient: Why do you leave things that have been in your mouth just lying around? That's disgusting. I thought doctors were hygienic?
Doctor: I'm not that kind of doctor.
(Patient holds up empty pill bottle)
Patient: So, I'm not going to be able to get this filled while I'm here?
Doctor: Mr. Steele, you were telling me about this children's book that was difficult for you to read. Would you mind telling me about it again, for the sake of posterity?
Patient: Well, I guess posterity's never done anything to cross me, so sure. So it's called Earth Geeks Must Go, and right away we're introduced to this kid named Jacob, who tells the reader that he's just an ordinary kid. He goes through a lot of trouble at the beginning of the book to convince the reader that he's ordinary and boring and not even remotely interesting. Well, other Goosebumps characters convinced me of that without going through nearly as much work. Jacob gets an eh for effort though and opens the book by describing himself as nondescript-- which in retrospect is some feat, really-- and listing the dull things that he's into, which are bland enough to double for the Facebook interests of anyone who graduated from state college with a business degree. But despite all this front-loaded detail, Jacob shortly finds that once his first day of school arrives, he can't remember anything about himself. He finds himself in a strange classroom in a strange school being taught strange lessons in a strange language, a scenario that could only be described as--
Doctor: Heteromorphic?
Patient: Exactly. Things only get worse when he goes to eat lunch and all his new classmates start shoving their food into their armpits.
Doctor: What.
Patient: Yeah, and that's one of the major plot hinges, too. Everyone else in the school is shoving food into holes in their armpits and they actually get physically ill when they spy Jacob trying to put a sandwich in his mouth.
Doctor: Is it possibly meant to be some sort of anorexia commentary?
Patient: Bulimia maybe, because you'll definitely want to throw up after a few pages of teethed-armpit-eating. But luckily Jacob catches the eye of a short-banged classmate who isn't shoving food under her arm and they sneak outside to discuss what's going on. Turns out this girl, Arlene, also eats normally and she too can't remember how she got to the school. While trying to figure out what's going on, the two kids are attacked by scores of gross hairy bugs called Splatters. While the two roll around trying to fend off the attack, a gaggle of their new classmates gather around and fend off the insects' assault with high pitched singing. See, here's where I'd make a reference to a musician with an unusual or unappealing voice.
Doctor: Why?
Patient: Because people like feeling smart enough to get pop culture references that are even remotely obscure, which lends my site an esoteric vibe that all so-called outsider comedy thrives on. Also references are way easier to write than real jokes.
Doctor: So, for instance, if you were to say that the two kids were anxious to thank Judy Holliday for coming to their rescue--
Patient: Exactly. See, this stuff writes itself.
Doctor: But it obviously doesn't if you take so long to write an update.
Patient: Well, see, the problem is rarely the books, no matter how terrible they are. The problem is that I feel like I've already done all I can within the format I've established. There's only so many times I can say the same thing. I mean, do you realize that there are like eight books all about an evil ventriloquist dummy?
Doctor: I'm confused, I thought these were books for kids. Why would kids want to read about ventriloquism?
Patient: And that's the least of the series' problems. All these Goosebumps books follow a clear formula of artificial threats mixed with ludicrous actual threats, coupled with a dozen or more recurrent conventions that I studiously document every entry. And then, every once in a while, the author will just throw in some weird garbage that unfolds for six or seven pages before being revealed to be a dream. RL Stine loves non sequitur dream sequences like Tumblr users love Skins. Ack, see, I can't stop!
Doctor: I guess in a sense even your being here is a reference, since you were referred to me!
(The patient proceeded to give me a stern, disapproving glare)
Doctor: Sorry... So, you were saying that the entries themselves are hard to write?
Patient: No, that's not it. It's just that I kind of feel like all of the nostalgic glee that used to fuel my earlier entries has been replaced with easy tomato-lobbing-- I didn't read these more recent books when I was a kid, it's hard for me to figure the appeal this new series has for anyone, and thus making fun of something that obviously sucks seems like something less than a challenge.
Doctor: So, if it's not fun anymore, why not quit?
Patient: "Quit"? That's your advice? You are a terrible doctor, unless you are an addiction specialist, in which case you are a wonderful doctor. No, not only am I not going to quit, I'm going to go back to a regular update schedule. I just have to figure out a way to not bore myself writing these updates. And if that means that occasionally I have to do a self-indulgent meta entry, then so be it.
