Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Goosebumps HorrorLand #01 Revenge of the Living Dummy



So, as you may have heard, there's another Goosebumps series out there. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. Haha, just like the Godfather Part III, it's a reference! But we mustn't dwell. No, not today. We can't. Not on Blogger Beware Update Day! All HorrorLand books are bisected, with a main storyline running around ninety pages and a second shorter storyline featuring the same characters in a concurrent and continuing storyline involving the world's least-likely theme park this side of Emily's Reasons Why NotLand, HorrorLand. For someone who tries to forget these books as quickly as possible, often during reading, the idea of having to keep up with continuity is the first scary impulse borne of the series.


REVENGE OF THE LIVING DUMMY

Let's start with the obvious problem: If the female victims of Slappy's tape loop-esque torments change from book to book, who specifically is he getting revenge on?

RL Stine starts things out in medias grave with gal pals Britney and Molly fending off wild raccoons whilst digging up a plot in a cemetery. Oh Stine, you've been away for a decade, but your perceptive insight into the normal activities of preteens has remained intact. After introducing this ringtailed excitement, Britney drops a To Be Coontinued on us and takes the reader back two weeks to explain how the pair ended up in their graveyard predicament. The book then starts proper with the only thing more exciting than swarming raccoons in a graveyard: Anything.

Alleged dramatic conflict occurs with the revelation that Britney's been bumped up to the sewing room in order to make room for her visiting cousin, Ethan. In the process of exaggerating how lame Ethan is, Britney reveals her and Molly's love of lists. RL Stine: Closet Dave Eggers fan? Or, Dave Eggers: Closet RL Stine Fan?


It's clear we're in Next Generation territory when Britney starts talking on her cell phone and doesn't describe it as being a Zack Morris style device the size of a five pound block of cheese. However, what teen uses their phone as a phone? Swing and a miss, Stine. Britney is whining about the Ethanding living situation to Molly and like a good friend she pretends to care. Britney and Molly are totes LYLAS to the point that everyone thinks they're literally S's, so it's a familial duty.

Unfortunately, despite how much family matters, their phone call is cut short by Britney's clumsy mom dropping something in the background and loudly opining, "Did I do that?" Britney tries to help her mom clean up but she just pinches her cheeks and reminders her daughter to be nice to Ethan, since his parents are pretty much abandoning him. Britney's mom is described as wearing "tight designer jeans," which goes a long way towards distancing this from the faux-Kitchen Sink realism direction all the dour bad family details were heading (Molly's parents have split as well). Britney has had too many run-ins with Ethan to be optimistic, especially since the last time he visited he erased her term paper. In Ethan's defense, how could he delete something that's never ever existed (a twelve-year-old's term paper)?

Right on cue, Ethan shows up with everyone's* favorite dummy, Slappy, or as Ethan calls him, Mr. Badboy. Mr. Badboy.

Mr. Badboy.

Ethan tries to get the doll to perform, but all it can utter are guttural grunts, affirmations, and its name followed by the year. J/K, of course Slappy just smacks Britney in the head. Britney tries to escape Ethan's rough grasp of ventriloquy by fleeing to Molly's house, but her Mollytime is popped by her mother's insistence that Ethan come with.

In a rather convenient turn, Molly's dad "Wild Man" Molloy is revealed to be a globetrotting explorer who has a private doll museum in his attic. What, there was no room in his unmarked, windowless van? Wild Man stops Ethan and slowly fondles Slappy under his doll garments while uttering the word "interesting" no less than four times. In a scene right out of the Peter Finch storyline of Sunday Bloody Sunday, Slappy looks all too familiar to Wild Man, who quickly changes the subject and invites all of the kids up to the attic for more highly questionable adult behavior.

Wild Man shows off his assorted weirdities to the kids, strange remnants of cultures long since gone: shrunken heads, animal skulls, XFL pennants, Zumba pants, Dunk-a-roos, &c. The aforementioned shrunken head is attached to a foot-long wooden body and Wild Man introduces the glass-encased doll as "The Mind Stealer," a forbidden object that promises doom to anyone who touches it. Abstinence-only sex ed has finally found its mascot! Britney is terrified of the mind-stealing doll, but Wild Man assures her that it's safe behind "triple-thick glass." Britney then accidentally hits her head on the case, hears a buzzing in her ears and screams out:
"Oh no! My mind!"
But hold the phone Frank Black, you're holding a phone and the buzz is a text message indicator. It's a rare non-sext warning her that dinner will be ready soon. At least, I think that's not sextual...

Back at home, Ethan puts on a "comedy" act involving Mr. Badboy that could very possibly be lifted verbatim from an earlier Slappy incarnation with only a few updated quips like "You don't look like Mischa Barton, you look like Mischa Fartin'," which sadly still proves the act to be a couple years behind the curve.

Britney attempts to finish taking her belongings out of her room but Ethan stops her when she tries to remove the poster for her favorite band, Skullboy. See, Skullboy is Mr. Badboy's favorite band and he'll be upset if it goes. If Britney having the hots for Skullboy member Buzzy doesn't sound like a keen insight into the current preteen mindset, then maybe this revelation of Molly's hobbies will assuage all fears:
She dreams up scenes on imaginary planets and paints them. Then she downloads photos of movie and music stars off the Internet. And she prints them out and adds them to her paintings.
I think Stine has once again mistaken a twelve-year-old girl with Robert Pollard. Add the subsequent revelation that the girls love to post on the online site FacePlace and you've got a book with its finger on the schmulse of youth. To the surprise of no one, Britney's Skullboy poster is subsequently torn up, presumably by Mr. Badboy. Ethan should have named the doll Mr. Manners and it'd have only made sure the poster was hanging level. Britney tries to get her parents to believe that it was the evil doll's doing, but they don't believe her. In a new twist, however, Mr. Badboy pushes Britney down the stairs and tells her, I kid you not,
"Don't ever snitch on me again!"
Great, Stine's overcompensated in the opposite direction and started writing urban fiction. Kinda gives a new dimension to the antagonist being called a dummy, though.

