Series 2000 #22 Full Moon Fever

Series 2000 22: Full Moon Fever

Front Tagline: Hairy Halloween!

Brief Synopsis


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Slightly Less Brief Synopsis
On the list of things I don't want to do, "Write about Full Moon Fever" falls just below "Write Full Moon Fever." Just. There's a spooky cabin in the woods, Halloween trick-or-treating, and a peculiar moment where the sibling subjects of the book are served a plate of snack cakes for dinner by Grandpa John. All show potential as good Goosebumps material and/or grounds for a CSPI protest.

Unfortunately, about thirty pages in, Stine transforms his preteen characters into hideous beasts at the hands of a neighborhood witch. And so what could have been a decent book quickly devolves into fantasy child abuse redux, this time with fur. But this Fur has no bangs to ease the bitter pill of its execution. No, this book carries on for another eighty pages with exchanges like this, which is disgusting enough in context to resist invoking an Out of Context Text Alert:

I could go for a tasty dog right now, I thought, feeling my stomach grumble.
I imagined the soft fur against my tongue, the warm meat sliding down my throat.

And squirrel slurping, earthworm eating, rat repasting, human arm harm, etc. These little beasts raise quite a repulsive ruckus. Forget the kids getting abused and the animals getting eaten, where's the public watchdog for the poor reader who has to slog through this garbage? There's whippings, children being carried around in mini dog kennels, heckling, and various other examples of unpleasantness. The book doesn't even have the guts to make the kids werewolves, because that would at least require some restraint in terms of following the made-up werewolf rules of previous Goosebumps entries.

In order to pad the page-length, there is also an extended sequence involving a disguised character named Wolf that makes the List of Adrian Messenger look competent retroactively. Add to this the world's longest and least-likely visit with grandpa and an ending line that instructs the only sane response to and subsequent way to recover from the book:

Curse bar.

Perhaps you find this somewhat abridged review to be unfair. Perhaps you think I owe a full-on summary of a book where the twist ending involves a character misreading the names of various candies. I disagree. I'm nearing the end of my run of this series. Guys and dolls, if you have any doubts as to how I feel about nearing that milestone via this book, allow me:

Ask me how do I feel
Ask me now that we're nearing the ending
Well sir, all I can say is if I were a check you'd be paying

From the moment Stine killed tonight
That last hope I had for a save
Boy, if Goosebumps were dead I'd fight
To make it stay put in the grave

Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quip-happy blogging
Well sir, all I can say is if I weren't great I'd be quitting!
And if I were this book I'd start stopping my reading
Or if I were Scholastic I'd know when to stop printing

Ask me how do I feel from this "Do Not Do" lesson I'm learning
Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bridge game I'd be folding!

Yes, I knew my morale wouldn't last
From the woeful way the book looked!
Boy, if this were a meal I'd fast!
Only if I were a fish I'd be hooked!

Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that the moment is coming
When if I were Vegas I'd know there's no payout for sucking
Ask me how to describe the whole damnable outlook
Well, if you were a car wash you'd cost five dollars, book.

MERRY HAPPIDAYS, EVERYONE!

Series 2000 #21 the Haunted Car

Goosebumps Series 2000 21: the Haunted Car

Front Tagline: Ghosts, start your engines! (What.)

Brief Summary
Mitchell is a bit of a car fanatic. The shelves in his room hold multiple model cars, racing posters adorn his wall, and he once even mistakenly rented Separate Tables. Mitchell is such a neutral when it comes to the automobiles that he claims he can identify any car just by closing his eyes and listening, a skill he brags about picking up from reading a lot of car magazines. I'm sure the editor of Shiny Bikini Babes Leaning Against Cars Magazine feels pretty validated for running that monthly Sputter Sputter Pop Vroooom Pop Vroooom Swishhhhhhhhhh Swishhhhhhhh Swishhhhhhh Vroooooooooom column now.

Unfortunately, all the car knowledge in the world fails to prepare Mitchell for being a character in a Goosebumps book and he is tricked by his seven year old brother, Todd, into thinking a bag of laundry is a ghost. Todd is convinced that ghosts exist, and Mitchell is convinced that ghost cars probably don't make noises he can identify with his eyes closed so why even bother considering their existence. Suddenly, the two boys hear a crash from the basement. It doesn't sound like any car Mitchell's ever read about, so the two go down to investigate. The origin of the noise in the basement was indeed not car-related, so I don't even know why I'm bothering to relay it. Nevertheless, a poorly-constructed bookcase their amateur handyman father built had collapsed. Todd insists ghosts were behind the damage, but their father disagrees, as he knows it's the poor craftsman who blames his ghouls.

Mitchell's dad announces a trip to the hardware store, which means Mitchell and his brother get to ride in the flyest hoopty on the block: Their dad's "puke green" '85 LaBaron. Clearly the trio are in for a spooky trip to the hardware store, as stormclouds ominously begin to permeate the skies. While the damp weather may hamper Todd's plan of suggesting their father ghostride the whip on the way, the jaunt is not entirely uneventful: The brakes go out and the car rams into a tree. Like most who experience a horrendous Crash, the response of Mitchell's father is to vomit. Mitchell smartly waits until about twenty seconds have passed before he pesters his father about getting a new set of wheels.

