Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Series 2000 #20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!



Series 2000 20 Be Afraid-- Be Very Afraid!

Front Tagline: There's a new beast on the block...

Brief Synopsis:
Connor Buckley and his friends are bored. So bored. The reader knows they're bored because Connor keeps saying he's bored, over and over again. Sometimes he switches it up and puts it in the present tense:
Bor-rrring.
Sometimes he gently reminds the reader of his boredom:
Did I mention we were bored?
And sometimes he tells us something we could have already guessed:
We were so bored, we were turning stupid.
Connor decides to quell his boredom by dragging his friend Emily Zinneman to neighborhood grouch Mr. Zarwid's yard sale. Costa-Gavras would be proud, as the book is a celebration of "Z"-- besides the characters' last names, the book's action also inspires more than a few ZZZZs in the reader. Hey maybe the book should have been called Z Afraid-- Z Very Afraid! Wait, no it shouldn't have, that's a horrible idea.

At the yard sale, there's nothing but a bunch of junk and tattered clothing-- Be Frayed-- Be Very Frayed! The lack of anything worth stealing doesn't stop Mr. Zarwid from accusing the children of trying to steal something. Connor decides to teach the old man a lesson for falsely accusing him of stealing by stealing something. They've stopped turning, they're there.

The pilfered item is a deck of cards-- though as anyone who has ever been to a garage sale knows, you never ever buy something that contains multiple removable parts like cards or puzzles. Though maybe there can be an exception made for stealing them? The cards are medieval themed, but less Round Table Medieval and more Empty Lunchroom Table Because All the Losers Who Would Have Sat There At the Empty Table Are Reading Those Really Thick Fantasy Novels In the Library During Lunch Period Medieval. Man, six months gone and I still got it! Yes, there are dragons and elves and other creatures competing for space in the dork deck. But wouldn't you know it, the faux-Magic deck is, um, magic.

All the trouble starts when Connor, Emily, and Kyle sit down for a game of Be Afraid. It's like any other game of cards until an excitable dwarf magically appears in their kitchen. Could have been worse, it could have been an excitable Dorf:



As more cards get played, more terrible things happen. Drawing a Knight card produces a group of havoc-wreaking knights... in their neighbor's yard. So, really just a mild inconvenience for the players at that point. In a terrifying scene lifted directly from the very similarly-themed Robin Williams film, one of the kids draws the dreaded Enema Bulb As Clown Nose card. Before more fantastical hijinks can occur, Connor's parents come home and start needling him about the damage done to the house next door. Connor decides not to tell his folks about who caused the mess, though as big Hoosiers fans, surely his parents would have believed a story about an angry Knight.

Mr. Zarwid shows up in a Gorton's fisherman jacket and tells Conner he knows what he did last summer: Not steal his deck of cards, because he saw Connor steal his deck of cards just yesterday. Connor denies it and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that gruff neighbor!

That night Connor has a dream involving the card game. Like all dreams in Goosebumps books, it is so retarded that it would literally break the internet were I to summarize it. I think someone turned into a dragon or something. That's as close as I'm willing to get. The next morning Connor finds "hundreds" of muddy footprints all over his room, which even within the already tenuous logic created within the world of this book makes no sense and is never mentioned again.

Connor comes down to the kitchen the next morning to find his friends waiting for him. He may have missed out on breakfast but he still manages to waffle when he discovers his pals want to continue the dangerous card game. He tries reminding them about how knights destroyed his neighbor's house but they chalk that up to a coincidence. At no point is the excitable dwarf brought up. Those of you who are concerned about whether or not these characters will continue playing a card game can rest easy as the kids keep flipping over cards, inadvertently summoning a dragon outside. The dragon smashes some cars and tosses back a few knights the kids somehow send in to handle the situation. As things look their direst, Conner gets a brilliant idea: He'll just put all the cards back into the deck. Finally, a horror novel willing to tackle the terror of 52 Pickup.

Once the dragon disappears, the kids swear off playing mythical-creature-conjuring games for good. Connor proclaims that he'll only play Go Fish from that point on. Although, based on how Zarwid was dressed, maybe Connor's already in the middle of a magical version of that card game too. The children decide to give the deck back to Mr. Zarwid. However, around this point they also decide to look at the deck again and subsequently discover that Mr. Zarwid too has a card. He's dressed as a wizard and one of the trio realizes, "Hey, 'Zarwid' is an anagram for 'wizard.'" Wait, does that mean "Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!" is the real title we're supposed to take away from this book? Connor keeps the card in his shirt pocket in case he ever has to stop a really really really really really really really really weak really bullet.

On the way over to Mr. Zarwid's house the next morning, the kids pass his unopened newspaper in the driveway. Now, I understand why the paper is unopened: The guy's a wizard. He can probably summon the news on his own. But why is he subscribing to a newspaper that he doesn't have to read? ***SPOILER ALERT*** I guess the reason newspapers are floundering all over the country is because all the wizards have already been murdered by plucky child bandits.

The house seems empty, so of course the children break into it and then subsequently appear shocked when Mr. Zarwid interrupts their B+Eing by being mildly annoyed at their trespassing. Instead of embracing the kids for their assorted crimes, Mr. Zarwid throws their cards at the children and transports them into the magical world of Fake Medieval Times. Nary a serving wench is in sight, but plenty of made up things are around them in the dark, made-up world. The kids are very upset at being thrown into another world, but I don't know why they're surprised by their tormentor's actions. I mean, I always knew Mr. Wizard had something malevolent going on:



The kids walk around and discover a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell them no, or where to go, or say they're only dreaming (Although...). But after an exciting action sequence involving hay, they do meet up some creatures called Jekels who want to eat them. Now, it's been a long time since I was in sixth grade, but I don't recall being taught anything about cannibalistic creatures that don't exist. However, Kyle keeps chiming in with facts about their new mythical overlords. So the reader gets bon mots like "Jekels always kill their food before they eat it"-- which admittedly sounds like common sense for creatures both real and imagined, but still. The Jekels ask the kids if they are sorcerers, and Connor corrects them-- They're not sorcerers, they've been conjured into the Jekel's world by a sorcerer. A, this answer doesn't go over very well with the Jekels and B, can you by this point see why it took so damn long for me to actually bother reading this thing?

The Jekels serve up a steaming hot cup o' poison to Connor as a test. If he drinks the poison and dies, he's telling the truth about being a "kid." If he floats, he's a witch. Before Connor can be poisoned, a dragon shows up and distracts the Jekels. The cup of poison is jostled away from Connor's mouth. Connor licks his lips afterwards, begging the question: Why would anyone ever lick their lips after narrowly avoiding a poisoning?

The kids make their escape and run through a cornfield. I know what you're thinking to yourself: "How am I supposed to suspend belief long enough to accept that someone who looks like Olivia Wilde would ever go through the work of becoming a doctor?" But you might also be thinking: "Why are there cornfields in made-up medieval land?" And the answer to at least one of these thoughts is, there aren't fields of corn stalks. No, there are fields of Stelks.

Stelks.

Creatures called Stelks.
Who look like stalks.
And are well-known by Kyle.

Stelks.

If you, like me, think this would be a good time to stop reading the book, I have good news for you: The book ends here. Sort of. See, and this is what some of you were warning me against, on page 86 (Which is too clever to have been intentional) the story grinds to a halt with the following bolded text:
YOU FINISH THE STORY.
And now the book gets really half-assedly meta as the reader is introduced to another male-female platonic duo, Mark and Amy. Mark has just read the first 86 pages we read and is very upset at being forced to use his imagination. In what might be the single stupidest moment in the history of literature, Mark discovers an entire pack of cards hidden behind the back flap of the book's dust jacket. "Stelks" sounds pretty damn clever now, doesn't it?

Amy and Mark decide to play the card game he just read about. To the surprise of (God willing) no one, these two are also transported into the made-up medieval world. They get caught in a net and are almost shoved into an oven until Mark grabs one of their aggressor's dogs and threatens to throw it into the fire. Man, now that's what I call a frankfurter! These kids escape and meet up with the other kids Mark had previously only read about. Mark mournfully laments the fact that he wasn't reading any other book.

A massive group of mythical beasts start chasing the quintet of kids and the children eventually find themselves led on a death march towards a steep cliff. As they near the end of their journey, Mark remembers reading about how Connor put the Wizard card in his pocket. Since they can't put the cards back in the deck to take them home, maybe they can break the spell and beat the wizard by destroying his card. Um, don't they realize that nobody beats the Wiz?