A few days later, Molly calls Britney in the middle of the night and insists that she come over to help her bury the Mind Stealer doll because a strange doll expert phoned her and told her it was unsafe to keep it anywhere but a graveyard. I've missed being able to write sentences like that, I hope you've missed reading them.

The girls successfully bury the doll and face the raccoons and blah blah blah, time passes and Britney gives a painting lesson to a group of shut-ins at an old folks home. They heckle her. It's great. Then Ethan presents his Mr. Badboy show for the elderly and no points awarded for figuring out what happens next: Mr. Badboy tells a series of mean-spirited jokes aimed at upsetting the geriatrics (Sample bit: "Q: What's the biggest difference between Cocoon and Cocoon 2: the Return? A: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE SOON") before the doll starts chucking paint at the hobbled elders. Haha, take that, age!

After the show, Britney calls Molly and begs for her Dad's number, but she's seen Crazy. Stupid. Love. and besides, Wild Man's away on business near Australia. Desperate to have Molly believe her, Britney sneaks over and the two take a look in Wild Man's private ventriloquism files. He has ventriloquy files. Of course he does. Inside the large file is a picture of Slappy, revealing his true name and origins and the six secret words to both wake him up and put him to sleep. Britney corners the inanimate object and says the secret words, only to find a remote controlling Mr. Badboy's speech and movements. Realizing that Ethan was pranking her the whole time, Britney gets furious and promises revenge. But the good news is that her uttering of the secret words did bring Slappy to life, so at least she followed-through on the promise of the premise. Almost a happy ending when you think about it.

Slappy overheard Britney talking about the Mind Stealer doll and decides an object that would vacate the minds of any chosen subject would be ideal in creating better  and more pliant slaves. So, the Slappy series takes one step further into just being misogynist fantasy pornography, neat. When Britney refuses to help, Slappy decides he'll just do it himself and walks to the cemetery. Somehow the dummy knows where to dig-- hey, with dolls I expect ELM not ESP, amirite? And how about long it takes women drivers to get ready in the bathroom, amirite fellas? Just as Slappy's about to uncover the doll from its triple-glassed container, Britney lunges at the dummy and hurls it into the glass case. Slappy breaks through all three layers and knocks noggins with the Mind Stealer doll, which, true to form, steals Slappy's mind. It's a reliable evil object, I'll give it that.

But the Twist Is
Britney hears the buried doll crying out with Slappy's words as she exits the graveyard, the grievous call a little reminder to us all whose sadness wasn't so small.

the Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship
Seems like someone still hasn't learned to just LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE as she is constantly harangued by her cousin Ethan, whose parents disappear halfway through the book's set-up.

Questionable Parenting
Molly's full name is Molly Molloy-- no wonder her parents got divorced, at least one of them was responsible for that decision.

RL Stine Shows He Is Down With the Kids
Ethan tops-off a brill bit of ventriloquy by aggressively tap dancing at Britney in a moment of realism that makes West Side Story look like the Wire.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending
Ch. 2 / 3:
What is that horrifying sound!? It's… a plate.

Blogger Beware Alert
Mrs. Berman glared at him. "Your jokes are not acceptable!"

Don Martin Alert
The dummy's wooden hand swung up fast-- then came down hard. And-- CLONNNNK-- slammed me in the forehead.

Great Prose Alert
I pressed my hands against my throbbing temples, trying to push the pain away.

Conclusions
Why.


ENTER HORRORLAND

This section is prefaced by a "typed" invitation to HorrorLand, and no expense was incurred to recreate the experience for the reader, as the invite is laid out in one of those free "Lyke Totally Old Typewriter" fonts that comes preloaded to every word processor. The "Guest Relations" worker who sent the invite to Britney and Molly is named "Di Kwickley." It's pretty subtle, but if you say the name out loud it sounds like "My Dixie Wrecked."

Britney and Molly are excited about going to visit HorrorLand: Wait, who are Britney and Molly again? Dammit, I knew having to keep track of all this continuity would be difficult. They should take a page from Fringe and just have the same actors playing different characters every week with absolutely no continuous storyline. To be fair, Molly does briefly question how HorrorLand knew to invite her along with Britney's family, but Britney's dad insists it's normal for theme parks to know a lot about people. And he's right, of course. Like that time Epcot sent me flowers after my root canal, or when Busch Gardens called to wish me a happy half-birthday, or how Five Flags changed their name after consulting my favorite numbers. Dad also praises the buzzards flying over the packed parking lot:
Dad laughed. "They're probably animated robots or something. Very clever."
Well, comparatively. Upon entering the park, the Horror working the ticket booth pretends to eat the girls' invitation. See? The Horror can't admit the family until he makes every member scream so they can log it for identification purposes, which he achieves by burning their luggage with a flamethrower. Still less invasive than any TSA policy. Another Horror pulls up in themed cab and drives the family at quick speed through HorrorLand. They pass many, many badly punned attractions (Vampire State Building, Dancing With the Squids, Gossip Ghoul, &c). The hack mows through a group of Boy Scouts, once more revealing Stine's deep-set social liberalism. The cab driver crashes the taxi and everyone gets out to wander the grounds while looking for their on-site hotel. Britney and Molly check out a mask shop that ominously features masks of their faces! Although creepy, I think the bigger shock for the girls is the realization that so much expense went into producing masks with so little potential for mass popularity. The girls have some graphs and charts representing their mask marketplace studies to present to the Horrors, but to their terror there's no spooky-themed board room.