Mitchell spots a totally awesome classified ad for a car with no model or manufacturer name. He thinks it sounds great even though it is literally the only car in the entire book to not be labeled by model and manufacturer. His reasoning for being smitten with the write-up is basically one step above the stereotype of the teenage girl who goes to a car lot and picks out her ride based on the color. Plus, how can Mitchell possibly gauge how good of a car it is without closing his eyes and hearing it first?

Mitchell and his father go to see the advertised car. The seller, Mr. Douglas, who is dressed like a train conductor, interrupts his breakfast to show his visitors the car. The amazing white sportscar is locked in the garage behind six padlocks. Mr. Douglas claims the extra precautions are due to the bad neighborhood, but it's not like the retiree doesn't have the time to devote to Gran Torino-ing the 'hood. What else has he got to do to pass the time besides age?

Mr. Douglas giddily shows off the sports car. Mitchell thinks the blue auto looks like a Corvette, only with twice as many seats and without the hassle of being a totally awesome Corvette. Father and son admire the car, which appears flawless. The vehicle has less than a thousand miles. Surely there must be something wrong with the car for this shifty man to be so insistent on selling it. But since Mr. Douglas tells them there's nothing wrong with it, they believe him. Because who is more trustworthy than someone trying to sell you a car?

Mr. Douglas insists the two go for a test drive. However, the old man refuses to ride along, as he hasn't finished his breakfast. Yet the two don't get very suspicious when the man just stands still as a statue on the front lawn, watching them drive around in the car. They're even less suspicious when the man reveals another twist: If they buy the car, they have to take it with them right away. And then the car cost five thousand dollars. It's a good price and while the man is "one weird dude," to quote Mitchell, they take the bait regardless. While Mr. Douglas goes inside to get the bill of sale and title ready, Mitchell does cartwheels on his front lawn. I guess the neighborhood wasn't quite dangerous enough.

That night, Mitchell can barely get through dinner without talking about the car. His parents bar him from even mentioning the car due to the fact that he has homework due. They don't buy that his math teacher assigned him slope-interecept problems that can only be solved by plugging in for X and Y while sitting in a car either. Nevertheless, Mitchell decides to sneak out to the car anyways. He figures no harm can come from sitting in a motionless car, and in any other book series, he'd be right. But this kid goes and gets himself locked in the car. Oh and the car talks to him or something.

A mysterious waif happens along and lets Mitchell out of the locked car. Marissa Medding, the girl, claims she just moved in the neighborhood and ominously points to the requisite Old Abandoned House as her new digs. Then Todd comes out and glitches the Girl Talk by blackmailing Mitchell into letting him sample the car. After much arguing and Marissa-disappearing, the two brothers reluctantly head back into the house, where the two then confuse their dad getting electrocuted for a ghost.

That night, Mitchell dreams about the car. He then takes a quick break to wake up, note that he dreamt about the car, and then go back to dreaming some more about the car. He also dreams that Marissa goads him into crashing the new car. Todd sagely interprets his brother's dream to be a sign the next morning. Well, it was already a sigh on my part, so he's close.

Despite the nefarious dream and strange locking of the previous night, Mitchell still harbors his auto-erotic fixation. He goads his father into going for another nighttime ride, this time to buy some milk. But this brief trip does not do a body good. On the way back, torrential rain begins to fall. Unfortunately Mitchell's father can't find the button to turn on the windshield wipers. He directs his son to look for the car's manual in the glove compartment. But the glove compartment is empty except for a single sheet of paper with two words written on it:

I'M EVIL

Mitchell is terrified, but, like, who cares if a piece of paper is evil?

The next night, Mitchell's friends Steve and Allan come to visit. I guess his friends Ed and Sullivan were unavailable. The two convince Mitchell to show them the new car with little to no prompting. Todd tags along and all four pile into the car, shut the doors behind them, and whaddaya know, the doors lock again. Suddenly the interior of the car gets colder. The boys can see their breath and the windows begin to frost. Stine shows remarkable restraint here. I mean, there's no "We know you said your new car was cool, Mitchell, but this is ridiculous!" No "I know we came over here to chill, Mitchell, but this is ridiculous!" No "I asked for them in my grocer's freezer, Mitchell, not a roadster's freezer!" Perhaps if the boys had come closer to death inside the icy car we'd have been treated to a pun. Marissa, exhibiting the most convenient of timings yet again, pops up and opens the car door-- but not before Mitchell hears the faint sound of a girl laughing. Todd runs inside to warm up and his two friends leave, convinced that Mitchell was playing a mean trick on them involving the air conditioner. Marissa expresses exaggerated concern over the danger of faulty car locks.

Todd wakes Mitchell up from a dream about, let's assume, cars, to tell him that the car is haunted. Mitchell tells him he's crazy and to go back to bed. Giving it some thought, Mitchell then goes down to investigate if the car is haunted. It's haunted. Mitchell shows little apparition, as when a girl's voice tells him to climb inside the car yet again, he does. In a familiar act, the car locks and drives off with him inside. There's little joy to be found in this ride, as the ghostly car with a girl's voice drives poor Mitchell onto the railroad tracks. The train narrowly misses hitting the car and the girl's voice laughs menacingly. Mitchell continues to go where the spirit moves him, all the while begging her to stop. I don't know what he specter to do, but she merely replies to all his pleas with "I'm so evil." This Ghostmusters very little else in response, but before I can come up with another ghost pun, the car poltergeists home.