Doctor: Well, would anyone even want to read that?
Patient: Of course! There's a reason why everyone's favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie is Lady in the Water.
Doctor: Uh, actually--
Patient: Anyway, we got sidetracked there for a moment. Let's talk about those gross bugs.
Doctor: Oh right, I forgot all about that.
Patient: Don't sweat it, I forgot all about it while I read it. Anyway, from what I can recall, what happens next is the two kids are approached outside the school by a disheveled-looking man in a raincoat, and afraid that he wants these Earth geeks to come, the kids hightail it away from him. The two struggle to remember where they came from and Jacob vaguely recalls one of the houses around the block looking familiar. Once inside the house, the two start watching TV and learn that the planet they are on is under invasion by "Earth Geeks." Oh, and I forgot to mention, instead of creating a unique and interesting alternate reality, Stine just makes this world slightly weirder than our own and smudges words.
Doctor: What does that mean, he smudges words?
Patient: Well, instead of signifying a new language, he merely presents familiar-sounding words with their letters smudged-- things like "trelth grade" and "double meener." It's really snucking flupid.
Doctor: I snee mut you did mere.
Patient: Anyway, uh, how we doing on time?
Doctor: We could wrap this up anytime. I do have a sandwich waiting for me in the fridge, but, you know, it's in the fridge, so it's not like it's going to go bad.
Patient: Unless the fridge breaks.
Doctor: Why would you say that?
Patient: Huh?
Doctor: Why would the fridge break?
Patient: I don't know. I was just making polite small talk.
Doctor: What do you know about the fridge? What did you do to it?
Patient: Nothing, jeez! Can we get back to my session?
Doctor: You'd like that, wouldn't you? While we talk and talk, the fridge gets less and less... fridge...ed...er. Very clever, getting me to talk about children's books when my sandwich is in peril. Now, if you're excuse me.
(Several minutes pass)
Doctor: Okay, well, I'm sorry about that. Go ahead and continue, please.
Patient: Look, I'll level with you: I'm not really here for psychiatric slash therapeutic slash whatever kind of doctor you are-ic care. I just parked in your garage while I went to go see Hanna across the street and didn't realize that the theater didn't validate parking.
Doctor: You're aware that an hour session here costs way more than it would cost to validate parking, aren't you?
Patient: Well, it would, if I had any intention of ever paying you.
Doctor: I've really got to stop opening sessions with the parking validation. Okay, fine, but can you do me a favor and let me know how the story turns out. Call it morbid curiosity.
Patient: Well, she shoots Cate Blanchett.
Doctor: Not the movie you saw, the children's book!
Patient: That was the book. Like I said, Stine's a master of the non sequitur.
After our session ended, I sought out the rest of the story online, in the form of a Wikipedia entry on the novel. It was from there that I discovered that the strange dirty man was really the father of Jacob and Arlene, and that these "Earth geeks" had been taken to this new planet by those gross insects and armed with a secret bomb. Jacob diffuses the bomb and unleashes a screeching siren that kills the bugs. The weird people on the new planet hail the "Earth geeks" as heroes, but this is not enough for the family and they travel in an experimental rocket ship back home, only to discover upon arrival on "Earth" that everyone has lizard heads. This is then followed in the Wiki entry by the word "BOOBS" repeated sixty times. That Stine really is the master of the non-sequitor!
After entering my offices, Mr. Steele attempted to sit in my leather-backed plush chair. After gentle prodding, Mr. Steele was persuaded to sit on the couch facing opposite me. Upon being prompted for his current emotive state, Mr. Steele simply waved a pipe feyly in the air and made vague dismissive tones. I asked him to kindly return my pipe to the side table where he found it. He declined and attempted a poor René Magritte reference. I had been warned to watch out for such referential behaviors and countered with a quick, "Pipe down." This quip silenced the young roustabout and allowed us to begin.
