Monday, January 21, 2008

#29 Monster Blood III

#29 Monster Blood III

Front Tagline: Evan's growing up way too fast!
Back Tagline: It's The Slime That Never Dies!

Official Book Description:
Evan can't stand baby-sitting his genius cousin, Kermit. Kermit refuses to play video games. He won't even play Frisbee! All he likes to do is hang out in the basement doing strange experiments and playing mean practical jokes on Evan and his friend Andy.
But now Andy's found something that will teach Kermit a lesson once and for all.
It's green. It's slimy. And it comes in a can marked... Monster Blood!

Brief Quiz:
That Monster Blood III is bad was probably a given based on the quality of the two books that came before it. But unfortunately it's bad in a really boring, predictable way. How predictable? Why, take the Monster Blood III Quiz and see:

01 Monster Blood III begins with
A The promise of a refund
B A story about an evil bank teller that RL Stine thought up at the last minute while standing in line to cash his royalty check
C Evan dreaming about Monster Blood
D Werewolves

02 Andy tricks Evan into thinking she put Monster Blood in his sandwich. Evan reacts by
A Turning into a giant, gets drafted by the Sonics
B Laughing it off. After all, she's his friend and he's no idiot
C Screaming and panicking. After all, he's an idiot
D Turning into a werewolf

03 Evan has to babysit his younger cousin Kermit. Kermit conveniently lives next door to what Monster Blood II character?
A Mr. Murphy
B Cuddles the hamster
C Conan Barber
D Robbie Greene, who was a werewolf

04 Kermit performs complex science experiments, even though he's only in grade school. This is plausible because
A The Atlanta school system is generally considered the barometer by which academic excellence is measured
B Kermit's mom was Rosalind Franklin's lovechild
C It isn't plausible, this is a Goosebumps book
D Werewolves have a keen interest in science. Because Kermit's a werewolf you see. Get it, all the D answers involve werewolves

05 Kermit concocts a potion to cure his dog's case of
A Amnesia
B Bubonic plague
C Hiccups
D Werewolfitis. See, I told you, werewolves again!

06 Kermit's potion
A Succeeds. Kermit is scooped up by Pfizer, forced to wear ladies' lab coat until he hits puberty
B Fails. The dog explodes like that girl in Cloverfield. Oops, ***Spoiler Alert***
C Succeeds then fails, as the dog starts running around like... a dog
D Turns the dog into a werewolf. These are kind of getting stupid by this point

07 Oh I almost forgot, Kermit's dog is named
A Wolfbane
B Silverdog
C Dogface
D Werewolf the Dog. I'm going to quit doing werewolf answers

08 Andy is really nice to Kermit because
A She's a good person, like Michelle Williams in Land of Plenty, only without an Apple giftcard
B She's trying to bilk him out of money via an elaborate Ponzi scheme
C She wants him to do her math homework
D She's a werewolf. Gotcha, you thought I was gonna quit but then, BAM, another werewolf answer

09 Conan hassles Evan because Evan
A Is Evan, it's just inevitable
B Was looking at Conan's lawn
C Both A and B
D Is a vampire. See what I did there, the ol' switcheroo!

10 Andy discovers that Kermit gave her the wrong answers to her math homework. Her logical conclusion is that in retaliation, she and Evan should play a trick on him involving
A Shivs in the prison shower
B Andy's twin sister whom she only just met at summer camp
C Monster Blood
D Werewolves

11 Kermit gives Andy and Evan a concoction that causes them to
A Pop and Lock in time to the beat from Kermit's boombox
B Pee just a little
C Laugh uncontrollably
D Werewolves

12 Kermit sprays Conan with a liquid that causes Conan's shirt to
A Become bedazzled with hundreds of exquisite rhinestones
B Turn from a 100% cotton tee to a 50/50 blend
C Dissolve
D Werewolves

13 Conan beats up Evan. Since he refuses to hit girls, Conan retaliates against Andy by
A Borrowing her widescreen copy of Mean Girls and returning the fullscreen version
B Spoiling the series finale of Designing Women
C Throwing her high atop a tree
D Holy cat, do you realize that was the correct answer

14 Andy sneaks some Monster Blood into one of Kermit's potions while Evan distracts him by
A Regaling him with the plot of Aces: Iron Eagle III
B Getting beat up again, this time by the mailman
C Eating a chocolate bar
D Performing a traditional Mummenschanz routine