Mitchell's dad is furious when he sees his son pull into the driveway, as he hates oil stains. Also the whole 12-year-old stealing a car thing. Mitchell's dad grabs his arm and violently pulls him from the car when he returns from his phantasm voyage. He continues to take thing a shade too far and squeezes his son's arm hard while laying into him for the theft. Before he can face more of his father's wraith, Marissa pops up again and tries to smooth things over with Mitchell's parents. But they simply can't phantom what possessed their son to do such a Okay, I've run out of ghost puns.

Mitchell tells his parents that the car is haunted. They don't believe him enough and Marissa believes him too much. Mitchell gets grounded for life and there's no Uncle Eddie-style silver lining to the whole thing. He mopes around the house for a while before Todd drops the bombshell: Not only does he believe Mitchell's story about the car being haunted, but he knows who the ghost is: Marissa. Mitchell is somehow shocked at this news. People who've never even heard of a book had this figured out before Mitchell.

Mitchell thinks Todd is crazy and to prove it he calls Marissa's house. But the operator can find no listing for the Meddings! Oh my God, does this mean that every person with an unlisted number is secretly a ghost?

____________________

Mitchell and Todd sneak across the street to peek into the Old Abandoned House and discover it is old, abandoned, and a house. But there aren't any Marissa ghosts hanging around. Mitchell decides he'll pay Mr. Douglas, the car's original owner, a visit. Upon seeing the boy at his door, Mr. Douglas insists that he's very busy doing nothing and can't be interrupted. Before he can close the door though, Mitchell sees a picture in his living room. It's of Marissa, with the words "In Loving Memory" written on the frame. I don't know why this is a shock, I thought it was already well-established that Mr. Douglas has a hard time letting go of things that happened in the past.

Mitchell chooses dinner time to tell his parents the big news. But they're more interested in pizza than the ghosts their son has apparently seen. This is actually more Qustionable Son-ing than anything, because hello, pizza time. Mitchell gets sent up to his room to eat his pizza alone. As though one could ever be alone when they're with pizza. But this coupling soon turns into a ménage à trois when the phone rings and who do you think is on the other line. No, not more pizza, it's Marissa. Mitchell tells her he knows her big secret and she demands to know what he's going to do with it. Eat it, he says. No, not the pizza, she says, the secret. He hadn't thought far enough beyond the pizza and hangs up on her.

After pizza time draws to a close, Mitchell's entire family informs him that they're getting picked up to enchant sick Cousin Ella with a visit and he's not invited. That's right, he's all alone with the haunted car in the driveway. So, here's a thought: If you're scared of the car in the driveway, stay upstairs. But man, this kid doesn't even wait until the family's ride pulls out before climbing into the haunted car. The car locks behind him. The interior lights come on. He's not alone inside.

A blonde girl is in the passenger seat, wearing all black. He assumes it's Marissa. The blonde figure has taken the form of a rapidly decaying ghost, described in disgusting detail that I'll not relay here. Ugly deady tells Mitchell she's evil some more times in case he forgot and then sends the car rapidly careening down the city streets. The ghost transforms into a vapor and wafts into the car, speaking to Mitchell from the speakers. She tells him that she died in this car and now it was his turn. She was only fourteen when she took the car on a joyride and died in a crash. Ever since, she's been lonely and desperately wants some company. Mitchell, far from being flattered, continues to beg her to take him home. She agrees, as he can just as easily die in front of his house. She causes the engine to rev up and the car careens forward. Mitchell can tell that she intends to crash the car through the living room. As the car gets closer though, both can tell something is happening in front of the house and the car slows down.

Orange flames have engulfed the house. Mitchell gleefully tells the ghost that if it hadn't been for her kidnapping him, he'd have died in the fire. Praise be to ghost a bad thing, as she materializes and howls in anger. She accidentally did good, not evil, and will now be punished in the afterworld. She then tears herself apart. Really. It's gross. His parents run up to the car and pluck him from the vehicle. He tells them all about how the ghost saved his life. They don't believe him, but they're sure glad their son is a recalcitrant repeat offender.

But the Twist is
Todd asks Mitchell if the ghost was Marissa and he tells her that of course it was. Then he sees Marissa, standing on the front lawn. He yells at her for being evil and a ghost and not pizza until she grabs him by the arm like a rag doll and forces him to follow her away from the crowds of people.

It dawns on Mitchell that perhaps ghosts can't grab humans. Marissa reveals that the ghost was her evil twin sister, Becka. Marissa's father, Mr. Douglas, went sick with grief and wanted to be rid of the car his daughter died in as soon as possible. One afternoon while hanging around the empty car in the garage, the decaying ghost of her sister appeared to her and laid out the whole scheme. Marissa tells the hurt Mitchell that she tried to figure out how to tell him and that once he said on the phone that he knew what was going on, she didn't have to drop the g-bomb. Marissa starts crying and Mitchell tells her how her sister accidentally saved his life. She smiles a little and he tells her he's lost interest in cars.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship
Mitchell and the conveniently-located Marissa, who appears halfway thru every crisis in the book.

Questionable Parenting
Fantasy child abuse, meet real child abuse. With all the aggressive arm grabbing on display here, it felt a little bit like a child's novelization of the Haunted Career.

Oh cool
I've read Christine too. Nah, not really.

Know Your Audience Alert
Todd crosses his arms over his X-Files t-shirt and ominously proclaims that "The truth is out there."

RL Stine Shows He's Down With the Kids
Mitchell sits transfixed in the passenger seat while his father demonstrates how power steering works.