I began the session-proper by engaging Mr. Steele in some simple background questions. After some particularly evasive and antagonistic answers (Q: Where did you go to school? A: Oh, I went to the University of I Hope You Die of Poisoning), Mr. Steele began to open up about his continued absence from the internet. Mr. Steele had previously been the proprietor of a popular web-site, Blogging Anywhere, and it was his continued absence from this internet journal that had prompted several of my patients to mention his plight in passing. However, as our discussion progressed, Mr. Steele proved less interested in questioning the limited mental acumen required to mock cheap books written for small children and far more invested in discussing his current difficulty in writing a new update. After several minutes of feverish plot description of the book in contention, I paused our session to fetch a tape recorder. So fantastical and confounding were the words coming out of Mr. Steele's mouth, I knew for certain that I would not be able to do justice to the madness unless I could transcribe it directly.
Doctor: Sorry about that. Now you were saying that in the-- I thought I asked you to please not play with that pipe. It's been in my mouth, you know.
(The patient then heaved pipe across the room. I later found it wedged between the leaves of one of my many office ficuses)
Patient: Why do you leave things that have been in your mouth just lying around? That's disgusting. I thought doctors were hygienic?
Doctor: I'm not that kind of doctor.
(Patient holds up empty pill bottle)
Patient: So, I'm not going to be able to get this filled while I'm here?
Doctor: Mr. Steele, you were telling me about this children's book that was difficult for you to read. Would you mind telling me about it again, for the sake of posterity?
Patient: Well, I guess posterity's never done anything to cross me, so sure. So it's called Earth Geeks Must Go, and right away we're introduced to this kid named Jacob, who tells the reader that he's just an ordinary kid. He goes through a lot of trouble at the beginning of the book to convince the reader that he's ordinary and boring and not even remotely interesting. Well, other Goosebumps characters convinced me of that without going through nearly as much work. Jacob gets an eh for effort though and opens the book by describing himself as nondescript-- which in retrospect is some feat, really-- and listing the dull things that he's into, which are bland enough to double for the Facebook interests of anyone who graduated from state college with a business degree. But despite all this front-loaded detail, Jacob shortly finds that once his first day of school arrives, he can't remember anything about himself. He finds himself in a strange classroom in a strange school being taught strange lessons in a strange language, a scenario that could only be described as--
Doctor: Heteromorphic?
Patient: Exactly. Things only get worse when he goes to eat lunch and all his new classmates start shoving their food into their armpits.
Doctor: What.
Patient: Yeah, and that's one of the major plot hinges, too. Everyone else in the school is shoving food into holes in their armpits and they actually get physically ill when they spy Jacob trying to put a sandwich in his mouth.
Doctor: Is it possibly meant to be some sort of anorexia commentary?
Patient: Bulimia maybe, because you'll definitely want to throw up after a few pages of teethed-armpit-eating. But luckily Jacob catches the eye of a short-banged classmate who isn't shoving food under her arm and they sneak outside to discuss what's going on. Turns out this girl, Arlene, also eats normally and she too can't remember how she got to the school. While trying to figure out what's going on, the two kids are attacked by scores of gross hairy bugs called Splatters. While the two roll around trying to fend off the attack, a gaggle of their new classmates gather around and fend off the insects' assault with high pitched singing. See, here's where I'd make a reference to a musician with an unusual or unappealing voice.
Doctor: Why?
Patient: Because people like feeling smart enough to get pop culture references that are even remotely obscure, which lends my site an esoteric vibe that all so-called outsider comedy thrives on. Also references are way easier to write than real jokes.
Doctor: So, for instance, if you were to say that the two kids were anxious to thank Judy Holliday for coming to their rescue--
Patient: Exactly. See, this stuff writes itself.
Doctor: But it obviously doesn't if you take so long to write an update.
Patient: Well, see, the problem is rarely the books, no matter how terrible they are. The problem is that I feel like I've already done all I can within the format I've established. There's only so many times I can say the same thing. I mean, do you realize that there are like eight books all about an evil ventriloquist dummy?
Doctor: I'm confused, I thought these were books for kids. Why would kids want to read about ventriloquism?
Patient: And that's the least of the series' problems. All these Goosebumps books follow a clear formula of artificial threats mixed with ludicrous actual threats, coupled with a dozen or more recurrent conventions that I studiously document every entry. And then, every once in a while, the author will just throw in some weird garbage that unfolds for six or seven pages before being revealed to be a dream. RL Stine loves non sequitur dream sequences like Tumblr users love Skins. Ack, see, I can't stop!