The family eventually finds the hotel, which of course is called the Stagger Inn. Oh my sides ache! From resting the book on my hips and punching it repeatedly. While waiting for their rooms, a renegade Horror whispers to the family, "Molly Britney Dad Mom, you in danger girl girl boy girl." The helpful Horror begs them to escape while they still can and find the "other park." Ominous Foreshadowing Alert!

The hotel's guide (Even in the current economy there is apparently no shortage of jobs available for hideous monsters), Druella, is dressed like an emaciated waif with 5000+ Tumblr notes, her purple tights and a green skirt complementing her long blonde hair. And horns. She leads Britney's parents to their room on the second floor, then takes the girls up to their private suite on the thirteenth floor, which, in keeping with the spooky titles for everything at the park, has been renamed the 666th Floor. The girls are delighted to see a pretty normal and decked-out room, with a flat-screen TV, plenty of clothes in their size, and, in one of the book's rare puns, free "shock-a-lot bars." The girls are so excited to tell Britney's parents about their swag that it's a drag when the Horror working the counter informs the pair that the 'rents checked out. All that's left in Britney's parents' room is a digital camera with a picture of Slappy on it. At least, let's hope that's what that is.

Oh yeah, good work book, I definitely care enough about that thing that just happened to read more things like it.

The book closes with a "Fear File," a dopey collection of still more puns, this time in the guise of actual items like menus from HorrorLand cafes (which serve "Mice Crispies" and "Yucky Charms"-- is the fearsome part someone ordering cereal at a restaurant?) and a hand-drawn map of the Stagger Inn that looks like rejected Eric Chase Anderson art. These pages feature pictures of paper clips in the corner so you know they're like totally life-like. The book concludes with an invitation to spend time at EnterHorrorLand.com. I don't know, an online site devoted to Goosebumps-- how popular could that be?


*For the purposes of this entry, "Everyone" is played by the Scholastic Publishing Marketing Department

203 comments:

1 – 200 of 203   Newer›   Newest»
Tina said...

Oh how I missed these. I started working with middle schoolers recently and I was shocked to discover that they still read Goosebumps.

Priya Sridhar said...

Goosebumps is what got ME into reading, after my brother failed to get my interested in Harry Potter.

Once you mature past those scares, though, you can delve right into the works of Neil Gaiman, who shows how to do children's horror properly.

Good to see you back, troy. Speaking of Neil Gaiman, think you could review his kids books for fun?

Anonymous said...

GET THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE BECAUSE THERES A FIRE IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Mr.Steele, I keep swearing to myself that I'll never let you toy with my heart again, but we both know that's a lie...Can't wait for #02.

Chad Walters said...

So excited to finally be able to read a new entry! (They get better, I promise.)

So...see you in a year, then?

TJ said...

....

wow. when i cloicked on BB to check if any new commets camei n , i never expected a new entry

and i loved it''
however, i was sad you didn;t point how...fucking awful this book is

ethan, a 3rd grader, made A REMOTE TO CONTRA A DUMMY?

slappy destroyedt a painting for a dead dog, and a poster ...ad brintey only mentions he poster

wha

Groggy Dundee said...

Jeez Troy, practically had a heart attack when I saw this post. Welcome back.

Anyway, I read this book when it first come out. I forgot like 90% of it, and this refresher makes it sound like a good thing. Once the initial "cool, new Goosebumps!" feeling wears off, Horrorland makes you realize you're not eight any more.

John Holmes said...

Way to go Troy! Terrific as always! But worse awaits you in Slappy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Man, don't you even make me remember XFL

Robin said...

I'm glad you updated!

Anonymous said...

wow!! its my bday today!!
great gift.
thanx troy!!

Spongey444 said...

I remember being so happy that this book was coming out, and i bought it.

when i first finished it, i felt like punching a cow.

Spongey444 said...

UPDATE STATUS:
It's Complicated


i love you

Dude said...

okay Troy, i know you've been dreading this question for awhile.

but it's time someone asked it..

are you a brony?

troy steele said...

Considering I had to Google that, no(ny)

Anonymous said...

Wait, if Molly parents are divorced, Wild man is away on business and Molly is still at her dad's house, then who is watching Molly?

troy steele said...

There's a housekeeper who keeps an eye on her, Ethel Waters in Member of the Wedding-style

Groggy Dundee said...

Wasn't Molly Molloy a character in His Girl Friday? If that were an intentional homage Stine's cool factor goes up a few notches for that.

Spongey444 said...

...how the hell can you be on the internet, and NOT know the term brony?

anyway..here's a better question":

are these any GB books you think fall under "so bad it's good"?. i've always wondered this..


also, check your email. no reason...it's not like a put a virus that will turn you into a dog or something

Anonymous said...

benny here. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! A new update yes! Glad your back. Get ready for creep from the deep.
Oh and I thought this one was really good. 9/10 Amazing

Jacob Dunstan said...