Late 90s Cultural References
You Don't Know Jack, The X-Files, haunted cars

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending
Ch. 11/12:

"I'M EVIL" ... "I'M EVIL"

Yeah, and repetitive.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending
Ch. 11/12:

"I'M EVIL" ... "I'M EVIL"

Yeah, and repetitive.

Great Prose Alert
Our front lawn glistened wetly.

Conclusions
Even though it took me forever to get around to writing this update, this is the best entry in the Series 2000 line yet. Oh man, Laffy Taffy time:
Q: Since it seems that ghost stories are the only thing Stine writes well, why aren't all of the Goosebumps books about ghosts?
A: BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF BEING LABELED A GHOSTWRITER

How to Steele a Million

Oh dear, I missed a milestone:

In celebration of surpassing a million hits, I guess I should update soon, huh? After all, there's plenty of VRRRROOOOOOOM at the top

Series 2000 #20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!

Series 2000 20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!

Front Tagline: There's a new beast on the block...

Brief Synopsis:
Connor Buckley and his friends are bored. So bored. The reader knows they're bored because Connor keeps saying he's bored, over and over again. Sometimes he switches it up and puts it in the present tense:

Bor-rrring.

Sometimes he gently reminds the reader of his boredom:

Did I mention we were bored?

And sometimes he tells us something we could have already guessed:

We were so bored, we were turning stupid.

Connor decides to quell his boredom by dragging his friend Emily Zinneman to neighborhood grouch Mr. Zarwid's yard sale. Costa-Gavras would be proud, as the book is a celebration of "Z"-- besides the characters' last names, the book's action also inspires more than a few ZZZZs in the reader. Hey maybe the book should have been called Z Afraid-- Z Very Afraid! Wait, no it shouldn't have, that's a horrible idea.

At the yard sale, there's nothing but a bunch of junk and tattered clothing-- Be Frayed-- Be Very Frayed! The lack of anything worth stealing doesn't stop Mr. Zarwid from accusing the children of trying to steal something. Connor decides to teach the old man a lesson for falsely accusing him of stealing by stealing something. They've stopped turning, they're there.

The pilfered item is a deck of cards-- though as anyone who has ever been to a garage sale knows, you never ever buy something that contains multiple removable parts like cards or puzzles. Though maybe there can be an exception made for stealing them? The cards are medieval themed, but less Round Table Medieval and more Empty Lunchroom Table Because All the Losers Who Would Have Sat There At the Empty Table Are Reading Those Really Thick Fantasy Novels In the Library During Lunch Period Medieval. Man, six months gone and I still got it! Yes, there are dragons and elves and other creatures competing for space in the dork deck. But wouldn't you know it, the faux-Magic deck is, um, magic.

All the trouble starts when Connor, Emily, and Kyle sit down for a game of Be Afraid. It's like any other game of cards until an excitable dwarf magically appears in their kitchen. Could have been worse, it could have been an excitable Dorf:



As more cards get played, more terrible things happen. Drawing a Knight card produces a group of havoc-wreaking knights... in their neighbor's yard. So, really just a mild inconvenience for the players at that point. In a terrifying scene lifted directly from the very similarly-themed Robin Williams film, one of the kids draws the dreaded Enema Bulb As Clown Nose card. Before more fantastical hijinks can occur, Connor's parents come home and start needling him about the damage done to the house next door. Connor decides not to tell his folks about who caused the mess, though as big Hoosiers fans, surely his parents would have believed a story about an angry Knight.

Mr. Zarwid shows up in a Gorton's fisherman jacket and tells Conner he knows what he did last summer: Not steal his deck of cards, because he saw Connor steal his deck of cards just yesterday. Connor denies it and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that gruff neighbor!

That night Connor has a dream involving the card game. Like all dreams in Goosebumps books, it is so retarded that it would literally break the internet were I to summarize it. I think someone turned into a dragon or something. That's as close as I'm willing to get. The next morning Connor finds "hundreds" of muddy footprints all over his room, which even within the already tenuous logic created within the world of this book makes no sense and is never mentioned again.

Connor comes down to the kitchen the next morning to find his friends waiting for him. He may have missed out on breakfast but he still manages to waffle when he discovers his pals want to continue the dangerous card game. He tries reminding them about how knights destroyed his neighbor's house but they chalk that up to a coincidence. At no point is the excitable dwarf brought up. Those of you who are concerned about whether or not these characters will continue playing a card game can rest easy as the kids keep flipping over cards, inadvertently summoning a dragon outside. The dragon smashes some cars and tosses back a few knights the kids somehow send in to handle the situation. As things look their direst, Conner gets a brilliant idea: He'll just put all the cards back into the deck. Finally, a horror novel willing to tackle the terror of 52 Pickup.

Once the dragon disappears, the kids swear off playing mythical-creature-conjuring games for good. Connor proclaims that he'll only play Go Fish from that point on. Although, based on how Zarwid was dressed, maybe Connor's already in the middle of a magical version of that card game too. The children decide to give the deck back to Mr. Zarwid. However, around this point they also decide to look at the deck again and subsequently discover that Mr. Zarwid too has a card. He's dressed as a wizard and one of the trio realizes, "Hey, 'Zarwid' is an anagram for 'wizard.'" Wait, does that mean "Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!" is the real title we're supposed to take away from this book? Connor keeps the card in his shirt pocket in case he ever has to stop a really really really really really really really really weak really bullet.