Before Mark can destroy the card, it gets picked up in a gust and goes over the edge of the cliff. Mark naturally dives in after the card and somehow falls faster than the object that was dropped from the same height. Did RL Stine really forget the only science lesson anyone even remembers from elementary school? Wait, don't answer, because...
YOU FINISH THE STORY.
But the Finish is:
Yes, a third platonic duo is introduced. Ross is upset that the book he just read didn't have an ending. His friend Brenda suggests he just take it back to the garage sale where he bought it. Ross does exactly that and Mr. Wardiz offers to trade him a deck of cards for the incomplete book as an exchange.
LET ME FINISH THE STORY.
Ross goggled at the deck of cards and suddenly remembered he was in an RL Stine book.
"Why couldn't you have put me in one of the Monster Bloods so I could hang out with Andy," he asked the sky.
RL Stine suddenly appeared from behind a parted cloud. He rode down from the heavens on a gilded yacht, his vessel steered by eight werewolves and one dog who it turns out used to be a child or something. The author's vehicle hovered over the small boy, who let out a cry of shock.
"Why are you so scared of me," the author asked his creation, "I haven't even provided this encounter with my requisite twist ending yet. Are you merely anticipating the thrills and chills my next book will contain?"
"Oh you have another book coming out? There's a shocker."
RL Stine grinned a grinning grin, as he did not understand jokes made at his expense. "Yes, and one day my number one fan Troy Steele will give it the proper cultural context it deserves!"
"So... what's your next book about," Ross asked.
"Oh I don't know, it's not due at my editor's until Thursday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"I know, Frasier's on later."
"But two days? How can that possibly be enough time to come up with your next book?"
"What happened to that cowering in terror thing you had going on," RL Stine asked. "That was a lot better than this question stuff."
"I'm just saying th--"
"YOU'RE REALLY A VAMPIRE BAT AND THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY A CAVE AND THE SUN IS A SUN CAVE."

But the Twist is:
And then the cave wash cost five dollars.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationships:
tl;dr

Questionable Parenting:
Connor's parents are so concerned with whether or not Connor heard the destruction next door that they forget to offer any help to their stricken neighbors.

Inherit the Wind Alert:
The children suspect that the caged monkey kept by Mr. Zarwid was at one point a human being, but Zarwid insists that the monkey was always a monkey. So, what is that exactly, Reverse Evolution?

RL Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids:
In the grand tradition of video games and gardening, card games can finally take their rightful place in the pantheon of horror.

Stelks:
Stelks

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Hall of Fame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:
Ch. 2/3:
Kyle freaks out because something is horribly wrong. Only... gotcha! That's it, he just says "Gotcha!"

Great Prose Alert:
The Krel has called together an army of two thousand elf fishermen.

Conclusions:
Finally, a Goosebumps book for those who found Legend of the Lost Legend too cerebral.

433 comments:

1 – 200 of 433   Newer›   Newest»
Jebber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Holy crap, it's back with a bang.

Jebber said...

Lol'd fucking hard at Stelks.

eepman said...

thank you so much.

troy steele said...

Thank you everyone reading this for being such big fans. I guarantee I would not have returned to finish this out if it wasn't for all of you!

Austin said...

Oh Stelks. Great return to the blog. Was worried you weren't coming back for a bit. Are you planning for regular entires again?

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

You're too much, Troy. I love you so unconditionally. Thank you.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Well that was a weird one. Took us about six months to get it, but with that description, who could blame you for taking that long?

But finally, we get updates! Woohoo!

Next up, "The Haunted Car". That one should be better. Of course, almost anything would be better than this book, judging by what we've just read.

And we're about two weeks away from the release date of the twelfth (and last, for this story arc at least) HorrorLand book!

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

Oh, and a follow-up comment: I will admit to have underestimated the WTFness of this story. I did expect that this book was a little more than your usual stupid Goosebumps book, but I TOTALLY did not anticipate just HOW LOW this story did go. ABSOLUTE WTFAGE up in here, like how.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy.

Anonymous said...

Ooher. Are you going to do Give Yourself Goosebumps after all? If you feel like only doing a few and then seeing if you want to continue, two are sequels to regular books: Return to Terror Tower and Revenge of the Body Squeezers.

Anonymous said...

This blog is as amazing as that book was terrible.

tj said...

OMG this book sucks.
Before reading this I made up my own twist. and MY TWIST makes more sense then this!

David T. said...

Wonderful, thank you for the update.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I decided to check the blog tonight, on the off chance it had updated. Haha, wonderful, although the book on its own sounds awful.

Cerebelle said...

Hooray, an update! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it pop up on my Google Reader. And what a book to return with--I can't even process how a book like this was written in the first place, let alone published. Keep 'em coming, can't wait for more!

Tina said...

oh how I've missed you. Thank you for this, it really made my day.

Nihil Novum said...

So the book actually ends with the third set of kids returning the book to the garage sale?

troy steele said...

Yes, which means you can add "How garage sales work" to the list of things RL Stine doesn't quite understand

Anonymous said...

...Stelks? That's so half-assed it makes me a little sad.

But! A triumphant return indeed for Mr. Steele. Immeasurably glad you're back.

"Drab barf aid" is my new favorite phrase, by the way.

Anonymous said...

What.

spysweepk said...

Finally! and an awesome entry to boot my only question to you troy is which was worse this book or chicken chicken?

Commander Melander said...

Oh. My. God. Troy, you're finally back! And you're alive! What the fuck happened? Anyway, REALLY, REALLY, BAD, BOOK. It's badness is only matched by how motherfucking awesome this blog is!

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Miro said...

I just read an article about awful D&D creatures

and then I read about these stelks.

wow.

Zenuk said...

Stelks? What is this, I don't even.

Anonymous said...

When the blog went on hiatus I had a feeling it was this book. Easily the worse thing I've ever read. Period.

Sandie Sandwicheadman said...

"And then the cave wash was five dollars,"

Fucking wow. Never change.

Anonymous said...

I looked up the next-to-next book, "Full Moon Fever" on Amazon, out of curiousity. The werewolf on the cover has a sort of flat head and little ears. It looks more like an alligator crossed with a squirrel than a werewolf.

Groggy Dundee said...

Um... You earned those seven months "off", Troy. That wasn't a water-shed blog entry by any means, but you should get some sort of prize just for getting through that.

I haven't read The Haunted Car, but as indicated before, Full Moon Fever will be a tough one to get through, I imagine. Earth Geeks Must Go should at least be fun. No comment on Slappy's Nightmare or The Ghost in the Mirror, I'll leave you to discover their wonders on your own.

Anyway, nice to have you back.

PS: Where's the Tim Conway joke?

Amy Lynn said...

Oh, wow. Just... yeah. Poor you, having to read that. At least we profited from your suffering. Good entry. =P

troy steele said...

Groggy, how can you not recognize Conway's greatest, Scandinavianiest role?

Groggy Dundee said...

Geez... I'm feeling kinda dumb now.

Anonymous said...

Someday, I will tell my grandchildren about the stelks.

Devika said...

I actually cried out with glee when I saw you updated your blog. Even after all these months, I've kept your blog as my homepage, and this entry made it all worth it! I <3 Troy.

darkmoonjewel said...

Yay! Welcome back, and thank you for returning with such as fascinating entry. Seriously glad I stopped reading these books before I got to this one. But I feel that reading your blog is more entertaining than reading the books could possibly be.

Commander Melander said...

Yeah... Great entry, as always, but definitely not anywhere close to your greatest entries in all of blog-dom (Legend of the Lost Legend, Calling All Creeps!, Chicken Chicken)but considering the brain damage this book might have inflicted on you, it's understandable.
P.S. Try to fit more Lizzy McGuire and Calvin and Hobbes references into this blog.

Elle said...

So, your blog is basically my favorite one on the internet by far. My friend and I were dying the other night while reading the descriptions. I'm going to link you on my blog if you don't mind.

Marco said...

Wow, thanks for the update Troy, I'm glad the blog is back on.

Anonymous said...

"YOU'RE REALLY A VAMPIRE BAT AND THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY A CAVE AND THE SUN IS A SUN CAVE."

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. I love your blog.

DarkfireTaimatsu said...

"Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!"

"Nobody beats the Wiz!"

"A whole new world"

And another car wash reference.

This was well worth the wait, several times over. Thank you for not giving up, Troy.

Elizabeth said...

So if I understand correctly, Kyle had a bunch of knowledge about this world that he has never been to?

Anonymous said...

As confusing as this Goosebumps 2000 book is, at least it didn't have any vomiting. Surely that's something to be proud of.

Commander Melander said...

Anonymous Number whatever, I'm pretty sure they're counting the vomit induced by the reader.