It's highly likely it was a sly His Girl Friday reference- Stine being a Cary Grant aficionado and all due to their shared suaveness.

DarkfireTaimatsu said...

Troy, you beautiful bastard, you've done it again. Weclome back~

You have no idea how much I've missed this site. So let me put it into context for you: I have my own blog. And when I'm not reviewing comic books, I'm reviewing Goosebumps books you didn't get to. In fact, I just finished my recap for HorrorLand book 12. I finish the story arc shortly after you start it; that's so convenient, it's like it happened in a Goosebumps book~

You can check out my terrible writing here: http://darkfiretaimatsu.xanga.com/ I specifically avoided aping your style, so you're welcome. =3

Looking forward to seeing what catches your attention in the rest of the upcoming books. Now I even have something to parallel it with!

Anonymous said...

I thought it was June, not December.

Spongey444 said...

So i was watching an episode of the haunting hour. there's this old lady in it named Biazevich , and the bitchy main characters calls her "biaze-bitch" 3 times.
yes, i heard it right.

someone swore in an RL stine kid's show.

Edd said...

Dunk-a-roos!!

I recently found these (again) in my local supermarket. Seems Nestle has brought them back out in Aus. Fuck yes!

Good to see you back, Troy.

troy steele said...

Bring back Crunch Tators and I'll relocate

Jacob Dunstan said...

Geez I'm looking fwd to Troy's "Welcome to Camp Slither" treatment.

MERLIN VILLARR said...

What do you guys think about the "new" Slappy?

MERLIN VILLARR said...

What do you guys think about Slappy's new look?

Groggy Dundee said...

I had a dream last night where I visited RL Stine's house. It appeared to be a dingy mess with spiders everywhere and lots of stolen DVDs. Stine reciprocated my interest by taking me on a motorcycle road and throwing me off in the middle of a field. Then I turned out to be a dog or something.

Spongey444 said...

i had a dream Blogger beware reviewed some book i loved and called it worse than chicken chicken

dead serious

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness yes, this blog is back! Troy, your work is as ace as ever. I can't wait to see your take on the rest of HorrorLand, the only fitting counterpart to the books themselves. Partly to get a perspective on books I actually remember now. If nothing else, it's entertaining to see Stine still being several years behind the times.

Oh, by the way, we never find out how Slappy escaped the Mind Stealer doll. Stine's attitude towards his own endings might be something to bear in mind...

Chicken Chicken Lover said...

so...will the next update be next week?

Groggy Dundee said...

Is it time already to whine about updates? I'm in!

Robin said...

On the subject of parents who are often absent in Stine's books (in his young adult novels as well as the Goosebumps series) - his novel "The Boyfriend" actually has a decently-written, tense mother-daughter relationship. I was surprised.

Jane said...

Troy, we've missed you.

By the way, my sister drove by that $5 Car Wash sign yesterday. It's still there.

Jane said...

Why does this author think that children do such things, like fight raccoons in cemeteries? He must have had a really awful childhood.

This has nothing to do with your amazing post, but I was at a bonfire a few nights ago and one of the children there was telling this overly drawn-out adventure (*cough* clusterfuck *cough*) that sounded like the love child of every single Goosebumps plot in existence.

Seriously. Yetis, bears, radioactive bats, packs of wolves, evil clones, the Loch Ness Monster, and... enchanted marshmallows. It was like R.L. Stine's wet dream.

Spongey444 said...

hey kids, guess what time it is?
WHINE ABOUT UPDATES TIME!

John Holmes said...

Troy, line from Creep from the Deep:-
'The red skull snapped open its jaws- and BIT Roger's hand.'
Captain America, anyone?

Anonymous said...

Benny here. WHERE IS THE UPDATE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Anonymous said...

I like how we're back to complaining about updates even though there is no update schedule whatsoever.

Groggy Dundee said...

It's a Blogger Beware tradition.

Jane said...

I kind of like the random updates. For one, it's like the best game of Russian Roulette ever: is today the day Troy will write another review about a shitty kid's book? Or maybe it's today. Or today. Or how about right now. And then I abuse the Refresh button.

But when it happens, it's like Christmas, and look, there's a beautiful new edition of Chicken Chicken in my stocking. That actually happened last year. :(

Anonymous said...

By the way, as far as the popularity of a Goosebumps website goes, EnterHorrorLand had over 600,000 members.

Spongey444 said...

I think this blog is responsible for the lawsuits coming from refresh buttons.

Harry Manback said...

So, um, holy shit Troy, I'm sure you've heard, but I know you'll probably appreciate this as much as I do:

NEW FREAKING ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Okay, whew. Got that out of my system. Oh, and also, I got to experience my first update not from a year in the past, so, that's pretty awesome, too.

Anonymous said...

'As for Goosebumps books, I just finished "Planet of the Lawn Gnomes" and am now working on "The Son of Slappy."' - RL Stine January 24th

It never ends. Now that is truly terrifying.

Anonymous said...

wheres d update??

Anonymous said...

You know what's messed up I just started Watching Pushing Daisies. It was a really good show, it was quirky, but it was actually good enough that it stopped just short of being agressively hipstery. The main girl was a bit Manic Pixie Dream Girl-esque but it wasn't too horrible, she was no Zooey Deschanel in the New Girl. It reminded me of a less depressing Dead Like Me, another great show, unfortunately I had never heard of Pushing Daisies or Dead Like Me while they were on, only after they were cancelled. It also has the woman with the high voice from Little Shop of Horrors in it.