On the way over to Mr. Zarwid's house the next morning, the kids pass his unopened newspaper in the driveway. Now, I understand why the paper is unopened: The guy's a wizard. He can probably summon the news on his own. But why is he subscribing to a newspaper that he doesn't have to read? ***SPOILER ALERT*** I guess the reason newspapers are floundering all over the country is because all the wizards have already been murdered by plucky child bandits.

The house seems empty, so of course the children break into it and then subsequently appear shocked when Mr. Zarwid interrupts their B+Eing by being mildly annoyed at their trespassing. Instead of embracing the kids for their assorted crimes, Mr. Zarwid throws their cards at the children and transports them into the magical world of Fake Medieval Times. Nary a serving wench is in sight, but plenty of made up things are around them in the dark, made-up world. The kids are very upset at being thrown into another world, but I don't know why they're surprised by their tormentor's actions. I mean, I always knew Mr. Wizard had something malevolent going on:



The kids walk around and discover a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell them no, or where to go, or say they're only dreaming (Although...). But after an exciting action sequence involving hay, they do meet up some creatures called Jekels who want to eat them. Now, it's been a long time since I was in sixth grade, but I don't recall being taught anything about cannibalistic creatures that don't exist. However, Kyle keeps chiming in with facts about their new mythical overlords. So the reader gets bon mots like "Jekels always kill their food before they eat it"-- which admittedly sounds like common sense for creatures both real and imagined, but still. The Jekels ask the kids if they are sorcerers, and Connor corrects them-- They're not sorcerers, they've been conjured into the Jekel's world by a sorcerer. A, this answer doesn't go over very well with the Jekels and B, can you by this point see why it took so damn long for me to actually bother reading this thing?

The Jekels serve up a steaming hot cup o' poison to Connor as a test. If he drinks the poison and dies, he's telling the truth about being a "kid." If he floats, he's a witch. Before Connor can be poisoned, a dragon shows up and distracts the Jekels. The cup of poison is jostled away from Connor's mouth. Connor licks his lips afterwards, begging the question: Why would anyone ever lick their lips after narrowly avoiding a poisoning?

The kids make their escape and run through a cornfield. I know what you're thinking to yourself: "How am I supposed to suspend belief long enough to accept that someone who looks like Olivia Wilde would ever go through the work of becoming a doctor?" But you might also be thinking: "Why are there cornfields in made-up medieval land?" And the answer to at least one of these thoughts is, there aren't fields of corn stalks. No, there are fields of Stelks.

Stelks.

Creatures called Stelks.
Who look like stalks.
And are well-known by Kyle.

Stelks.

If you, like me, think this would be a good time to stop reading the book, I have good news for you: The book ends here. Sort of. See, and this is what some of you were warning me against, on page 86 (Which is too clever to have been intentional) the story grinds to a halt with the following bolded text:

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

And now the book gets really half-assedly meta as the reader is introduced to another male-female platonic duo, Mark and Amy. Mark has just read the first 86 pages we read and is very upset at being forced to use his imagination. In what might be the single stupidest moment in the history of literature, Mark discovers an entire pack of cards hidden behind the back flap of the book's dust jacket. "Stelks" sounds pretty damn clever now, doesn't it?

Amy and Mark decide to play the card game he just read about. To the surprise of (God willing) no one, these two are also transported into the made-up medieval world. They get caught in a net and are almost shoved into an oven until Mark grabs one of their aggressor's dogs and threatens to throw it into the fire. Man, now that's what I call a frankfurter! These kids escape and meet up with the other kids Mark had previously only read about. Mark mournfully laments the fact that he wasn't reading any other book.

A massive group of mythical beasts start chasing the quintet of kids and the children eventually find themselves led on a death march towards a steep cliff. As they near the end of their journey, Mark remembers reading about how Connor put the Wizard card in his pocket. Since they can't put the cards back in the deck to take them home, maybe they can break the spell and beat the wizard by destroying his card. Um, don't they realize that nobody beats the Wiz?

Before Mark can destroy the card, it gets picked up in a gust and goes over the edge of the cliff. Mark naturally dives in after the card and somehow falls faster than the object that was dropped from the same height. Did RL Stine really forget the only science lesson anyone even remembers from elementary school? Wait, don't answer, because...

YOU FINISH THE STORY.

But the Finish is:
Yes, a third platonic duo is introduced. Ross is upset that the book he just read didn't have an ending. His friend Brenda suggests he just take it back to the garage sale where he bought it. Ross does exactly that and Mr. Wardiz offers to trade him a deck of cards for the incomplete book as an exchange.

LET ME FINISH THE STORY.

Ross goggled at the deck of cards and suddenly remembered he was in an RL Stine book.
"Why couldn't you have put me in one of the Monster Bloods so I could hang out with Andy," he asked the sky.
RL Stine suddenly appeared from behind a parted cloud. He rode down from the heavens on a gilded yacht, his vessel steered by eight werewolves and one dog who it turns out used to be a child or something. The author's vehicle hovered over the small boy, who let out a cry of shock.
"Why are you so scared of me," the author asked his creation, "I haven't even provided this encounter with my requisite twist ending yet. Are you merely anticipating the thrills and chills my next book will contain?"
"Oh you have another book coming out? There's a shocker."
RL Stine grinned a grinning grin, as he did not understand jokes made at his expense. "Yes, and one day my number one fan Troy Steele will give it the proper cultural context it deserves!"
"So... what's your next book about," Ross asked.
"Oh I don't know, it's not due at my editor's until Thursday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"I know, Frasier's on later."
"But two days? How can that possibly be enough time to come up with your next book?"
"What happened to that cowering in terror thing you had going on," RL Stine asked. "That was a lot better than this question stuff."
"I'm just saying th--"
"YOU'RE REALLY A VAMPIRE BAT AND THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY A CAVE AND THE SUN IS A SUN CAVE."