Anonymous said...

I'd be surprised if Slappy's Nightmare didn't have vomit. It's practically his trademark by now.

Anonymous said...

I was referring to the characters in the book vomiting. Troy still should be happy he didn't have to type out a scene of some kid puking his guts out (unless he's become so much of a vegetable from reading this mindfuck that he'll succumb to post-traumatic stress disorder if he even thinks about thinking about it).

And I think Troy got that Conclusion wrong. He should have replaced "Legend of the Lost Legend" with "I Live in Your Basement".

Anonymous said...

You might be interested to know that, if you type "stelks" into google, this blog is the third thing to come up.

Anonymous said...

No, Troy got it right. "I Live in Your Basement" was at least readable, whereas "Legend of the Lost Legend" I had to skim through, at arm's length, while squinting, for fear of becoming a drooling vegetable.

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

But see, he chose Legend over Basement on purpose. Because unlike Legend, Basement is actually a decent book. This book, on the other hand, attempts to be a mind-trip for the reader, but its attempts to do so are so pitifully obvious that it cannot be considered "cerebral".

MWchase said...

I'm personally amazed that Troy's copy didn't get burned before, or soon after, "Mr. Wardiz". That's just atrocious.

The wait was frustrating, but you really earned it, Troy.

Anonymous said...

Okay, that I can buy, but can it be acceptable to say that "Be Afraid -- Be Very Afraid" is the illegitimate child of a drunken, unprotected backseat gropefest between "Legend of the Lost Legend"'s attempt at showing medieval life as scary (though A Night in Terror Tower did it better, even if Troy did say it sucked) and the whole "the protagonist and his story is just a figment of someone else's imagination" concept that "I Live in Your Basement" did?

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

And let's not forget "The Blob That Ate Everyone", which turned out to be written by a blob monster at the end.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

A Tool said...

No, because that would be an insult to "I Live in Your Basement!" At least "I Live in Your Basement!" raised a surprisingly intelligent question about whether your existence is someone else's dream, or you're dreaming their existence, or you guys are both doing it at the same time. There were no retarded plot twists about the world not actually being real - unlike "Be Afraid!", "I Live in Your Basement!"'s plot twists were always expected, because not accepting the current reality of what you're reading is a requirement of that story. Because the story constantly follows a pattern of dreams, we can never truly accept that what we're reading is EXACTLY what we're supposed to be reading; that's why we keep turning the pages to see if we ever find out the true reality of the story (and to RL Stine's or the ghostwriter's credit, the story was left in an open-ended way that certainly leaves some head-scratching - strangely satisfying). That is SO not the case with "Be Afraid!" Here we have a story that we, the readers, have to buy into (even though it's boring as hell) and just when we're near the conclusion, all of a sudden we're forced to accept that we've completely wasted 86 pages worth of time because all of it was total bullshit. We were cheated out of what the first 86 pages promised to give - a freakin conclusion. It's just RL Stine's shameful way of trying to back out of a story that was definitely not interesting or nonconventional by any means. I could tell that even he was getting bored with the same retarded story mechanic of stupid kids picking up things they shouldn't be picking up and magical crap occurring just for story convenience and scenarios like the freakin stelks that are devoid of any inspiration. All of that boring crap would make anyone try to cop out with some stupider mechanic about how none of it was real and that it was someone else's imagination...which was ALSO another one's imagination, and again, and again, and again.... In terms of "I Live in Your Basement!", the story was based around subversion of reality. In this stupid story's case, however, the weakass subversion of reality was nothing more than a gimmick trying to make us feel like we're stupid.

Commander Melander said...

I agree... I Live In Your Basement was a pretty good book based around the "Is it or isn't it?" frame of thought. R.L. Stine pulled out all the stops when he knew the series was gonna end. SEE: The Haunted School, Werewolf Skin, I Live In Your Basement. It's just a shame that he didn't go out with a bang and shoved out the worthless pile of shit known as Monster Blood IV which only got more praise than Chicken Chicken because that book was sick, twisted, and sadistic. I don't care if Stine was trying to do Stephen King's "Thinner" for a younger audience, it was total bullshit and I feel sorry for the mind-fucked kids who had to go through that ugly abomination. Can you tell I'm an avid writer?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I can, Captain Melander, and where did you hear that R.L. Stine was trying to make "Chicken Chicken" like "Thinner"? If anything, "Say Cheese and Die -- Again" was like "Thinner" (the whole thing about Shari losing weight at an exponential rate) and had the same amount of sadism and hatred for children (at least the fat ones) that "Chicken Chicken" did (the numerous fat jokes about Greg).

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

Yeah, that was pretty bad, especially when Greg's skin started scaling off...eewwuggghh. Even so, the number of jokes at Shari's and Greg's expense were pretty much expected, given their obvious states. Chicken Chicken, on the other hand, apparently has more explicit and undeserving offense at the main characters' expense than Say Cheese and Die did. It should be noted that Troy even specifically pointed out that the people who made fun of the main characters as chickens apparently were not even aware that they were turning into chickens at all, which means they were basically making fun of them in general. That was total paraphrasing of that section right there. Now that sucks hard.

Commander Melander said...

True that the sequel to SCAD! was also an abomination, but Chicken Chicken completely lacked any morals beside politeness, and that was mentally retarded. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw an article on the web about how Chicken Chicken was Stine's comparison/homage/dumbing-down for children version of Thinner, dunno where tho.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"Say Cheese and Die 2" and "Chicken Chicken" were both just plain deranged. 'Nuff said.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

troy steele said...

If I ever read a book worse than Chicken Chicken, don't you think you guys would be third or fourth to know-- after the paramedics, the fire department, and the police, who are all called to talk be down from the ledge?

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"If I ever read a book worse than Chicken Chicken, don't you think you guys would be third or fourth to know-- after the paramedics, the fire department, and the police, who are all called to talk me down from the ledge?"

As I said, "Chicken Chicken" is just plain deranged. I think I read my own copy maybe once, and haven't touched it since. (And that was AFTER I read your review of it.)

In other news... have you even picked up G2K #21 yet? Or are you still recovering from G2K #20?

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Commander Melander said...

I burned my copy of Chicken Chicken. Before I read your review.
And Dagorahn&Tunix had a point that I did forget to bring up. Even so, not one book, not even Shocker on Shock Street or Legend of the Lost Legend came close to Chicken Chicken's level of horridness.

Anonymous said...

Aww, the "SOMETIMES there are updates" crushed my dream of getting blogger beware on a weekly basis again

Anonymous said...

Y'know, I read both Chicken Chicken and Say Cheese And Die - Again!, but I just don't remember them being such atrocities in the way that Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid! was. Maybe I was a little sadist as a kid.

Groggy Dundee said...

>It should be noted that Troy even >specifically pointed out that the >people who made fun of the main >characters as chickens apparently >were not even aware that they >were turning into chickens at >all, which means they were >basically making fun of them in >general.

I seem to recall them actually NOT finding it funny, to wit (paraphrased from memory):

"Of course Mom and Dad's guests thought it was a joke. They didn't GET the joke. But they knew it had to be a joke."

So, yeah.

I don't think Chicken Chicken is all THAT bad compared to some of the other titles in the series to be honest.

Jimbo said...

that's because they weren't.

Matt Rebeiro said...

how in god's name did you even finish that auuughhhh

Anonymous said...

:( My burning hope for regular updates has been crushed. For the love of god, don't wait another 7 months to update.

Commander Melander said...

Remember the old days, when Troy posted stuff weekly? Good times, good times. Wait, the updates weren't always late? Yeah, I hope this wait isn't nearly as long as before...

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

This just in: HorrorLand #12 can now be shipped to your home if you order it from B&N's website.

Woohoo!

I will be watching the "Available in store" section closely.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Oh, and I'm looking forward to the next update on this site too. I've been eagerly awaiting the review of "The Haunted Car" for some time now.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

lauriedoublevie24 said...

[QUOTE]how in god's name did you even finish that auuughhhh[/QUOTE]

How else? By drinking heavily and cowering out of every attempt at either burning the book or committing suicide.

Either that or RL Stine probably has a voodoo doll of Troy and whenever he (Troy) backs out of reading a book, Stine puts a gold needle in him or throws him off the balcony of his penthouse apartment [I doubt Stine has yacht money from Goosebumps (seems *too* expensive. He's a children's novelist, not the son or grandson of a family famous for being wealthy), but maybe a penthouse, a personal limo, diplomatic immunity, and some tacky, rapper-style bling, one of which is an emerald and diamond "Goosebumps" necklace] as punishment.