15 The Monster Blood causes the dough Kermit was mixing to
A Turn into delicious banana nut bread
B Turn into lousy banana nut bread
C Explode
D Grow fists and beat Evan up

16 Evan accidentally ___________ the Monster Blood mixture
A Marries
B Fondles
C Swallows
D Buys the wrong size sweater for

17 The Monster Blood causes Evan to
A Achieve self-actualization. Andy gives him a congratulatory plaque for achieving the highest level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
B Consider the lasting impact of the Treaty of Taipei on Taiwan's independence
C Grow
D Question whether or not Best New Music holds any weight

18 Evan escapes out of the house and spies Conan terrorizing some neighborhood kids in a surprisingly violent fashion. What is Conan doing to the kids?
A Throwing chainsaws at them
B Summoning lightning bolts in their direction
C Waving a baseball bat and threatening to hit them
D Playing them the new Mars Volta album

19 Conan reacts to Evan's huge size by
A Making a lewd joke about horses
B Making a wholesome joke about horses
C Mocking Evan
D Quipping, "How's the air up there, Kevin Bacon?"

20 Giant-size Evan uses his new-found height to
A Swat away satellites like gnats
B Form lakes with his tears
C Play a baseball game
D It's a good thing you know C is the right answer because look at that

21 Conan gets revenge on Giant-Evan by
A Beating up his little toe
B Taking Monster Blood-- on a date. That'll make Evan so jealous!
C Calling the fire department to hose-down Evan
D Jesus christ

22 The firefighters and police think Evan is
A Really lame
B Too large to be David, too small to be Goliath. They consult Biblical scholars for another, more appropriate scriptural reference
C An alien from another planet
D An alien from Mexico, where's his green card

23 Evan runs away and hides
A In Chelsea, opens a hip mattress store
B On a train with an all-woman band, "forced" to dress in drag
C Behind some lumber
D In plain sight, makes noises like a building

24 Evan thinks of a solution to his predicament by recalling that earlier, Kermit gave Andy a potion that
A Somehow caused Evan to die in a fire, making Andy the lead character
B Turned even her skin a Day-Glo color, thus fulfilling her lifelong dream
C Shrank her mosquito bite
D Induced her first period

25 While Kermit gets to work concocting a new shrinking potion for Evan, Andy has her priorities straight: She
A Decides it's now or never to start reading the Brothers Karamazov
B Calls the local five and dime to see if they have Prince Albert in a can
C Cleans up the mess they made inside the house so Kermit's mom won't be upset
D Stops to consider the plausibility of the events occurring, resulting in the universe folding in on itself

26 Kermit's mixture doesn't cause Evan to shrink. Instead, Evan
A Sees a shrink and talks out his feelings
B Agrees, Pepsi-Cola is the better tasting beverage
C Turns blue and can't stop hiccuping
D Gets beaten up by Rodan

27 Kermit fixes the potion. This time the potion
A Turns Evan straight
B Shortsheets Evan's bed and stifles its laughter from the top bunk
C Causes Evan to grow feathers
D Does some other shit to pad the page length

28 Just as the cops pull into the driveway, Evan is given a third potion. This potion
A Lacks the tangy zip of Miracle Whip
B Makes him snort like a pig, causing the cops to draw their weapons
C Shrinks him back to normal size, thus ending the extended the Sword In the Stone homage
D Turns him into a werewolf

After another (!) dream sequence, Evan awakes to discover that to his horror
A The wheels have come off his race car bed
B It's still several years until Two Guys, A Girl, And a Pizza Place will be created
C He's still shrinking
D RL Stine actually gets paid for this garbage


Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 9/10
Evan agrees, they must use the Monster Blood. Evan disagrees, they must not use the Monster Blood.

Great Prose Alert:
Out of the corner of his eye, Evan saw a monarch butterfly fluttering over the low hedges. I wish I were a butterfly, he thought.

There's a reason no one could remember what happened in this one beyond what the Honey I Blew Up The Kid-aping cover promises. Monster Blood III is probably the least-plausible book in the series, and sister, that's saying something.


Anonymous said...

My God, this is your best post of the entire Goosebumps blog.

I can't breathe; fucking hilarious.

Great job, man. I thought you were loosing your touch, few weeks ago. Glad to see you proved me wrong. :)

Anonymous said...