But the Twist is:
And then the cave wash cost five dollars.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationships:
tl;dr

Questionable Parenting:
Connor's parents are so concerned with whether or not Connor heard the destruction next door that they forget to offer any help to their stricken neighbors.

Inherit the Wind Alert:
The children suspect that the caged monkey kept by Mr. Zarwid was at one point a human being, but Zarwid insists that the monkey was always a monkey. So, what is that exactly, Reverse Evolution?

RL Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids:
In the grand tradition of video games and gardening, card games can finally take their rightful place in the pantheon of horror.

Stelks:
Stelks

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Hall of Fame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 2/3:
Kyle freaks out because something is horribly wrong. Only... gotcha! That's it, he just says "Gotcha!"

Great Prose Alert:
The Krel has called together an army of two thousand elf fishermen.

Conclusions:
Finally, a Goosebumps book for those who found Legend of the Lost Legend too cerebral.

The World Needs Laughter

As soon as I actually manage to finish Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid, the entry will be posted. You may find yourself asking, "Is it really that unreadable that it's taken months to get through?" To which I can only reply, "It's a Goosebumps book about kids playing cards and I stopped reading it after an excitable dwarf got conjured." I'd say more now, but as stated, I can only reply, "It's a Goosebumps book about kids playing cards and I stopped reading it after an excitable dwarf got conjured."

Series 2000 #19 Return to Ghost Camp

Series 2000 19 Return to Ghost Camp

Front Tagline: Another summer. Another spirit.

Brief Synopsis:
Poor Dustin. His parents are forcing him to go to a sleep-away camp, despite the fact that he'd rather not attend. Their reasoning that camp isn't the same as being sent to prison fails to make much of an impact on Dustin, though his little brother Logan does start chanting that Dustin is in fact going to prison after hearing this. Dustin's parents refuse to discuss the issue and his mom writes his name on all his clothes using a Magic Marker, "the kind of marker that doesn't wash off." So... not a Magic Marker then? Before leaving his room for the summer, Dustin stares longingly at a Hulk Hogan poster. Hmm, maybe he would like going to prison.

The bus for Camp Full Moon picks Dustin up in front of his house, which is about as plausible as what comes next: The bleeding bus driver is revealed to be covered with thousands of fleas... though they are described as having "spindly legs," so I don't know what bug Stine is confusing fleas with here. It doesn't matter since this horror show turns out to be a dream. But in reality the bus still picks him up at his curb, which is surely reason enough to resurrect the ol' What.

On the bus to camp, Dustin immediately befriends the most muscular boy. I guess he's still not sure he isn't going to prison. The boy, Ari, proposes he and Dustin switch identities as "a practical joke," even though it's neither practical nor a joke. Dustin happily agrees because well obviously he wants to be inside Ari. When they arrive at the camp, Uncle Lou, the head of the camp, assigns Ari as Dustin to the crummiest cabin, Comanche, and gives Dustin as Ari the best cabin, Apache. All of Dustin's new bunkmates enthusiastically greet him once they hear he's Ari. Once inside, Dustin is very excited to see a poster of Mark McGwire hanging on the wall of the cabin. Boy, it's not even subtext at this point, is it?

While he enjoys the luxuries of his cabin, Dustin feels bad that Ari was made a Comanche. Of course, he's not half as upset about it as his Uncle Ethan will be. Dustin's bunkmates give him the best bed in the cabin and reveal a trunk of candy just for Ari. In an amazing campfire scene, Dustin tries to convince himself that he's manly and confidant like Ari by not freaking out when a bee lands on his hot dog. Two characters switching places, with one using the opportunity to act more macho, and also there's bees? This is already more a sequel to that book than Ghost Camp.

Oh and then some kid eats some bees. Wait, I mean

BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING
BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING

Uncle Lou regales the campers with a campfire story about a creature called the Snatcher. Surprisingly, Dustin listens very intently to the story. Funny, I thought it was already well-established that he wasn't interested in snatch--er, anyways, Lou tells the campers that the Snatcher can take the form of anything but prefers a fox. Dustin hears whispers about how the Snatcher is real and takes a kid every year. Naturally, a fox then attacks Dustin. In this case, the fox aggressor brings the blood as the animal scratches up his clothing.

Dustin is rescued by his bunkmates who finally reveal why everyone is treating "Ari" so well: He's the Snatcher's chosen victim this year. The book then takes the predictable trajectory: No one believes he's really Dustin, Ari refuses to switch back, and of course, what Goosebumps book set at camp would be complete without another pay phone scene? Also, someone throws up marshmallows, so there's probably a "Stay Pukt" joke to be made. And just in case you think I'm being ridiculous with this subtext thing, Dustin says this:

"I never really tried to stuff my mouth with anything."

And then the book says this:

They pitched hard. Crashed into each other. Bobbed and reeled. Smacked against the wooden dock.