That's right, Troy. Dance for your puppet master, R.L. Stine. Maybe this'll teach you not to blow off an update.

Incidentally, your review wasn't as good as the others. I know you had a hard time finishing the book, but couldn't you just blow through it and write a quickie, non-descript review like you did for "Egg Monsters from Mars"? Could've saved yourself the trouble.

Oh, well. I hope "The Haunted Car" doesn't break your brain like this one. Even I felt sorry for you after reading it.

Anonymous said...

"The Haunted Car" I recall being everything you'd expect from a book of that title - nothin' special. But maybe there's some horrible atrocity I forgot, like the car runs over the family dog while the hero's in it and then he vomits all over the upholstery.

HorrorLand #12 is out in the U.S. already? Darn it, I have to wait 'til September! #11 isn't even out until August. Oh well, maybe the two books Stine's written for "Horror High" will help tide over my need for trashy books until then.

CraiGalley said...

Thank fuck for an update!

troy steele said...

Please note that this blog entry is not dated or awkward in light of the recent bad news thanks to my foresight in deciding against making a reference to the Wiz

Isaac said...

Haven't read it yet, hope it was worth the insane wait. Even if it wasn't, I'm just glad to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Please don't leave it for ages again, I've been waiting almost a year for the slappy book!

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

HorrorLand 12 is in stores in my area, and I'll be picking it up tonight. Stay tuned.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

I have book 12. And I must say... it was interesting. Very interesting. (I'll avoid spoilers until the rest of you have the chance to read it. But I'll probably be reading this one again.)

"Welcome to HorrorLand: A Survival Guide" is out in October, along with the eleventh reissue, and reissue 12 is out in December. And next January, a whole new thrill-ride begins with "When the Ghost Dog Howls", the first of seven new HorrorLand books.

And I'll be watching for it.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Commandr Melander said...

Awesome, Anon E.! Well, maybe not awesome, but noteworthy, at the very least. Just please don't spoil either 11 or 12, I'm picking both up from Amazon on Tuesday.

troy steele said...

It's like not even RL Stine wants this goddamn blog to ever end

Commander Melander said...

But the twist is Stine discovered the Sorcerer's Stone and can now torment Troy by writing Goosebumps well past Stine's own life expectancy, while forcing Troy to live forever as well! Muahahahaha!!!!

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"It's like not even RL Stine wants this goddamn blog to ever end"

None of us want to ever end, Troy. Remember, you've got... how many is it... five left in G2K, two GB short story collections, the two "It Came From" books, "The Beast" and its sequel, and "The Nightmare Hour". That's twelve right there. Then the first twelve in the HorrorLand series makes it 24. "Give Yourself Goosebumps" runs 50 books, "The Nightmare Room" ran 12, and "Ghosts of Fear Street" ran 36. All told, that's 122 books you've got listed there. Throw in "The Haunting Hour" (another book similar to "The Nightmare Hour") and the HorrorLand companion book, and it's 124. Another seven (bringing it to 131) won't kill you.

Trust me when I say, the HorrorLand books are a lot better than G2K. I don't think I've seen a single instance of actual vomit in the entire series. Not even when Slappy was around.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

P.S.: I know you've got your list of "Ten Best" and "Ten Worst" GB books in your retrospective post. Do you have a list of the 41 in between in order from best to worst?

troy steele said...

I kept a running tally of the original 62 books with star ratings, but it didn't exactly end up matching the final top and bottom ten. It was more for me to keep track of which were decent and which weren't, because the books blend into background noise after a while. I can't imagine it to be of any interest to any of you who aren't me though

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"I can't imagine it to be of any interest to any of you who aren't me though."

EVERYTHING Goosebumps interests me. But I'll be satisfied with a list of "The top 31, with 11-31 in no particular order". (In other words, assuming you enjoy half the books and just survive the other half, which books go under which category?)

And while we're at it, I don't mean to annoy you, but have you even picked up G2K #21 yet? Or are you still recovering from book 20?

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Commander Melander said...

Yeah, that's an interesting point to bring up Troy. And I can read 131 books in less than that many weeks, no prob. And write scathing entries. Although I wouldn't. I'm not as funny as you.

Commander Melander said...

Does anyone know anything about book 3 of the new HorrorLand arc? If so, tell me thx

lauriedoublevie24 said...

[QUOTE]Yeah, that's an interesting point to bring up Troy. And I can read 131 books in less than that many weeks, no prob. And write scathing entries. Although I wouldn't. I'm not as funny as you.[/QUOTE]

Oh, please. You could probably wipe the floor with Troy with your scathing Goosebumps reviews. R.G. Quimby on "Little Snarky Two Shoes" is (of course, she's not doing the entire series. She's only doing ten or 15 books she got on eBay).

lauriedoublevie24 said...

[QUOTE]Yeah, that's an interesting point to bring up Troy. And I can read 131 books in less than that many weeks, no prob. And write scathing entries. Although I wouldn't. I'm not as funny as you.[/QUOTE]

How do you know if you don't try? You could probably mop the floor with Troy.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"Does anyone know anything about book 3 of the new HorrorLand arc? If so, tell me thx"

If my calculations are correct, a listing for book 2 of the new arc should appear on Amazon around August 1. Hopefully, the "Scholastic International Rights" site will have a description for that same book and some information on the next couple of books before then.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

troy steele said...

That will serve as the last street-teaming post talking up "Snarky Two Shoes" that I'm approving. I have no doubts that it's not very hard to write a funnier blog than this one, but so much energy exerted on a subject already exclusively covered by a blog nearing its one-millionth hit is a bit bewildering

Commander Melander said...

And anyway, I personally believe that Snarky Two Shoes isn't as funny as Troy anyway. And I have a much different sense of humor than either Snarky or Troy, so I really don't know if it will be popular if I do a blog similar to this. Which I never will.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Eh. I actually looked up that blog, and the only reason to go there is the full-length review of "Egg Monsters From Mars".

Seriously. That's it.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Groggy Dundee said...

Who or what is snarky two-shoes?

A Tool said...

...Yeah, that blog that was trying to get all up in this blog's face isn't really that funny. In fact it does something worse: It tries to be funny. There could be nothing sadder than watching anyone or anything TRY to be funny. If you're funny, then you're FUNNY, that's it; you take whatever you've got, whether you think it's funny or not, and take it all the way home without hesitation. If there's one thing audiences appreciate about humor (though they're never aware of it), it's the GUTS. The guts, the brazen attitude to bring (or in this case, slam)something to the table, whether people like it or not. Because until you slam it on the table, you can never truly know if it's funny or not. TRYING to be funny, however, has no guts. It only succeeds in overcompensation, and as a result, the humor is forced and overly construed. Let me put it this way: it's very easy to tell if something is trying to be funny, because you get a very awkward sense from it all, just like those situations where someone says something not relevant to the situation and nobody has a response for it.

I only recognized minor slips of style within this entry (almost suggesting as if you are currently experiencing a sort of turmoil in your life, Troy), but aside from those, this blog easily beats the pants of most others any day. It hardly matters whether the book of which the entry is based on was a favorite of fans or a book that was actually good; the point is that he's writing something about it like IT'S FUNNY. Troy has done that a million times with the entries; there wasn't a single book within his "Top 10 Goosebumps books list" that he didn't make fun of, yet at the end of them all, he always revealed what he PERSONALLY thought about it (again, not what the BLOG thought about it, what HE thought about it).

Troy can review all the not-quite-so relevant details within a story, but in the end, it was whether or not the story was...functional. That's like the basic standard of which most media are reviewed anyway: whether or not the basic structure, the wire frame, the skeletal structure, the wooden framework still stands. That's why some stories totally tanked on this blog; Chicken Chicken was never graded based on whether it was enjoyable to read or whether it brought back some feel-good nostalgia, it was graded on whether its story as a whole pretty much worked...which it obviously didn't. The same also goes for several other books in this sad series.

Groggy Dundee said...

Yeah, I tracked down the blog in question and it clearly seems to be trying to ape Troy's style. Needless to say they fail at it. Where Troy might pull a reference to Dorf, Klaus Barbie or Sports Night from the recesses of Esoterica, they make an Alien joke. Nice work.

Commander Melander said...

A Tool makes a very good point: TRYING to be funny is very,very sad indeed. I always just stick whatever I think in my mind is funny right out there; and it cracks people up. I just can't make fun of Goosebumps books, that's Troy's territory, and old cheesy movies are on MST3K's turf. However, anything else is fair game for me, including comics and video games. I have a site coming very soon and one page will be entirely devoted to riffing. Also, Snarky Two Shoes just is not funny; the refernces are incredibly obvious, contrived, and mainstream. I don't want Alien references, I want Lizzie McGuire and Calvin and Hobbes refernces! Snarky Two Shoes is the Disaster Movie to Troy's Airplane!, the Meet the Spartans to Troy's Clerks, the King of the Hill to Troy's South Park, the American Dad to Troy's Futurama, and the Family Guy to Troy's The Simpsons. And no I'm not trying to be a kiss-up, just stating my opinion.