I'm only bringing this up because I was reading some of your older posts when you were advocating for people to watch it. It was a very well done show. Too bad it got cancelled.

Anonymous said...

Pushing Daisies sounds slightly more family friendly than Weeds(the touching tale of a soccer mom who sells weed!Season two now on DVD), whilst still being somewhat plant related.

Anonymous said...

Concerning the racoons/grave-digging, I think it's important for today's youth to ensure peaceful burial land; overpopulation is even more overpopulated for dead people of the late 2067s.

Anonymous said...

What's your Tumblr url Troy

Anonymous said...

I like the assumption that Troy is just plain on Tumblr, like you don't even need to ask.

troy steele said...

I am, though! It's 95% Happy Endings gifs and pix of kool fashun girlz with the other 5% being personal info to aid in efficiently stalking me

Spongey444 said...

Can't tell if joking or serious...

Anonymous said...

He's def srs

troy steele said...

Totes srs

Spongey444 said...

then answer annony one's question, about your tumblr url, so e can stalk you some more.

Andy said...

tow things to say

1. i read Monster Blood 4, and Andy says the lab she got the blood from was...her dad's. ANDY'S DAD IS A SCIENTIST

2, i saw the TV episode is Cry of the cat. when Crystal says her mom is a sciente4st, ryan says "of course"

THEY'RE ONTO US!

Unknown said...

Your Back!! And with a Fringe referance!! I actually started yelling when I saw there was an update, hope #2 comes before next year ;D

Anonymous said...

The Fringe joke was great because unless you watch the show you won't get why it's funny (The show is all about continuity)

Anonymous said...

But the twist is:
And then he only posted on Twitter every six months.

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone! You should check out the portuguese version of Blogger Beware! Here's the link: http://bloggerbewarept.no.comunidades.net/

Troy, you don't need to worry, all I do is translate your reviews and I type your name at the end of every one.

Beth said...

Oh God, you're back... How i have waited for this day! Amazeballs entry <3

Anonymous said...

I'm sure everyone knows this already, but short-haired bumblebees have been reintroduced to the UK!XOXOX

Anonymous said...

'Dear R. L. Stine, I loved The Babysitter. The same thing happened to me, only it was my uncle who tried to kill me. Keep up the good work. ' - Little girls fan letter to R. L. Stine.

Anonymous said...

| |
/.\/.\
( . )
¿

Anonymous said...

Knock knock,is troy there??
where's the update???
i am sitting in front of the computer the whole day just for the update

Anonymous said...

troy,an update,pleaseeeeeeeeeee!!!
we all need it

Anonymous said...

lol, 'FacePlace'.
Is the 'Mischa Fartin' thing from Troy or Stine? I'm not sure.

Reepicheep-chan said...

Ahhh, I should have probably saved reading this update as a halloween treat, but whatevs. I believe the break did you good, something about this recap sounded... refreshed, I guess. Like, I could tell you were draggin through the 2000 books and it affected your writing, but this entry is way better. (Although your worst entires are still pretty great)

I have been pretty excited for you to do Horrorland for a while. I never read them since I outgrew Goosebumps something like 15 years ago, but the idea is something I would have eaten up as a kid. Unlike those 2000 books which I think even 9-year-old me would have looked at all like bitch please and walked away from. So hopefully you find them easier to do and everyone can look forward to more great recaps like these. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Troy are you dead again you havent even updated your twitter page cmon

troy steele said...

I have a Twitter?!

Anonymous said...

Um yea its been so long you forgot about it come back to us troy

Anonymous said...

hey what??!! where's the update??
please i'll lose my internet connection in a few day, so pllleese uppdatte!!

troy steele said...

I'll just Paypal you $60 to keep your internet running another month

Anonymous said...

Oh what a joy for you. There are 2 MORE Slappy books after this. Also, 2 more Monster Bloods.

Anonymous said...

Anon: "Mischa Fartin" is Troy, for better or worse

Anonymous said...

there are reasons other than not being able to pay to lose internet connection

sabrina_diamond said...

Am I guilty for smiling a little at the pun 'Vampire State Building'?

crazy indian said...

Are you on an another hiatus Troy??
or WORSE,did you quit the blog???

Jacob Dunstan said...

troy steele said...
I'll just Paypal you $60 to keep your internet running another month

August 20, 2012 9:55 AM

-----------------------------------
Could that be a not-so-subtle hint that we can expect another update by September 20? I sure hope so. Surely there'll be another update before the Northern Hemisphere experiences its Autumnal equinox.

Anonymous said...

How hyped am I that this blog is backish? HYPErdermic!
Good, long, and entertaining entry too.

Scooby said...

Where's the update!?Are you on hiatus ?

Robin said...

*sigh*

Anonymous said...

Jesus fucking christ troy, it's been FOUR MONTHS since you've done ONE entry. Not including this one entry, it's been SEVENTEEN MONTHS since your last one, before you started the hiatus.
Get on with it!! Or I'm gonna betch slap ya, ya shetbag

Anonymous said...

Troy is dead.....,

Rip
Troy whenever the hell you started the blog- 2012

scoobular said...