Doctor: I guess in a sense even your being here is a reference, since you were referred to me!
(The patient proceeded to give me a stern, disapproving glare)
Doctor: Sorry... So, you were saying that the entries themselves are hard to write?
Patient: No, that's not it. It's just that I kind of feel like all of the nostalgic glee that used to fuel my earlier entries has been replaced with easy tomato-lobbing-- I didn't read these more recent books when I was a kid, it's hard for me to figure the appeal this new series has for anyone, and thus making fun of something that obviously sucks seems like something less than a challenge.
Doctor: So, if it's not fun anymore, why not quit?
Patient: "Quit"? That's your advice? You are a terrible doctor, unless you are an addiction specialist, in which case you are a wonderful doctor. No, not only am I not going to quit, I'm going to go back to a regular update schedule. I just have to figure out a way to not bore myself writing these updates. And if that means that occasionally I have to do a self-indulgent meta entry, then so be it.
Doctor: Well, would anyone even want to read that?
Patient: Of course! There's a reason why everyone's favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie is Lady in the Water.
Doctor: Uh, actually--
Patient: Anyway, we got sidetracked there for a moment. Let's talk about those gross bugs.
Doctor: Oh right, I forgot all about that.
Patient: Don't sweat it, I forgot all about it while I read it. Anyway, from what I can recall, what happens next is the two kids are approached outside the school by a disheveled-looking man in a raincoat, and afraid that he wants these Earth geeks to come, the kids hightail it away from him. The two struggle to remember where they came from and Jacob vaguely recalls one of the houses around the block looking familiar. Once inside the house, the two start watching TV and learn that the planet they are on is under invasion by "Earth Geeks." Oh, and I forgot to mention, instead of creating a unique and interesting alternate reality, Stine just makes this world slightly weirder than our own and smudges words.
Doctor: What does that mean, he smudges words?
Patient: Well, instead of signifying a new language, he merely presents familiar-sounding words with their letters smudged-- things like "trelth grade" and "double meener." It's really snucking flupid.
Doctor: I snee mut you did mere.
Patient: Anyway, uh, how we doing on time?
Doctor: We could wrap this up anytime. I do have a sandwich waiting for me in the fridge, but, you know, it's in the fridge, so it's not like it's going to go bad.
Patient: Unless the fridge breaks.
Doctor: Why would you say that?
Patient: Huh?
Doctor: Why would the fridge break?
Patient: I don't know. I was just making polite small talk.
Doctor: What do you know about the fridge? What did you do to it?
Patient: Nothing, jeez! Can we get back to my session?
Doctor: You'd like that, wouldn't you? While we talk and talk, the fridge gets less and less... fridge...ed...er. Very clever, getting me to talk about children's books when my sandwich is in peril. Now, if you're excuse me.
(Several minutes pass)
Doctor: Okay, well, I'm sorry about that. Go ahead and continue, please.
Patient: Look, I'll level with you: I'm not really here for psychiatric slash therapeutic slash whatever kind of doctor you are-ic care. I just parked in your garage while I went to go see Hanna across the street and didn't realize that the theater didn't validate parking.
Doctor: You're aware that an hour session here costs way more than it would cost to validate parking, aren't you?
Patient: Well, it would, if I had any intention of ever paying you.
Doctor: I've really got to stop opening sessions with the parking validation. Okay, fine, but can you do me a favor and let me know how the story turns out. Call it morbid curiosity.
Patient: Well, she shoots Cate Blanchett.
Doctor: Not the movie you saw, the children's book!
Patient: That was the book. Like I said, Stine's a master of the non sequitur.
After our session ended, I sought out the rest of the story online, in the form of a Wikipedia entry on the novel. It was from there that I discovered that the strange dirty man was really the father of Jacob and Arlene, and that these "Earth geeks" had been taken to this new planet by those gross insects and armed with a secret bomb. Jacob diffuses the bomb and unleashes a screeching siren that kills the bugs. The weird people on the new planet hail the "Earth geeks" as heroes, but this is not enough for the family and they travel in an experimental rocket ship back home, only to discover upon arrival on "Earth" that everyone has lizard heads. This is then followed in the Wiki entry by the word "BOOBS" repeated sixty times. That Stine really is the master of the non-sequitor!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
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