Nihil Novum said...

The reason BB is better than any of the other YA review blogs (including STS) is because it lacks what makes those other blogs so unbearable: a stifling sense of superiority and the idea that just being "snarky" equals funny. Anyone can shoot bile at something they think is stupid. It takes some skill to make it worth reading.

Robyn said...

I agree with Nihil. A lot of other blog writers are too snarky and most of the time, they just make angry comments at the characters in the books. Sometimes a couple of their "jokes" are kind of funny, but when you keep reading similar blog entries of them yelling at the characters over and over, it's not entertaining. I realize that many of Stine's characters are annoying. However, I think Troy is able to show how they are annoying or unrealistic, or why their moves/decisions don't make sense. He doesn't just "shoot bile", as Nihil said.

Groggy Dundee said...

All of your analogies are fine except:

>the King of the Hill to Troy's South Park

King of the Hill isn't the greatest show out there, but I'll eat dog food the day I laugh at South Park.

Groggy Dundee said...

>a stifling sense of superiority >and the idea that just >being "snarky" equals funny. >Anyone can shoot bile at >something they think is stupid.

Someone should have told this to the creators of I Love the 70s/80s/etc.

jimbo said...

True that

Commander Melander said...

I just read on TV.com that they are airing episodes like Night of the Living Dummy and the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, ie, never-before-seen episodes, October on Cartoon Network. I'm fairly certain this isn't true, given that one of my friend used to work at Fox and owns part of an old script for the first NOTDL which was scrapped because of production costs and declining ratings. Still, I'm interested. Can anyone verify these claims?

Commander Melander said...

"I'll eat dog food the day I laugh at South Park." I appreciate your views and all Groggy, but I think you just generalize South Park because people say it's just a bunch of poop and fart jokes. It was in the first 2 seasons, but even then, there were a lot of clever jokes, and a lot of episodes were really fuckin funny. The Scott Tenorman episode was excellent dark humor, I don't care what you say, it was equal to Heathers. And the Cartoon Wars episode, where Bart Simpson knocked Kyle out to help Cartman get Family Guy canceled, and they found out that the Family Guy writers were a bunch of manatees that took "idea balls" and dropped them down shafts to create Family Guy's throwaway gags... hilarious. South Park may have a couple, all right, a bunch, of dumb and offensive episodes, but hey, like A Tool said, comedy's gotta have guts, and much of South Park's cleverness stems from those offensive jokes. And for the record, my favorite characters are Butters and Tweek.

Groggy Dundee said...

Your post seems to be assuming I haven't actually seen South Park.

Groggy Dundee said...

BTW Troy (to get back on-top, sort of), I just checked out the Wikipedia entry on Go Eat Worms! and it's verbatim your review of that book without the jokes.

Anonymous said...

F*** you, my uncle died to a stelk...

Another EPIC entry as always. As a matter of fact- the book I'd been looking forward to the most even though I've never actually read it.

Card games ftw. Dude, R l Stine finally realized where the real money's at- children's cardgames.

However, he still messed up one very important rule: Only grown ups can play children's cardgames!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMnDHlMB9Tg <--The only thing in the world possible more epic than the BLOG

Robyn said...

I know this is kind of an old subject, Troy, but are you going to do "More Tales to Give You Goosebumps"?

Commander Melander said...

Come on, Troy, where's the update? If you put us through six months of utter hell again...

Marco said...

Could someone explain to me the "car wash cost five dollars"? It's been in a lot of the entries, what book did it come from or wtf?

Anonymous said...

"car wash cost 5 dollars" was originally in calling all creeps

Commander Melander said...

Sorry Groggy, but it sounded like you only saw the immature, stupid episodes, and I'm not gonna pretend there aren't a lot of those.

A Tool said...

Whoa, Melander, back the hell off. Don't be acting like a spoiled dick. Remember, it's been implied that Troy's scheduling has been reset to his original schedule of posting (further adding to my previous speculation that Troy's having a rather hard time outside of this blog...). It's not weekly anymore, that should have been obvious, duh.

Elizabeth said...

A Tool: I know it was several comments ago that you mentioned this topic (from I Live In Your Basement), but I just remembered an episode of the show Home Improvement, where Wilson (the guy who is always behind a fence) mentions that he is secretly afraid of his reality being someone else's dream.

Commander Melander said...

Not acting like a spoiled dick, I'm pretty sure you're not keen on waiting six months for the update. And also, I just noticed the SOMETIMES There Are New UPDATES today, I usually ignore the stuff on top and skip straight down to the entries. And also, Troy approves these personally, he probably wouldn't have approved that comment if he didn't feel that it should be on the blog.

Groggy Dundee said...

I don't mind waiting for awhile between entries, but on the other hand I'm not sure I'm sticking around for another six months of nothing.

troy steele said...

I'm not sure when the next update will be, but it'll certainly be closer to now than it is to six months from now

A Tool said...

I hope you don't feel special or anything; Troy approves nearly every comment; it's called no bias. The snarky two shoes stuff would be, like, one of the really rare exceptions. If you want to admit excuses about not knowing a certain fact about this blog, it's wise to not make excuses that are not very flattering. And yes, I, like any human being who has his head straight on can wait for six months (if necessary, more) for an update; it's called having a life. To each his own, but chances are, if this blog is all that one lives for, one would have to re-sort their priorities.

Zak said...

Heh... so that just means less than three months, right?

Have you read the next book yet?

Also, to everyone being on Melander's case... you've gotta be kidding me. There was nothing dick-ish about his reply. Yes, this is a great blog and we all know Troy puts a lot of effort into it, but that doesn't mean we're obliged to suck up to him or be pious in all comments towards him.
As a matter of fact it's better if you speak your mind, like Melander demanding an update. At the time he made that post, Troy hadn't said anything yet about when he plans to update, what schedule he's going to be at, and it HAD been over a week so naturally a lot of people were probably expecting an update and were possibly worried about having to wait six months. Come on, I bet at least half of you had on your mind exactly what Melander had the balls to say, but were afraid of sounding too much like a dick... right?
Well I can't really speak for Troy, but if I were him I would probably like better and tolerate more people who speak their mind like Melander rather than people who constantly suck up and shoot every negative comment down... and hell, Melander's comment wasn't even negative. He was simply demanding to know when the next update is, no doubt half of you want to do or say the same.

So yeah... read the next book yet Troy?

Anonymous said...

I'm reasonably confident that none of the remaining 2000 books are as bad as this one. On the other hand, I have never read Slappy's Nightmare, so...

Commander Melander said...

Thx Zak, I was getting tired of people shitting on me. And I don't feel special, I'm saying that if a certain comment pissed Troy off, he wouldn't approve it, so Apparently he was fine with mine.

Commander Melander said...

And also, I do have a life. I just check this website every night around 7, it's not my entire life. And if you waste your time just pissing me off, chances are you don't have a life.

A Tool said...

You know, last time I checked, giving crap to somebody for not doing something WHEN YOU WANT IT DONE even though he's technically the one who's 100 percent in control is kind of a negative comment. You want to talk real courage? Real courage is finally stepping up and finally shooting down all you ungrateful douches, because you cannot for some reason recognize that the person who owns this blog who you keep shitting on day after day is a PERSON, no different from you or any other person you've met in your life. Bagging on someone like that just because you think it's okay because you have the online realm protecting you from personal harm just shows that you're really not a good person. You can argue that I don't know you well enough to make that kind of assumption, but it's pretty simple to figure out: You act with courtesy towards others in real life and you bag on others online. Because it's EASY. Because it's CONVENIENT. Because online offers a place for you to channel any inner negative emotions that you would otherwise suppress when engaging with others in real life. You better hope that is the reason, because admitting that you're the same kind of person in real life would be self-disparaging. It's freakin called "common sense", or, even better, "common freakin-courtesy". It's a comedic blog -- does that mean it does not deserve the same respect as other blogs just because it's comedy-oriented? On the contrary, it deserves more considering it's definitely more sophisticated than most other blogs that tackle subjects like Goosebumps which barely scratch the social metasphere. You guys really like this blog so much, then show some freakin respect for it. Oh, and I know about your "comeback" posts, Zak, about how you accuse people of being suck-ups to Troy or whatever kind of self-defense mechanism nonsense you throw at people when you have nothing else to say. Well, not that I really need to explain myself, but I've also had issues with Troy not updating over the past couple of months, so I guess me sucking up to Troy is out the window. I didn't BITCH about it like you guys did because I know that there are always other reasons for taking time off from writing besides "oh, he's just being a dick, whatever." The question is, though, should the fact that Troy's delayed his updates really change my respect for the blog? Hell no. You guys can make all the same excuses as many times as you want ("That's just who I am", "Everyone else does it", "It's a trend in this blog", "I'm just a kid who can't sympathize with anyone because I'm too focused on ME", "Your mom"), but the tastlessness surrounding your comments doesn't change.