Troy,the horrorland series isnt too bad-by goosebumps standards their okay(though when compared to any good book only horror at the chiller house does not qualify as shit). Horror at the chiller house is incredibly awesome and the only questionable bit of prose is when one character says that someone is as funny as sitting on a bee( first bee throwing , the bee sitting ?). besides that, it's well written ,or the first part is, and I felt actual sympathy for johnathan chiller. Like, not pity for him because their so ridiculous ,which is what I usually feel towards goosebumps chracters,but actual sympathy for him. Yes I'm being serious .

Steve said...

My mummy's making coffee!

Jacob Dunstan said...

It's not over. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Updating has slowed to barely a trickle of late, but I'm confident of another update before the year is out. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic and am purporting this purely due to the fact that I sorely miss Troy's work. C'mon, I can only re-re-read old entries so many times.

Anonymous said...

Wheres the update!

Pizza said...

Hopefully this blog will resume sometime soon again.

Oh, and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57oUeO_OJMg

Nulono said...

> she's seen Crazy. Stupid. Love.

Huh?

Groggy Dundee said...

Come on Troy! You need to get caught up so you can do the next story - Son of Slappy!

Mama said...

Christmas is just around the corner, (after end of world) Troy. Pretty please update??!

Nyxthekingofthenight said...

You should either update or quit,because waiting for something that will never come is torture!I'd rather know it was over than keep hoping for it.

http:img.photobucket.com/albums/v203/andsean/blogpics/angrystarfire.jpg

Thank you Tai, for the pic!

Jacob Dunstan said...

Troy, did you write the plot summary entry for 2005 Australian horror film 'Wolf Creek'?! I swear it is so similar stylistically to your superb summations here! That'll do for exclamation marks for now. Update please?

Jacob Dunstan said...

Wikipedia entry for Wolf Creek is what I meant to say.

Anonymous said...

there better be an update on christmas!

Pizza said...

Here's hoping to many new blog entries here in 2013

Anonymous said...

if you don't update all i'll have to look forward to in 2013 is psych season six...And hopefully a Maximum Ride movie.

maxfanboy said...

if you don't update then all I'll have to look forward to is the sixth season of psych...And a possible Maximum Ride movie.

Travis.C said...

Is anyone starting to wonder if the only reason R.L Stine keeps making these is to DARE Troy to review them all? O_O holy crap lol.

VNightmare said...

"So, the Slappy series takes one step further into just being misogynist fantasy pornography, neat. "

I absolutely lost it. <3 God, my sides still hurt.

In fairness...after reading "Slappy New Year," (which I sooooo look forward to your inevitable rant on; I never thought Stine could write a Slappy book worse than "Bride," but he proved me wrong), and "Son of Slappy" (yes, you read that right, and the twist is he controls his owner, hence having a "son"), where the protagonists, for once, are male...

I kind of miss the misogyny, terrible as it is. Slappy seems to be somehow written better when he is up against a female owner, even if we now have proof that he's just a prick no matter who has the misfortune of owning him.

In any case, so good to have you back, Troy. <3 That provided many much-needed laughs.

Jacob Dunstan said...

I just wish that if Troy truly has finished with the blog, he'd divulge it to his fans who keep revisiting this blog in the hopes of a new entry. I'd be very disappointed if Blogger Beware is finished forever, but if it is, it'd be good if Troy could at least make an announcement addressing its retirement and extinguish all hope/not keep us in suspense/limbo. Rock on.

maxfanboy said...

I agree with Jacob: Troy should either post or make it official that he has quitted(is that a word?).

troy steele said...

The blog is in indefinite hiatus, but hey, Futurama came back. Arrested Development came back. Family Guy came back. Whitney hasn't been canceled yet and when it is it won't be back so maybe that wasn't as good an example as the others geez why did I even type it out

Anonymous said...

Troy I don't know if you'll see this but there is another children's horror series you should tear apart its called deadtime stories by ag cascone they are utter trash if you cant continue the Goosebumps blog try these you can get them on eBay or Amazon cheap please respond

Anonymous said...

atleast change your update status

Anonymous said...

We neend a 7th year anniversary celebration!

Anonymous said...

so....,you wont change your update status???

Matt Anderson said...

Hey, I love this blog, and I've got all of the original goosebumps books, and most of the new Horrorland books.

I know they're bad, but I enjoy the nostalgia, and the fun of hunting down books that are out of print.

Since I love your blog so much, I included it as one of the blogs that I imitated for my "Parody Week".

Here's my rendition of your first post, in imitation of your later style:
http://absurdwordnerd.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/saturday-april-13-2013-42-egg-monsters.html

Anonymous said...

pee pee

Anonymous said...

Troy at least approve comments so that we can bitch about the update that will never come

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Still alive. Still checking the blog about once a week. Or more, depending. And still buying Goosebumps books, both old and new. Thanks to about three bookstores I visited this week, I'm only missing four of the classic 62, the sixth "Tales to Give You Goosebumps", 21 of the 25 G2K books, and the two autobiographies. (There's also the "Give Yourself Goosebumps" and "Goosebumps Presents" series, but those are lower priority.)

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Anonymous said...

Boy, I sure wish the person who wrote everything for this site without being paid to do so would post a new entry because the fans deserve something from someone who isn't being compensated for the work they do.

Stine said...

Stine just said he's doing a sequel to the series 2000 book Creature feature.


he also said he re-read the first to do it, which we all know is a lie.



Also, Egg monsters from mars is actually pretty good.

Anonymous said...