It's great to see that you've still got some cards up your sleeve after so many brilliant entries.

I give this an A+++. Would read again.

Anonymous said...

III was terrible! At least the other ones had something memorable about them. Can't wait for IV, which I found the most interesting.

Greg said...

Is Monster Blood III REALLY less plausible than The Abonimable Snowman of Pasadena?

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's true. I do only remember the whole "Evan is growing" thing based off the cover, though I vaguely recall him having to babysit Kermit. Yeah, someone actually named their child Kermit.

Anonymous said...

damn, think about how big the monster blood made evan's wang

andy was pleased

Amy Lynn said...

Hilarious post. XD Those answers had me howling.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, Troy, or do the worst books make your best blog entries? Legend of the Lost Legend was especially knee slapping!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe Stine & Co. milked one of the lamest and least threatening inanimate villains of the series (Monster Blood) for three virtually identical books. Well, actually I can believe it, which only makes it sadder that I was so slavishly devoted to Goosebumps for so many years of my youth.

Anonymous said...

Haha, very well done :)

Anonymous said...

I must say, I have been loving Monster Blood month. (This one was particularly good!) I can't believe these were my favorite Goosebumps books as a kid.

Anonymous said...

This entry was very werewolves.

Anonymous said...

u are a fuckin GENIOUS!!!!!omg im laughin my ass off rite now!!!!!..fuckin hilarious!!!!luvvvvvvvvv ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt n the best part "take mostar blood out on a date to make evan jelous"!!!LMFAOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anonymous said...

Evan should have fondled the Monster Blood, imagining it to be Andy.

Anonymous said...

God damnit, the Werewolf answers are so stupid you have to laugh.

Anonymous said...


Crazy56U said...

Spolier Alert:

To all those either too stupidm to get the joke or give the book credit, the answer to every question on the quiz was "C".

Anonymous said...

They actually re-released the book with an alternative ending

Anonymous said...

benny here. i thought this one was the best monster blood. 6/10 good.

JFinley91 said...

How long till Evan and company realize the solution to a problem is never more Monster Blood?!

Stephanie said...

My answer to question 16: A. Marries
Ethan MARRIES the Monster-Blood liquid.

"I now pronounce you boy and Monster-Blood. You may now kiss the green slime!" xD

Anonymous said...

I actually thought monster bloodIII was pretty good except for the fact that they nearly get killed by it over and over again then have the genius idea to use it to prank people. After nearly killing people over and over you would think they'd be thrown out of town or at least gain some character devolopment and not make idiotic decisions over and over we'll as they say 3strikes your out!

Anonymous said...

You know, I never realized until now similar monster blood I to III was. they all involve something small growing huge,Evan and Andy thinking monster blood is fun until it nearly kills hundreds of people. These books would have been better if someone else tried to use monster blood instead of Andy and Evan. Like Conan did in monster blood II or even had the townspeople have an intervention.

Anonymous said...

Monster blood one and two were alright because like the blob it's unstoppable and swallows everything so how do you beat it? After the first book thy focused more on things growing even though that spilled monster blood could still be a threat.(Which I'm hoping is the reason Andy felt she had to clean the house ). And it does have the blob like elements but instead of a massive collaboration it's just one kid trying to stop the inevitable disaster

Unknown said...

To all those whining about Evan constantly using monster blood to get back at someone, let me point out that he only used it the one time. And that was because his cousin did something very similar first, slip something weird into a possession of Evan's so something weird would happen to him. His cousin was an annoying creep that needed to learn a lesson. It backfired inevitably but I digress.
Also, why does everyone love Andy so much? Andy's the one that suggests that Evan uses monster blood to take revenge and Evan always denies it, wanting absolutely nothing to do with the stuff!
As for those who complains that he's a whiner, let me point out that Evan's life SUCKS! With a mad scientist cousin that uses him as a guinea pig, a bully that makes Evan's life hell even though he saved his sorry ass, and a "best friend" that keeps dragging Evan's worst nightmare back into his life, I'd say he has every right to complain.
P.S. Troy if you're reading this please realize how incredibly foolish and narrow-minded it is to ignore a comment that you don't agree with, doesn't praise you or you don't think is funny. Everyone has a right to post their opinion and this is my opinion. If you don't agree with it that's fine but this is something I felt I had to get off my chest.