Melander, my overreaction in my previous comment resulted in words I felt were wrongly chosen, but my message is still the same. I wrote what I wrote because I believed you were thankfully one of the more saner people on this blog who knew the value of a human being, so for me to see that kind of a bratty, impatient comment from you was most distressing. I suppose in the virtual realm there's really no reason to care what people think of you, but all the same...

Anonymous said...

Reviewing children's books is Sirius business.

Groggy Dundee said...

No reason to be an ass, Tool. I HAVE waited for six months very patiently for this update. The only reason I ever complained was Troy's monthly "I'm ALMOST done!" updates. On the other hand, if I have to continue waiting six months for comments - first of all, we'll be here for decades, second of all, I'll definitely lose interest.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm hoping that Troy doesn't take more than a month for the next entry. But I'd also rather wait a while for an epic entry like this one than having a quick succession of meh entries. I don't know if the other readers could take that kind of wait, though. And "A Tool", your post was very long, but I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air. In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days. Chillin out maxin relaxin all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of the school,When a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "you're movin with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air". I begged and pleaded with her day after day, but she packed my suit case and send me on my way. She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my walkman on and said, "I might as well kick it". First class, yo this is bad,
drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright. But wait I hear they're prissy, wine all that, is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat? I don't think so, I'll see when I get there, I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air. Well, the plane landed and when I came out there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out, I ain't trying to get arrested, I just got here, I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared. I whistled for a cab and when it came near,
the license plate said 'FRESH' and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought 'Now forget it' - "Yo homes to Bel Air". I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later".I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
to settle my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

Seriously, tl;dr

Anonymous said...

I must say, I have actually started enjoying the comments almost as much as I enjoy reading the actual blog.

Commander Melander said...

A Tool, there is something you've quite forgotten: I didn't even mean for Troy to take it THAT seriously. Sure I was mad there wasn't an update, but at least I wasn't mad enough to threaten him. It was meant almost completely as a joke, although I certainly don't want to wait six months for a new update.

Commander Melander said...

To elaborate upn my previous post, A Tool, I thank you for thinking I am one of the saner people on the web, but again it wasn't supposed to be taken with so much seriousness. At least I'm trying to take a mature way of handling your post, which WAS reasonably well-thought-out and mature, by admitting I acted like, honestly a bit of a douche intead of just replying with a comment that would make me seem like a total jackass. I don't make fun fo people on the net because of convenience or bwcause I'm experiencing a difficult life at home; I bag on people on the web because I feel I deserve it. Once again, the comment on Troy wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, and I was really pissed when I made the previous couple of comments; for that, I apologize.

Zak said...

Tool, I was gonna tl;dr your post until I saw my name mentioned as I was scrolling through it, and I actually bothered reading it.

And I'm not blindly calling people suck-ups for no reason, nothing wrong with expressing appreciation for this blog, and in fact I would be a jerk to imply that there's anything wrong with that.
See, you're trying to explain to us that this blog needs "respect", and that people have lives as if we already don't know that. This is true, but when you say that what Melander and myself are doing is DISrespect, that's where you're wrong and crossing into suck-up territory. It's not like we're going around insulting it and shooting down every positive post, we're simply banteringly demanding/asking about an update. And, if you feel the need to get on one's case about that, and accuse them of disrespect, that's taking it too far and going into the suck-up zone.

Elizabeth said...

A hypothetical question for everyone: if you were going to be stuck in the situations/circumstances of any Goosebumps book, which book would you prefer that it be?

Anonymous said...

To Elizabeth-Changer-o'-Subject:

Any of the Mummy books!!!1!!
Hahah... no.

Seriously, I always liked the Beast from the East setup, even though I've seen a lot of people give it flack. But really, monsters who are willing to "play fair" before eating you, but subvert that concept by introducing arbitrary rules (or ARE they?!) seems interestingly sinister to me.

Or the Girl Who Cried Monster, because you can be eat monsters or something.

Or Monster Blood because, duh, Andy.

~Izzy

Elizabeth said...

Izzy, I actually always liked Beast From The East, too. I think the idea of the story was okay; Stine just didn't write it that well.

I think the LEAST worst book to be stuck in would be Werewolf Skin...yeah, Hannah gets attacked by Alex at the end, but the place is basically okay as long as you stay away from the werewolves. How I Learned To Fly is also okay, but only if you wouldn't mind the attention that comes with the ability to fly (should anyone ever find out).

Commander Melander said...

Elizabeth: The Ghost Next Door, as someone with the ability to see, and talk to, ghosts, ie Danny. And just to clear up any misgivings for people who read the comments but don't post and are thinking, man, that Melander is an asshole, then I do acknowledge that Troy IS an actual person with a life. However, my posts asking for an update are not malicious in any way, and in fact, I do remember Troy stating that he thanks the people who ask for updates because it proves he has an existent and reliable fanbase. And I bag on people who either piss me off or are humiliatingly mean to someon else on the web, I don't just randomly insult people.

Anonymous said...

Which Goosebumps book would I rather be stuck in? That's a tricky question, largely because there are so many. The Haunted Mask books seem like a good laugh. So too Say Cheese And Die!, if you just show a little competence and don't keep on taking pictures with the wretched thing.

Christian said...

Hmm...which Goosebumps book should I be stuck in? There are several wonderful possibilities:
-"The Blob that Ate Everyone": I'd use my magic typewriter to type that CHICKEN CHICKEN NEVER EXISTED.
-"Monster Blood": As a favor to Troy, I'd throw Evan off of a cliff and into a pit of werewolves, and then bring Andy back into the real world with me, where she'd spread her Day-Glo cheer to everyone!
-"Calling All Creeps"-I could make five dollars washing a car.
So...yeah, nothing too bad.

troy steele said...

Those are pretty good answers

A Tool said...

I'm a slobbering dickface

Elizabeth said...

I forgot about Say Cheese And Die (for me it's one of those books that - as Troy said in the Go Eat Worms entry - is mostly forgotten until someone reminds me that it existed). I guess it wouldn't be that hard to just avoid the camera.

I also like the situations in two of the Give Yourself Goosebumps books, Trapped in Bat Wing Hall and Night in Werewolf Woods. I would want to avoid Escape from the Carnival of Horrors because I believe Slappy is in it somewhere.

Commander Melander said...

Who the fuck used A Tool's name to say he was a slobbering dickface?

Anonymous said...

After series 2000, please do horrorland, "triple header 1", and "more tales to give you goosebumps". Also, please don't do the nightmere room or fear street. You have enough problems writing "goosebumps" reviews and this is "Blogger Beware: the Goosebumps Blog". Also if you plan to do give yourself goosebumps, please do them all.

Johan said...

I love this blog. Hope you had a good rest, it was great to click on this bookmark and find an update!

Shame there wasn't more excitable dwarf action.

morbidiculous said...

It's still a better use of someone's stolen identity than saying "Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras" :/

If I had to be trapped in a situation in a Goosebumps book, I would definitely select It Came From Ohio - the main character gets off pretty easy, but it still manages to be scarier than most Goosebumps entries.

Anonymous said...

Hey, did you ever think it was A tool himself?

It's a lifestyle choice man.

A Tool said...

Someone who was not me.

See, it's like I said, Melander, a person who's as perceptive as you are shouldn't stoop as low as the next dingdong. I understand there will be sarcastic interpretation of this comment, but rest assured, I'm being serious.