Ah wow. Seeing one of Anon e Mouse's comments really takes me back to those days.

Anonymous said...

Oh come on troy it's almost an year.and there was a time when we had regular updates.now I feel that I just woke up from a dream sequence where we had updates every Monday.(or Tuesday maybe.or Wednesday...one doesn't remember much of ones dream,you know)

Anonymous said...

Hi.

Anonymous said...

Troy, it's almost been an entire year. Soooo, see you in January 2014?

Anonymous said...

hi troy wots ur address babez?

Anonymous said...

Happy 1-year and 2-day anniversary "revenge of the Living Dummy" entry!

Damian said...

I still check this blog every so often hoping for an update. :(

P.S. Goosebumps the TV series was added to Netflix. If and whenever you come back Troy you should review these. PLEASE.

Anonymous said...

Is Creep From the Deep so bad that you've refused to review it for over a year?

troy steele said...

It's just boring. I've had the first couple jokes written for over a year, haven't made it further yet. Someday I'll be moved forward

John said...

Yes, there's nothing more boring than zombie pirates.

Anonymous said...

What about the mummies? "The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb" and it's sequel, "The Headless Ghost"?

Anon e Mouse Jr. said...

Just finished reading "Legend of the Lost Legend". So I now officially own (and have read) all but three of the original 62 books, missing only 60-62.

As for the book itself, all I can say is "What."

Until next time...

Anon e Mouse Jr.

Anonymous said...

As weird as it sounds, I'd actually like to see Troy's review of Stine's sad attempt at writing for adults: Red Rain! :D

bhargavi moganti said...

oh please!!update time!!

Anonymous said...

Did you get that $5 car wash picture I sent? I know it's an old joke, but I just couldn't help myself.

Kyle the What said...

Okay, now it's just weird. I miss these entries! :| How long does it take to make a scathing review on a book that's practically 90 pages long, plot-wise? :(

Groggy Dundee said...

I still think us fans should get together and vote on the best (and worst, if we're feeling mean) Blogger Beware entries.

Anonymous said...

i hope you are okay, man.

Spongey444 said...

There's been news on the goosebumps movie front.

First, it's directed by the geuin behind Shark tale.


And it will have a Rl Stine-ish author played by the obvious choice, jack black.


I am not kidding.

Marcel Bal said...

Come on, if you can make it through the Body Squeezers one, you can make it through Creep

bhargavi moganti said...

are you alive??guys is he alive???
i was asking about mandela ,btw

bhargavi moganti said...

I dont know ,I like all of them but i think the mete humour thing which troy did for earth geeks must go was really great.
The doctor's name in that entry was cass tatum.
cass.
Love you super natural!!!

David Letterman said...

Top 10 Future Plans For Troy Steele:

#10: Revive blog in retirement
#9: Hire ghostwriters
#8: Wash dishes for girlfriend
#7: Tweet "MelancholiCAN"
#6: Ghostwrite for fan-compiled reference guide
#5: Write about personal life
#4: +a|<€ Tumblr® srsly
#3: Get sued for defamation
#2: Participate in book-signing rally
#1: Update soon or I will rape you senseless.

Josh said...

Waiting for Troy to update is like waiting for the second coming of Jesus.

Spongey444 said...

Creep from the deep is a ton of fun, and it has plenty of things to snark on.

Spongey444 said...

Well, RL Stine has finally given his thoughts on Troy's work during a Reddit AMA

http://twitpic.com/diibch


How will Troy react?

Pizza said...

Oh shit, you got dissed by R.L. Stine himself http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1p32dl/im_rl_stine_and_its_my_job_to_terrify_kids_ask_me/ccy8bom?context=3

troy steele said...

Cringing at how critical I am of his life's work is hardly a diss. Considering the circumstances, it was about as classy a response as one could hope for

Kyle the What said...

It's acknowledging the blog, without saying anything about it at all. THAT, for me, is the real twist ending in life. O.o

bhargavi moganti said...

I know you wont update but i have no idea why i keep returning to your blog everyday.

Anonymous said...

Cringing at how critical you are of his life's work is the defination of a diss.

Timmy said...

Does anyone mind if I copypasta 'My Sister is a Dickgirl' onto here?

Anonymous said...

Happy 28th calvin and hobbes anniv!!

Anonymous said...

I asked Stine that question. Glad to contribute to the history of this fine blog.

Anonymous said...

Troy,
why have you still not reviewed the Beast, or it's sequel, or Ghosts of fear street, or triple header:book 1. I realize the second one sucked, but as you've said, the worst books often make the best entries.

Anonymous said...

man,are you even alive?

troy steele said...

Possibly

Director714 said...

Troy could I please do a "audio" version of your book reviews?

It would be for a Goosebumps podcast I'm trying to do!

Do you at least have an email I could reach you at?

Anonymous said...

so....,did you quit the blog???

Anonymous said...

Aw shit Troy,

The Goosebumps movie has got a release date now and people attached; Jack Black to star, Rob Letterman directs and screenplay by Darren Lemke and Mike White based on a story by Scott Alexander, Larry Karaszewski and Darren Lemke.

Goosebumps will open on August 7 2015.

...just like the prophecy foretold.

Anonymous said...

I was allways hoping you would get to the give yourself goosebumps books. Have you retired, or is Creep from the deep so bad that you cant do this anymore?

Ryan Ferneau said...

I'm pretty sure it's supposed to sound like "Dik Wickley".

Pizza said...