So it's not like I'm seeing something that isn't there. Maybe Prop 8 passed because thousands (I'm being generous here) of kids read this book and confused their hatred for the novel with a hatred of homosexuality. I imagine it's only a matter of time before the Return to Ghost Camp Defense becomes the new Twinkie Defense.

Gradually Dustin realizes everyone at camp is a ghost, which I guess is supposed to be all a sequel to a book called "Ghost Camp" needs. While trying to run away, he meets Laura, a girl from the Girl's Camp, who is also trying to run away. For reasons I don't remember, they put off their escape for a day, which gives Dustin enough time for his younger brother Logan to show up for a visit. Logan greets the real Ari as his brother, but only under the threat of violence. I guess Ari doesn't want to be a victim of a ghost anymore than he wants to lose his fifteen percent.

The night of the big escape, Dustin's bunkmate tries to tell him that they didn't select him to be the victim of the camp but rather the savior. Apparently God based the afterlife on Wild and Crazy Kids, as the ghost kids will only be able to rest if Dustin manages to cross a dangerous river. But Laura insists his bunkmate is only trying to trick him, but regardless he should still cross the river. So, the dramatic moment of the novel comes down to: Will he cross the river, or will he cross the river?

But the Twist is:
He crosses the river! But first, Laura turns out to be the Snatcher. She turns into a fox and attacks, but falls victim to some "scary" zombie hands that emerge from the river and tear her apart. Dustin crosses the river and saves the camp, but then he can't figure out how to cross the river again. An ending that matches the quality of what came before it.

the Platonic Boy-Magic Fox Girl Relationship:
Dustin and Laura, who turns out to be a fox or something most of the way through the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
After he tells her he had a bad dream, Dustin's mom makes fun of him. Spunky mother, gay son, the word "camp" in the title-- maybe this book was salvaged from a scrapped Showtime pilot.

Why Is There A Horse Skeleton On the Cover Alert:
Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 13/14:
Ari starts to tell a knock-knock joke. OH MY GOD I HAVE TO KEEP READING OR ELSE I'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ORANGE IS AT THE DOOR

Great Prose Alert:
Nobody swallows bees.

Conclusions:

Series 2000 #18 Horrors of the Black Ring

Series 2000 18 Horrors of the Black Ring

Front Tagline: Ring around the creature!

Brief Synopsis:
The book opens with wiseacre Anthony fooling protagonist Beth into thinking the brakes on his bike have malfunctioned as he careens wildly down the sidewalk towards her and her sister Amanda. This ruse results in Beth falling for the "old 'no breaks' gag," which according to this book is a thing. Anthony's a real stone cold dude who once told Beth her cat was dead-- even when it wasn't. Apparently this guy's specialty is lies that get disproved within ten seconds of being heard.

Beth recovers from this brilliant bike joke and encounters a small bird that has broken its wing. She decides to rescue the poor bird as opposed to sticking around for Anthony to prank her with the old "Look out, it's night!" gag. Saving the bird makes her late for class, but luckily Beth's blonde teacher, Miss Gold, is very kind and understanding. Hmm...

Beth notices Miss Gold is sporting a new ring with a large black stone arranged in the center. Beth thinks she sees an angry-looking face within the jewel, but her teacher just tells her that's an illusion caused by a natural flaw in the jewel. That's funny, I thought this was Jewel's natural flaw:



Later in art class, Beth gets close to her crush Danny Jacobs by asking for him to model hands for her. Anthony pulls the old making kissing sounds while someone models their hands gag and the two boys get into a fight. Later at lunch, Danny sits with Beth to discuss ideas for the big forthcoming Spring Carnival. Conveniently, Miss Gold simultaneously discovers an ominous message written on the chalkboard: "THE CARNIVAL IS DOOMED." As Miss Gold starts to tremble, Anthony walks by the classroom and suspiciously pulls the old having chalk dust on his hands gag.

That weekend, Amanda tries to get Beth to help her arrange her Barbies from most to least attractive. Apparently you can judge identical dolls:

"Surfer Barbie is beautiful, but Rollerblade Barbie is not so hot."

And Klaus Barbie of course refuses to be judged by anyone but God on his throne. Beth argues that she doesn't have time to play with dolls, as she must rush to the school to help prepare for the doomed carnival. Soon after, a mysterious caller phones Beth and warns her to stay away from the carnival. But since no one followed that call with another warning her against playing with dolls, she takes her chances.

Inside the school's art room, her and Danny find a total mess, with paint splattered everywhere and every canvas and sheet of paper in complete disarray. So basically, they find an art room. All the paintings which were to be sold at the carnival have been wrecked-- all except Anthony's rude painting of Beth. That next week at school, Miss Gold cancels class and sends all her students to the art room to make replacement art. Everyone paints rude pictures of Beth so as to ensure their artwork won't be ruined later.

That afternoon, Danny and Beth make cookies in the Home Ec room, only to have the dessert mysteriously ignite while in the oven. The kids flee the smoke-filled room just in time to catch Anthony pulling the old walking past the Home Ec room just as it catches fire gag. Heartstrings tugged by the oven fire, the entire school floods the carnival's food tables with bake sale goods the next day. Beth takes a bite from one of these treats, feels something disgusting inside, and throws up all over her shoes. Turns out someone baked insect larvae into the desserts-- Hey, I've heard of macaroons but maggotroons?! But seriously folks, you're a lovely audience. Now, how about women drivers, huh?