Zak, you have no evidence to suggest that anyone would venture into that "suck-up" territory you keep referring to, only your own judgment, which apparently you believe to be 100% justified. (Oh, and I'm just going to be pre-emptive for a second and anticipate that you're gonna try to defend yourself by saying that you know when your judgment is wrong, and then I'll say that may be the case, but it's not like you do anything about it.) Nothing in my comments expresses any form of blatant fanaticism for this blog, only the most basic form of respect, something so basic that it's understandable as to how people like you manage to forget about it so easily. Also...you didn't read my post until you saw your name in it? So in other words, you were already biased against me before you read my comments? With that kind of biased attitude, you really expect us to take your judgment seriously? I'm not gonna let someone like you be the final word on who's a suck-up and who isn't. Granted, I'm not exactly the final word on who's sane either, but chances are, if you're actually conscious while writing the same "UPDATE!" type of comments again...and again, I would think you should stop at least once and wonder if it's really worth yelling at someone to update, as opposed to actually trying to give somebody a more positive and substantial reason to keep doing what we love to read most. Because, GOD FORBID, we should be KIND to someone for them to feel better about doing something they've been unwilling to do for so long. It's a crime, I say, a crime!

Groggy, not that you really care at this point, but I'm getting the sense that you felt I was targeting you with that comment before. I have to honestly tell you that I haven't really cared about you until this point, so no, no targeting here. Since this is text and not speech, you will most likely take what I just said the wrong way. Regardless of how you do read it, I meant it in no other way besides the literal, given fact.

Martin Kick said...

After having re-read all previous entries over the last week and a half I would like to say this is by far one of the my favourite sites ever. Having grown up with Goosebumps and having most of the original series still sitting on my bookshelf, this blog both brings back old memories and makes me laugh heartily. So even if you only update once every 6 month, I will always remain a loyal fan.

P.S. Please update more than once every 6 months.

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

...So...I've been gone for, how long, I don't know...and I see like ICEBERGS of text just cloggin up the page...I swear, it's like, THICK curds of text just...there, waiting to rot as they turn cheeselike and...oh wait, that's NOT how it works...

So..."A Tool"...you'd think his/her name would be a dead giveaway for the kinds of posts he/she (oh who am I kidding...it's definitely a he) would penetrate through this not-so-virgin blog, I mean, HELLO. I am mildly resentful of the length of his posts, cuz that makes our long posts look bad (you know, assuming we'd want to write that much anyway).

So...is this "tl;dr" supposed to censor something now? When I first saw that in the entry under platonic relationships, I thought it was just Troy's awesome way of reacting towards something so fantastically, WTF-ly, over-the-top-ly, total chicken chicken shutdown-ly, takes-the-cake retarded. Though I guess it would still be an appropriate response to the icebergs in this formerly beautiful comment page. No worries about global warming here.

It would be nice to have the next update Troy. I just want to get to the Give Yourself Goosebumps faster, you know, assuming you're gonna tackle it, because I've been going over the scenarios in Carnival of Horrors alone, and I could imagine the random things you could say about them. I promise you, you are gonna have a blast making fun of how many retarded ways the story ends, Freakin hilarious. Oh...and in reference to a certain comment I made like a billion years ago, it's summer time now, right? I'm not the only one who's burning up, right? Where in the hecks is the More Tales to Give You Goosebumps? It's summer time! It's perfect timing!

Oh geez, my comment is long. Please don't confuse me with that other dude who I hope is choking on the icebergs, I can't bear it.

Commander Melander said...

Such are the perils of anonymity. As I am demonstrating here, anyone can impersonate anyone else if they have a name but not an account. I doubt it's personal.

Anonymous said...

Good point about the GYG plots - I think I'd enjoy to some degree the ones where you're basically larking about in a dangerous setting. That sounds like a lot of fun until you open a door and get eaten by a giant bat or something.

Anonymous said...

What's with you and Andy, Troy? She's the one who kept bringing more cans of monster blood to Evan allowing the monster blood series, wich you aparently hate, to go on.

The Tool said...

The Blob that everyone. No Question. I would use the typewriter to bring andy to the real world so i can kiss her.

And How I Learned to fly,so i could punch wilson in the face

PS:
I'm a slobbering dickface

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

There's been a new interview with R. L. Stine!

http://www.reluctantlyinformed.com/?p=264

And now we know why there hasn't been a description of the latest HorrorLand book: I don't think it's actually been written yet.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

troy steele said...

As much as I hate to interrupt a fight on the internet, I thought I'd chime in to let everyone know that I've read the next book in the series and though I haven't written one word of the update, you should be prepared for the fact that ***SPOILER ALERT*** It's the best book in the 2000 series by a mile

morbidiculous said...

Out Of Context Alert for the interview with Stine:

"We had a nice time. I don’t know where he is now; probably off in Hawaii somewhere enjoying his money."

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

Yayyyy.

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

"It's the best book in the 2000 series by a mile"

All RIGHT!!!

I knew "The Haunted Car" was going to be a good one!

Looking forward to the update when it comes!

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Zak said...

That's awesome Troy, can't wait... better than I Am Your Evil Twin?

Note: my reply to Tool was too many characters, so I'll split it into two comments... hopefully Troy approves them both.

As for you, Tool, I admire your attempt to make yourself sound intelligent, but you're still missing the point. If you're going to accuse me of being "biased" and disregarding you, just to satisfy you I'll respond to each and every one.

"Zak, you have no evidence to suggest that anyone would venture into that "suck-up" territory you keep referring to, only your own judgment, which apparently you believe to be 100% justified."

I think the fact that you feel the need to get on Melander's case is evidence enough. I don't care how much anyone raves about it, yet your twisted interpretation seems to imply that I have a problem with people giving rave replies, which is totally false. I'm sure many would agree, however, that getting on our case like that IS venturing into suck-up territory.

"(Oh, and I'm just going to be pre-emptive for a second and anticipate that you're gonna try to defend yourself by saying that you know when your judgment is wrong, and then I'll say that may be the case, but it's not like you do anything about it.)"

Wow, you're so cool attempting pre-emptive strikes! You did the same thing in the last post directed at me, and what do you know, both times you were wrong about what I would say. I look forward to your next one you stick in there in your follow-up reply, if there is one.

"Nothing in my comments expresses any form of blatant fanaticism for this blog, only the most basic form of respect, something so basic that it's understandable as to how people like you manage to forget about it so easily."

Now you're putting words in my mouth, I said nothing about "blatant fanatacism" and there is nothing wrong with that, that's far different than "sucking up" as I had implied. As I said, express as much fanaticism as you want, I wasn't judging anyone based on that or rave responses. I rarely judge people for liking something a lot. It's the fact that you feel the need to call out Melander and myself (or the fact that you see that as "disrepectful" in the first place), that's where you're wrong and you DO make yourself look like a blatant suck-up and a jerk. We do understand basic respect, and the fact that you assume we don't based on this, that's where you're wrong.

(cont'd in next comment)

Zak said...

(cont'd)

"Also...you didn't read my post until you saw your name in it? So in other words, you were already biased against me before you read my comments? With that kind of biased attitude, you really expect us to take your judgment seriously? I'm not gonna let someone like you be the final word on who's a suck-up and who isn't."

Okay, it might have been unclear, but it's not that I was biased against you, it's because it was a laughably long post which I didn't feel like reading, which I'm sure could have been summed up in a simple paragraph. After reading the point you tried to make, I see that it very well could have been. I probably wouldn't have wasted my time with it had I not known at a glance it was directed at me. Look at everyone else's posts here, they know how to sum up a point pretty simply. In fact, the only reason I'm going through your whole post right now is because you seem to feel the need to childishly insult me if I don't. It's not your name that I overlooked, it's the length. If it was your name I was biased against, I wouldn't have even bothered to check even after seeing my name mentioned.
And I know I just mocked you for doing it, but this time I'll be pre-emptive and say don't you dare make some smartass comment about me being too lazy to read or whatever. Long-winded-ness is generally frowned upon and mocked in things like this.

"Granted, I'm not exactly the final word on who's sane either, but chances are, if you're actually conscious while writing the same "UPDATE!" type of comments again...and again, I would think you should stop at least once and wonder if it's really worth yelling at someone to update, as opposed to actually trying to give somebody a more positive and substantial reason to keep doing what we love to read most."

Okay, here's how I see it and you may not agree. Okay, you've been making the point that Troy is a PERSON, not a robot that spews out updates. That's true, and that's the same point I'm making here. Troy's a person indeed, and he's also our friend! Sure, he's not a close friend we hang out with all the time, but for those of us who have been around this blog for a long time and our names appear in the comments a lot, we've gotten to the point where we can feel comfortable saying that without having to worry about how pious we sound. Just like with any friend you've known for a while, you start to get to the point where you don't have to worry what you say, you can say whatever you want, you don't have to worry about being "polite" or "respectful". Don't get me wrong, when I first started commenting I was very respectful, I didn't go around demanding an update every week. And if I asked about an update I was more formal about it. But, I don't know how long you've been here, but I've been frequenting the comments here for almost a year and a half, I've gotten to the point where I can say whatever without having to worry about how pious or formal or polite I sound, even though I still may be a nobody to him.
Don't get me wrong though, it's not just how long I've been here. I'm not saying "I've been here a long time so I can do it", what I'm simply saying is I'm aware that Troy knows we love him, so, yes, knowing that, I cam shamelessly make those comments like that and be ACTUALLY CONSCIOUS! Sue me... well, hope you understand now, because if you still don't understand, you must not have a lot of friends. Close ones, anyway. But yeah, now do you see why you make yourself look like an asshat for calling us out like that?