You should do The Beast and The Beast 2 at least

troy steele said...

In the words of McWorld, "Hey, it could happen!"

Anonymous said...

This blog is deader then the dead house

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for the yearly post! Maybe, just maybe, it'll be about a Goosebumps book. Who knows?

Anonymous said...

hi troy

troy steele said...

Sup

Anonymous said...

Nah there hasn't been an update in OVER a year so clearly yearly posts are extinct. But then the twist is...

Rud Runer said...

troy steele is my god

Anonymous said...

It's officially been one year since blogger bewares last post. WHY WONT HE UPDATE ANYMORE?!?!

Anonymous said...

Let's brainstorm some twist endings for the blog, shall we?

- A flurry of updates exactly 14 years from now
- Troy starts updating twice a year again
- Troy stops reviewing Goosebumps and instead moves on to Are You Afraid of the Dark?
- Troy makes one last entry where he reveals he has cancer
- Troy makes one last entry where he reveals he was actually a dog or something
- Troy holds a car wash that costs ten dollars
- Troy has a starring role in the 2015 Goosebumps film, explaining his absence handily

But we all know the real ending: Troy's updates slow from once a year to once every other year, then every four years, and eventually the blog will cease to be. Tragic.

Dick & Balls said...

Hey does anyone know whereabouts Neil Cicicerega commented round here?

Anonymous said...

Oh Troy, I'll miss your satirical humour and dry wit RIP (one can only assume such things since you haven't updated since LAST FREAKING YEAR

Anonymous said...

where'd you go?i miss you so,seems like its been forever that you've been gone.....

Anonymous said...

You know, Troy's Twitter has updated MORE often than Blogger Beware at this point.

Hopefully this situation will be rectified soon.

Anonymous said...

Hey, troy auctaly posted something on his twitter. I guess that can be the blogger bewares yearly update

Groggy Dundee said...

It's been a few years now since I've read it, but was Creep from the Deep THAT bad? Apparently it achieved what Chicken Chicken and Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid couldn't.

James said...

It's my birthday :(

Jesus said...

Hi everyone!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, not 1, but 2 twitter posts this year?!? clearly this means the return of Blogger Beware!

Anonymous said...

Troy Steele died of Goosebumpitis

James said...

Until a new post comes I am an atheist.

Nymx said...

I'm tired of your laconicisms. I want a paragraph Goddammit!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog not so long ago. In a short amount of time, I've grown to love all your entries, Troy. I wish that someday you'll come back and review another goosebumps but then again, you did more than enough by covering all the original books and spin offs. You earned your hiatus. All the best, another anonymous user

Anonymous said...

Well I guess it can be considered fact now guys. Troy changed his twitter picture! I am now commpletely convinced now that troy is about to update blogger beware righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnow! That would be so awesome if he did post a new post at that very second.

Anonymous said...

Oh look another twitter post more proof hes still alive no review RIGHT NOW! Okay that time he must have updated. Hopefully.

Anonymous said...

Broken heart because Troy hasn't updated in years

Anonymous said...

Also it's my birthday today

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow's my birthday. You know what would make it extra special?

troy steele said...

Yes, a chocolate chip cookie cake shaped like a rocketship.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Troy

Anonymous said...

Perhaps troy is no longer updating because he forgot everything that happened in the first book and couldn't keep up with the continuity? If so, there's still the Give Yourself Goosebumps books. Whatever it is, could you please tell us the reason?

Anonymous said...

if i remember rightly you had a list of horrorland books you were gonna review on the sidebar. they're gone now, so does that mean you quit? :(((

Anonymous said...

Hi.

Pizza said...

Damn it's been three years since an update. Btw for people who used to enjoy this blog: last year I found this youtube channel where they do a "Drinking with Goosebumps" series where they sit down and review each Goosebumps while drinking and then watch the corresponding episode. It's great fun, just search for Drinking with Goosebumps on youtube.

Anonymous said...

sigh... another twitter post. right on time actually. Anyone else notice he updates his twitter every 3 months? maybe that's a sign he'll update blogger beware in 3 months. or RIGHT NOW! He didn't update did he?

Anonymous said...

Rereading your blog once again and I just wanted to say thanks again for walking us down memory lane again with a few laughs along the way.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and thank you again for your many years of service in the Scholastic sweatshops.

Cheers friend.

Anonymous said...

It's a few days early, but what the heck. Happy three year anniversary (of the last real entry), Blogger Beware!

Anonymous said...

Another twitter post, and this one took less longer to post than the previous ones. Could a random twitter post that has nothing to do with goosebumps be a sign that blogger beware is returning? No. No, it does not.







RIGHT NOW!

Anonymous said...

oh my. Blogger beware has done it again. He has taken one step closer to what will surely be the return of blogger beware! twitter posts? Old school now! Blogger beware has now done the ultimate surefire sign that his return is soon. He has... CHANGED HIS TWITTER BACKGROUND THING!(OR WHATEVER THAT IS) Yes sir, I suppose we should all start getting our official blogger beware t shirts that don't actually exist, and prepare that any second now, BB will post Goosebumps Horrorland #2 review/Give Yourself Goosebumps #1 review/random post about chuck norris jokes and we shall all rejoice at the return of Blogger Beware even though we know he'll never show up on the internet again after this. Any second now. Any secRIGHT NOW!

troy steele said...

Is there a Twitter that updates on my Twitter updates yet

troy steele said...

(PS Don't actually do that)

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