Miss Gold takes the bad news pretty, um, badly, and sits in her chair fiddling with her black ring and muttering "maggots" over and over. So, she's acting like any middle school teacher then. When asked what else could go wrong, Miss Gold ominously replies, "Hey guys, have you noticed yet how I'm wearing this evil ring? Because let me keep drawing attention to it every time something terrible happens, just in case."

Before the carnival begins, Danny gets cocky and eggs Anthony on to try and hit his target in the dunk tank. Anthony pulls the old hitting the target gag and sinks Danny into the tank. Unfortunately for Danny, the tank is filled with boiling water. Despite being passed out inside the boiling tank for several minutes, Danny doesn't die because RL Stine doesn't understand how boiling water works.

Later at home, Amanda jumps out of a closet as a cry for attention. Beth promises to take Amanda to the carnival, so long as Amanda doesn't change her mind while there and jump out of a carnival in order to get Beth to take her to her closet. Once at the carnival, Beth has to work the ticket counter for a little while and Anthony pulls the old keeping an eye on Amanda while Beth works gag.

Beth tries to sell a carnival ticket to a mysterious stranger wearing a dark robe, but this reaper didn't bring his coin purse. The cloaked figure explodes all the lights in the gym and proceeds to wreak some highly unlikely havoc on everyone inside. Wasps descend upon the WASPS inside the gym and tables catch fire. The cloaked figure kidnaps Amanda and carries her over his shoulder towards the carnival entrance. A policeman tackles the hooded stranger and reveals the figure's true identity: Miss Gold. Man, it's always the person you at least expect.

Miss Gold insists she was forced to do the deeds and is lead away in handcuffs by the police. Beth finds Miss Gold's black ring on the gym floor and feels compelled by plot convenience to put it on. It does not come off. I guess insect cookies are a lot more fattening than anyone suspected.

This all leads to a dream sequence where this line is uttered:

"This isn't right!" I screamed. "Your heads don't belong on duck bodies!"

Which, while true, is still not that scary.

Beth sneaks into the hospital to visit Miss Gold, who freaks out when she sees her wearing the ring. Miss Gold screams at her to take the ring off-- man, teachers cared about setting your cellphone to silent even back when this was written!

As the book winds down, Beth naturally starts exhibiting undesirable and aggressive traits brought about by her new accessory. Anthony gets the old crazy girl bewitched by magic ring tears off your bike lock and dismantles your bicycle by hand and then also breaks your sunglasses gag played on him. But that's not enough bad behavior for the possessed Beth, who also throws a nerdy kid into a locker. Oh man, that locker door is not going to open until Moose calls out his name and asks what time it is when an elephant sits on his car.

Beth continues on her mild rampage. She snaps the legs off Amanda's Barbie dolls. She puts slugs in her sister's spaghetti sauce (Newman's Groan?) and replaces her shampoo with corn oil (Selsun Ew?). But her weird acts aren't limited to blood relations, as Beth also sneaks into the school's kitchen and drops a live mouse into a vat of vegetable soup. Oh great, PETA's gonna make "RL Swine" masks now.

Beth is feeding that broken-winged bird from earlier in the novel when a magically healed Danny shows up and reminds her about the bike-a-thon she agreed to participate in. Beth doesn't want to go though, as she's afraid the ring will make her bike evilly or something, I'm not really sure.

At the bike-a-thon, the ring tells her to cut everyone's brakes, but Beth is pretty much done with bikes in this book and pedals home to remove the ring for good. While looking for metal cutters (!) in the garage, she sees her injured bird has died. But to go on with her daily affairs, she can't really think about that, which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing-- but not as confusing as what happens when Beth tries to cut off her ring with metal cutters. Te evil face grows huge and emerges from within the ring as smoke pours out into the garage. The face bellows:

"My evil has outgrown the ring!"

So he has more than like a half-ounce of evil now? The face tells Beth he needs to inhabit a human body now. Beth's gotten used to her body and refuses to part with it. Beth grabs a saw and prepares to cut off her finger to spare her from the ring, but luckily she tries just pulling really hard first and it comes off. She reasons that without the big head inside the ring, it just weighs less. Well, there's just so many lessons in the book.

Beth slips the ring onto the dead bird and the evil face is sucked back into the jewel. She buries the dead bird/jewel-head in the backyard. She should be careful though, because as Dwight Schrute could tell you, bird funerals can result in smoke too. As the book ends, the evil has been stopped and all is well. So it'll totally be a happy ending then, rite?

But the Twist is:
Was there ever any chance this book wouldn't end with the little sibling of the main character acquiring a similarly dangerous talisman?

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship:
Beth and her crush Danny Jacobs, who disappears into a tank of boiling water halfway thru the novel.

Questionable Parenting:
After Beth breaks all of Amanda's Barbies, their mom actually considers that maybe Beth didn't do it. I always wondered what happened to the former Simpson jurors.

Someone Actually Revised a Goosebumps Book Alert:
The first edition of the book (which was used for this entry) was called "Horrors of the Black Ring." Subsequent printings were titled "The Horror of the Black Ring." Though I agree that the book doesn't contain multiple horrors, I still can't quite be with Scholastic on it containing at least one. It's a good thing that they multiplied the "horror"s and not the "ring"s, because if it was more than three rings, the answering machine would have picked up.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 3/4:
Oh no, someone has written on a writing surface!

Great Prose Alert:
"See you at school, fool," Anthony sneered.

Conclusions:
At 108 pages, Horrors of the Black Ring is the shortest Goosebumps book. Thank you God.