"...Because, GOD FORBID, we should be KIND to someone for them to feel better about doing something they've been unwilling to do for so long. It's a crime, I say, a crime!"

Again, having fun putting words in my mouth, but I already covered that above.

Groggy Dundee said...

Better than Are You Terrified Yet? I seem to recall you liking that one.

Anonymous said...

"***SPOILER ALERT*** It's the best book in the 2000 series by a mile"

Yes, but is it any GOOD?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Troy!!

And don't worry, even if you take a long time with this review, I'll still be able to be entertained by the people arguing!

A Tool said...

Reviewing children's books is Sirius business.



I suck cock

Commander Melander said...

Whoever is impersonating A Tool... please just shut the hell up. It's annoying when someone feels like they can just spit out rnadom shit that has no meaning whatsoever. and Zak, and the real A Tool... stop arguing, I'm begging you! You both seem like nice people, and going on about a certain subject is repetitive and gets on everyone else's nerves. I'm not insulting either of you, I'm just saying, give it a rest, huh? I did.

Anonymous said...

But Melander, the arguments are the main reason I keep checking this blog every day! ;]

Izzy said...

Oh sweet, I thought the only options for commenting were either account or anonymous... now I can have people frame me for saying unspeakably dirty things!

Commander Melander said...

Well, I check the blog for updates, and to see if anyone posted anything interesting.

Anonymous said...

Can someone explain the Pythagorean theorem to me? It was on my exam yesterday but I had trouble with it.

Nihil Novum said...

This is just like last Christmas.

Dagorahn and Trunix said...

So the Haunted Car is awesome? Rock on.

At least before summer ends, troy... (More Tales, I mean). I mean, unless you want to pull a July in Christmas thing.

Anonymous said...

When the Ghost Dog Howls, and Little Shop of Hamsters are books 1 and 2 for the new horrorland arc. and have the remakes welcome to dead house and welcome to camp nightmare.

Groggy Dundee said...

Is there any chance of a new entry this week? Pretty please?

Zak said...

Groggy, you're a disrespectful dick! how DARE you! :O

Commander Melander said...

For how good "the haunted car" was you certainly are taking a long time to write a review.

morbidiculous said...

Anybody else here ever watch 'Silk Stelkings'? :/

LAME-O said...

Guys!!!! Quit asking Troy for an update!!!

You are all such obviously horrible people!!!! Just chill out!!!

I mean come on!!!!

And don't be a jerk and say this is mean. Troy has approved other comments by me!!

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Cover art is up for HorrorLand #13 at Amazon!

Just thought you should know.

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Commander Melander said...

I've noticed a distinct lack of comments

Rhomega said...

It's been so long since the last entry I had dropped checking Blogger Beware every week and started checking up on it every so while, and was surprised you finally finished this book. You still got it with the "ending" and...stelks.

Anonymous said...

Hurry up with the update Troy.

Groggy Dundee said...

>Little Shop of Hamsters

WTF is that?

Celtic Guardian 7 said...

I nearly died laughing at this entry. It was worth waiting six months for.

No matter how long it takes you to update, I'll be a faithful reader to this blog. A friend of mine reads it at the same time I do and we rage at RL Stine for his books. We also praise you for being brave enough to wade through these ridiculous things. Keep up the great work!

Samael said...

I love these comments - one third devoted to in-fights regarding the update schedule, one third devoted to discussing the newest Horrorland entries and the final third rolling in the aisles over 'Stelks'.

Hi said...

Troy, are you still alive?

Commander Melander said...

Whoever is using my screen name, please stop. I was the one who said I noticed a distinct lack of comments, not the one who asked about an update. If you can't come up with a decent name by yourself, don't use the same one as someone else on the website. I am the REAL Commander Melander.

Anonymous said...

Are you planning on doing a bunch of updates at once or did you kick the bucket? Seriously! I thought you liked "The Haunted Car". It's been over a month now!

Commander Melander said...

Um... late entries have been a part of BB since the very beginning. It's just NEVER been six months, which was why everyone was so worked up over it. This is nothing. It happens all the time.

Anonymous said...

Groggy, "Little Shop of Hamsters" is going to be the fourteenth HorrorLand book, second in the new sub-series ...or at least, R.L. wants it to be. He did an interview a while ago in which he said he loved the title, but had come up with five different plot outlines and his editors hated all of them. Probably because it's cutesy garbage like that which drove Goosebumps into the ground the first time.

Hi said...

"I was the one who said I noiced a distinct lack of comments, not the one who asked about an update."

How can we trust you?

"If you can't come up with a decent name yourself"

I doubt they use your name because they liked it.

">Little Shop of Hamsters

WTF is that?"

Did you read the fucking post? It's horrrorland book 14.

Groggy Dundee said...

Yeah Troy, you should save your energy for Full Moon Fever and Earth Geeks Must Go. If The Haunted Car is half as good as you claim you should have something up already.

Anonymous said...

so I had a dream last night where I was trying to make my own blogger beware entries to finish the Series 2000 books with my 70 year old neighbor. I was explaining to him that we needed to look for anything that could be misinterpreted as sexual innuendo and for examples of bad parenting/teaching. And this being a weird-ass dream, the books were completely different, I only remember two:

Road to Fascism - This had a scarecrow in Nazi uniform with an eyepatch on the cover. The title sounds like a history book rather than anything R.L. Stine would
write. I would guess the plot would have been "The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight" with fascism as opposed to black magic. God knows what the final twist would be.

Hindu Bomb - This had a giant fucking bird on the cover. I remember laughing over the title with my elderly coworker in the dream. I would imagine the plot would have involved a 12 year old and his horrifying adventures with India's nuclear weapons program. No clue where the bird would have fit in, but knowing Goosebumps there would be some scene like "Oh hey, there's a giant bird over there. Let's go over here now."

Yes.

Mikey said...

don't wanna sound like a suck-up or an ass, but look at it this way: Better to have him take his time and come up with something epic rather than having something rushed and half-assed

eponine said...

I haven't commented in a long while (I never read anything beyond the original series, so I haven't had much to say)

But this was SO worth the 6th month wait.

eponine said...

(That said, I don't want you to wait another 6 months til the next one... but if that's how long it takes to get an entry this hilarious, I can live)

Groggy Dundee said...

COME TROY LEAVE THE SUN CAVE ALREADY!

Christian said...

Troy, I need help. It seems that R.L. Stine's using some kind of dark magic on my community. In the span of two days, we have had two car washes around here. The problem?
















BOTH CAR WASHES COST FIVE DOLLARS!And one was even at a school!
Please help!

troy steele said...

FYI Comments like that one make this whole venture worthwhile

Update coming sooner than later-- still need to do that last short story book before the summer is over too. I've been putting it off since the first story's about werewolves and there's only so many trips to the well...

Beth said...

I'm really looking foward to Full Moon Fever. Someone said, in a comment on another entry, that it would be about as bad as Chicken Chicken.

Groggy Dundee said...

>I'm really looking foward to Full >Moon Fever. Someone said, in a >comment on another entry, that it >would be about as bad as Chicken >Chicken.

One-sentence plot summary:

A witch turns two kids into furry monsters who eat gross things for 120 pages.

OR:

Pumpkin Juice: The Novel

Groggy Dundee said...

>Did you read the fucking post? >It's horrrorland book 14.

It's more an expression of incredulity than an actual question.

Hi said...

"A witch turns two kids into furry monsters who eat gross things for 120 pages"

The children also can't read.

Best bars/Beast bars

Cure bars/Curse bars

Hi said...

When the Ghost Dog Howls, Little Shop of hamsters, and welcome to horrorland all have their cover images on amazon.

Shop of hamsters synopics:

Sam Waters is desperate to have a pet. But his parents say first, Sam must prove he's responsible. So he takes an after-school job in a pet store called Little Shop of Hamsters. To his horror, Sam soon finds that cute, little hamsters can become very UNCUTE monsters. Suddenly, Sam isn't fighting for a pet--he's fighting to survive! Could the souvenir he got in Horrorland have anything to do with this.

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